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One thing is a given and that is that you can't go on as it is. Suggest she find another lliving arrangement as she's so unhappy and made "the worst mistake." S'il vous plait.
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In a previous response, you said “we took on the obligation”. I ask who is fulfilling the majority of that obligation? If it is you, then there is a huge part of your problem. I may have missed it, but do you work outside of the home as well or are you stuck at home? Regardless, perhaps focusing on what can be done instead of what can’t be done will help.

Start first with YOU need a few hours every day to yourself to recharge your batteries and soothe your soul. DH, these are the hours I will not be home taking care of your mother and he needs to come up with a solution on who will care for her not you. Also, informing your adult children who you are giving emotional and financial support to that each one of them must, at a minimum, give 2 2-hour blocks of help a week different from your weekly recharge time. Might be best if those times are when you are at home so they don’t feel fully responsible for their care.

I was more hurt by my husband’s lack of support for me than his mother’s hostility towards me. This was early in our marriage and a therapist helped us to get past it. If he won’t go with you, then go yourself. For YOU.

Nothing will change unless you do. Even if it’s just in 1 little way. Hugs to you.
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Sorryselma, I keep thinking about those cigarettes. Smoking with macular degeneration, along with her other ailments, can have serious conseqences. Not to mention burning down your house. That should be something you have a strong say in. "No more smoking." If getting her back to France is a problem, what about an ALF near you?
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sorryselma Feb 2019
Hi Sudalu,

Thanks, we do keep an eye on her to make sure everything safe. Believe it or not, my MIL has been smoking for 70 years. She would not give it up in a million years, My own mom passed away at 65 from heart problems and inoperable lung cancer. She had a heart attack at age 47, and stopped smoking immediately. So it is all the more upsetting to see MIL smoke given my history with my own mom, and have cigarettes be in my home. I despise them more than anything... Even if she smokes outside, the odor still gets through and though I have told her not to, she still forgets and throws her cigarette butts in the kitchen garbage. No possibility for ALF - neither she nor us have finances plus she does not have long-term care or Medicare.
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I really feel for you regarding the cigarette smoke. I am particularly sensitive to smells and toxins, and the smell of cigarette smoke wafting my way seems to immediately depress my mood, in addition to the throat irritation, etc.

I hope you have some air purifiers with filters designed for smoke in your house? At least one for your bedroom, or any other little retreat in the house that you may have? I love our Blueair purifiers; they were a godsend during the CA wildfires last year when we had days of unsafe, polluted air outside.

It is truly amazing how a few smokers just seem to live to defy modern medicine!
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I don’t know about other men, but I have the hardest time making decisions and interacting with family over issues. I just freeze up – and I’m someone who has managed more than 300 professional people. There has got to be some explanation for it, but I don’t have it and I’m sure other men don’t have it as well.
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bettina Mar 2019
This seems to be a common problem. I've noticed that in groups of men there isn't much processing emotional stuff or talking about family relationships, etc. Women do a lot of this. I also see how mothers will fully expect to have their sons remain little boys to them, or even surrogate spouses, whether or not they are widowed. So there is an ugly and unnecessary power struggle that can happen.

I went through this with my MIL and SIL's and they were vicious. Came to find out my husband had always waited on them hand and foot and they expected this to continue. If he stuck up for me in the slightest they went berserk and made a little mob out of all the family members and behaved in the cattiest way possible. Plus they would subject him to days of silent treatment. There was really no option but to have minimal contact or allow them to have total control. Zero compromise, they were always right and we were always wrong. The mobbing dynamic was pernicious.

I used to think men were wimpy for staying out of it, but the entitled and rather aggressive way some women can behave I'm starting to see why they may chose this route. Women are rather experts at mobbing. Men can do
this as well, but with some women it appears to come as naturally as breathing.
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