My siblings and I hired a home companion to come for a couple of hours a day to drive my 84 y.o. mom to appointments, remind her to take her meds, take her to the store, remind her to drink water, etc. and some cleaning. My mom has early/mid Alzheimer’s and lives alone. Some days the caregiver just comes for a couple of hours in the evening. The person we hired is very lovely--in her fifties like me--but the problem is that my mom feels like she needs to entertain the caregiver and she is starting to resent her. Also, the caregiver is new to caregiving and is all over my mother all the time. My mom doesn't need help with ADL. She also doesn't need help loading the dishwasher or doing a whole bunch of other tasks and yet the caregiver is right there doing it with her. It is exhausting for my mom to have this person on top of her all the time. I have tried to suggest that the caregiver give my mom space, but she isn't really understanding (there is no language barrier). I think the caregiver is lonely since she talks about how her children are grown and she lives alone. I am really at a loss for what to say. I don't want to offend her, and she is in a tough spot I know. I looked for training videos for elder companions that I could recommend but they are geared towards helping people who need more physical care than my mom does. Does anyone have any suggestions or know of any resources?hom
You can start your own caregiver binder. Explain in writing that your mom doesn't need a helicopter mom and list the things she does need help with.
Two columns:
"Do"
and
"Do not".
Write out statements for both sides.
Laminate it.
Hand it to the caregiver.
Have her read it, and tell you her understanding of the document.
Reassess in two weeks. Maybe every month, after that.
Add or change to the document as you, and/or Mom sees fit.
Repeat the process every time there is a change/once a month/etc.
Is this something you might be able to do with your loved one? My FIL does not like having someone in his quarters, but he is slowly realizing that the helper can assist him in things he misses doing, like cooking. When he is weak, she brings the ingredients to the table where he is seated, he chops/preps, and then instructs her how to make the dish. His best evenings are those that he cooked with his helper. I think it gives him a sense of control, because he has "taught" someone a new dish and there is some self pride there. He then goes back to watching tv, and she finishes our list of tasks before asking if there is anything else he/we need done.
Love this.
Tell her you did not hire her to "do" for Mom. You want Mom to keep doing her chores but you want a responsible adult in the house. Tell her she can sit on the couch or sit in the kitchen nook while Mom does her activities.
The reality is if Mom is not using her skills she will lose her skills.
Be very direct. Give the woman a list of skills that Mom does totally on her own. Tell her you do not want her doing any of these chores.
In general we found unskilled women hire off the street wanted to "do" everything and have Mom stuck in her chair. CNA's were much better at having Mom function on her own to her highest level.
Give the woman a list of Mom's chores. Tell her Mom does these on her own. Tell her where to sit when Mom is doing her chores. Tell her it is ok to watch tv while Mom is doing her chores.
Tell her it is Mom's job to do her housekeeping chores and that Mom has done these tasks for 60 years.
We also had a lot of problems with this. Mom will quickly lose her skills if she is not doing on her own.
Write down what Mom does on her own. Be direct. Be firm.
I think this is really something that now mom doesn't want, and I think it is cruel to keep this woman working for her, as well meaning as she is.
You yourself kind of gave her free rein (or is it free reign) by giving her a sort of general help-mom-with-everything. And now that's what she is doing.
Were this me, this is the way I would go. I would sit her down for an hour and I would have you both take note.
I would show her exactly what you wrote us because it is perfect.
I would tell her that it is very difficult to walk the fine line of helping too much, and not enough, and you know she's trying to error on helping too much. But that's not enabling mom to keep her own skills and manage her own home.
She needs perhaps to take a more sort of partnership thing in "Let's do the floor. I will mop under everything and you use the stick vaccum".
You can tell her how it's going wrong, and tell her you two will reassess in two weeks. That mom may never be comfortable with someone coming in to help her, but that you need to try before you resort to ALF or somesuch.
And then just play it by ear. At the same time talk to mom and beg her to let folks help her a bit more, and to stop cleaning because the cleaning lady is coming.
To be honest, for me, at 82 I won't yet hire help because I would be cleaning because the cleaning lady's coming. Because a gardener would have me so in his face he would go mad within an hour. As someone just said to me on the page "you always have to be right, don't you". Yup? Will make it difficult for me to allow, some day, someone to do it their way.
This is just touch and go. I can only wish you good luck. The time is coming when mom won't be safe to live alone. I know you are trying to prevent that, but this may not be the way, or may not be the right person. Or perhaps she's just adapting. I would tell her to start doing some fun things. A short walk. A picnic at the park. A bird watching sit down. A puzzle. And chit chat. That may help.
Hopefully others who’ve had experience in this kind of situation will chime in but my first thought is contacting the agency you hired the companion through if there is one and asking for guidance.
Good luck!