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It is kind of like having a teenager, and just about as useful to set boundaries. They will only work if they are kept, and as "Mom" is a master manipulator you already know all the ways she will react. I still remember my grown up child saying "You HAVE to come over and help flea bathe the cats; you are the ONLY one I can count on to help me" and my having to say "I am so sorry to have to tell you I am no longer one who can be counted on. I wish I were a better person, but I just am not". Yes, the fur did fly (in more ways than one). But eventually whether elder or teen, a no is recognized as a no. If there is an angry response then it is just "I am so sorry to have made you have a bad day, but I just cannot do it" or "Let talk more later when we are feeling better". Once you respond with anger all is lot.
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Hello Im1984,
I cant tell you how much I relate to your situation. It’s a huge “me too”. I also took some of the blame for my situation, as I’ve been a people pleaser (espec with her) for too long. Still struggling in fact. Working with a therapist helps a lot. Boundaries are tough, espec for people who are not practiced in setting them. I did find a newer book by Cristien Storm called Empowered Boundaries; Speaking Truth, Setting Boundaries, and Inspiring Social Change, 2009. I found it to be very helpful. She lists 4 steps to make clear and firm boundaries. While it’s commendable to be “kind”, I’ve learned that setting boundaries is for our own survival. Once we begin doing it, it becomes easier. Assertiveness is required.
I wish you luck in finding some peace in your relationship with your mom. Your needs matter too !
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