My mother is 90, and still lives her in own home. My sister was her main caregiver and lived with her along with her son (45) and his two teenagers (14 & 17). My sister passed away last August. She enabled her son his entire life, he has been in and out of jail many times, mostly for drugs. He has stolen money from my mom. I now control her money, but she still lets him use her Discover Card to go buy "groceries". Since my sister passed my nephew has (supposedly) been taking care of her. I live about an hour away, but take her to all her appts. He was recently arrested for drug possession, resisting arrest, etc. He wanted my mom to post his bond and she was going to do it, I adamantly objected. I am her POA and told her we were not posting his bond. I managed to take her to her sisters to stay for a few weeks. He may get out anyway. My mother wants him to come back to stay there. My mother's house is basically unlivable. Cat and dog feces everywhere. She cannot see very well. He does cook and surface clean, but the basement where he stays is a dump. Trash everywhere. My mother can't walk down the stairs to see anything. My husband took pictures. My mother seems to think if she replaces the carpeting everything will be ok. There are hundreds of trash bags on her property. I am at my wits end worrying about what to do. I want her to sell her property and get the heck out of there. She really can't live with me. She has two dogs and won't part with them. I really think I am going to have to make some very hard decisions and just tell her, she can no longer in that home. Her sister said she could live with her, but she is four hours away, and is 80 years old. I just don't know where to turn to for some solid advice. My mom's short term memory is very poor. I am 70 and not in great health myself. Assisted living could be an option, but financially it would not work. Please, someone give me some guidance.
It’s time to bring it up if you haven’t.
If you have done so, it’s time to remind mom that there are alternative living areas for her to consider for her own well being.
I’m not sure that her sister would be the best choice at this time. They are both elderly. You know your aunt, we don’t know her situation.
So sorry for the loss of your sister. How sad for everyone.
I lost a sibling and it broke my heart for my mom to lose her first born child.
I do understand the trauma of drug addiction. It’s in my family as well.
My deceased brother died of liver disease.
Two of my brother’s children are dead too. They couldn’t beat their demons. It’s truly sad, isn’t it?
One death was an accident and the other a suicide.
It sounds like your sister bit off more than she could handle.
She was dealing with your mom and adult children, the dogs and who knows what else.
Sadly, your sister has died.
So often, primary caregivers neglect their own needs.
I know that I began to neglect myself for awhile and wish that I hadn’t.
It’s not only physical needs, we shouldn’t neglect emotional needs either.
So, I am thrilled that you won’t fall into the same situation as your sister by taking your mom into your home.
I would start looking at facilities. Have them mail literature to you.
Do tours if the facility will allow it.
Ask to speak with residents as references.
Read reviews from family members and so on.
Gently suggest a facility as a future residence to your mom, emphasizing that you are interested in her receiving the best care.
Forget about the nephew helping. He needs to clean up his own act.
You will indirectly be helping him as well by removing your mom as his crutch.
Your nephew has to want help in order to receive it.
It’s possible for him to get help but not until he welcomes changes and is willing to invest in himself.
Wishing the best for you and your family. Take care.
Your local Agency on Aging might help as well. Maybe start the process for application for Medicaid
You can report the situation to APS
Might even wat to contact Child Protective Services for the kids, neither are adults and they should not be 1) living in conditions like that
2)your mom is probably not the best choice as their guardian.
A call to the village/city/county Code Enforcement, Fire Department, Health Department might also be in order.
Is her 80 year old sister even a real option for helping your mom? Is she able to do things or would she just be more work? If she's capable, it might work. But that's a big if.
Seems to me the nephew and his kids need to move on. Unless they are a big help to your mom, which it doesn't seem like they probably are.
Who is responsible for all the trash and poop? Them or your mom or both? If it's them, that's another big reason to get them OUT ASAP.
I would go there with a crew and get rid of all that trash. It's a health hazard and just gross. Hire someone to do it, with mom's money.
Maybe hire a dog walker to get those animals outside to do their business on a regular basis. Mom definitely needs way more help than she is getting. Is she still competent? If not, maybe it's time to consider a nursing home?
Sorry you have to deal with all this. Sounds like it's time to roll up your sleeves and make some things happen for the betterment of your mom's situation. If it's too much for you to do, which is certainly understandable, might have to get something like elder services involved since her situation is just not oK.