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He has agreed to help take care of our 90 year old parents on an equal basis. They need to have someone shop for groceries, clean the house, manage healthcare/doctors appointments, and cook some meals.



He doesn't do tasks that he enthusiastically says he will when in front of my parents. If it's something that cannot fall through the cracks, my dad calls me at the last minute to take care of it immediately. My brother tells him he has an emergency. I try to talk with my brother to resolve issues when he's there. He has to leave right away or he commands me to do the task, looks angry, and ignores me after that. He never acknowledges he committed to a task. He says I lied to my parents when I tell them he did.



I first noticed this problem when I was a teen decades ago. He's six years older. I know his behavior is nothing I can change.



Any suggestions on how I can deal with this? I know I cannot count on my brother for anything with caring for our parents. I feel dumb for thinking he would really take this on. His behavior does eat away at me though.

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Update: I hired a pt caregiver for my parents. They start this coming Monday.

My brother made a video appointment with mom's pcp for tomorrow. I saw it in her online health group info. It was made yesterday according to my dad.

Dad also told me my brother can't make it. It's not the first appointment he doesn't plan to attend though he schedules it.

This time I'm doing nothing. I'm not even informing the doctor's office as I have many times before that he makes appointments planning neither to be there nor make arrangements for another person to accompany her. We'll see what happens.
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lkdrymom May 2023
This is the first correct step. Do not jump in when he does not fulfill his promises.
(14)
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Sometimes we have to SHOW people that we mean what we say.

Stop showing up for your parents for a few weeks.

Then, call the local Area Agency on Aging and request a "needs assessment" and case management services for your parents. Show up for that assessment. DO NOT clean up any messes or bring in any supplies; the AAA needs to see how they live.

If this doesn't result in any behavior change on your parents' part, the next step is to call Adukt Protective Services and report your parents as elders who are vulnerable and in need of help.

You can't, as one person and an older one at that, fulfill all of your parents' unrealistic expectations.

Get them on the path to getting the help they need.
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AvonLady May 2023
Thanks. I didn't know this place existed. Will call tomorrow.

I know I can't do this alone. Am exhausted from helping out a few days last week and stress about my brother. Have had it.

I have to take them to medical appointments and sit in though. Their English wasn't ever great and is declining with age. That'll be my only task.
(9)
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Next time they call and say brother can't take us to the doctor today you need to tell them to call brother and find out when he is available so they can reschedule. You are not available at the moment. They need to work this out with him.

They may not like this, but you can't be responsible for keeping your brother's promises.
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I have to ask, can’t groceries be ordered and a housecleaning service paid for by your parents? I’d be reluctant to do those tasks too when I’m sure there are plenty of tasks that can’t be farmed out. And nobody in this scenario is getting any younger.

Just being kind of blunt here. 😊
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AvonLady May 2023
Hiring people to help will relieve a burden and will do that. It'll relieve the burden of tangling with my brother too.
(8)
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Another point: sometimes the reason a sibling doesn't honestly say, "I won't do the tasks", is because they don't want to be disinherited. So they pretend. "Yes, I'll do the task! I can't wait! I love doing tasks so much!!!" In reality, they have no intention to do the task, and they just don't do it.
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BurntCaregiver May 2023
@venting

Or they've been liars their whole life and never held accountable for anything. So they know that all they have to do is say the right thing in the moment and that will be enough.
No one will actually expect them to do anything. This is unacceptable.

The only way to get these kinds of people to keep their word and do what they say they will, is to hold them responsible.
Don't put their fires out, clean up their messes, or cover their a$$es. Make them face the consequences for their own actions or non-action.

If the OP's parents miss a doctor's appointment, or don't get supper on brother's night to cook, then let them do without. If brother doesn't step up, they have to cut him out of the equasion. Hire homecare help.
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Avon, if your brother has DPO he is the one responsible for caring for your parents. If he doesn’t want to do the job it’s time for him to step down & for it to be assigned to someone else.

It’s only going to get worse. I learned the hard way…..do not do any caregiving if someone else has DPOA.
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Make a list of his duties he agrees to and yours. You sign it and he signs it. You pin it to Ur parents frig and explain to them you cannot do it all. For the things he is suppose to do and doesn't, he needs to find them a replacement. Your not it. The problem here is your parents allowed this now its ingrained. May have something to do with him being a boy. Whatever, you need to tell ur parents you cannot do it all. If brother can't do his share than they will need to hire someone. How dirty do 2 people get a house. They can order their groceries and have them delivered. They can order dinner to be dlvrd.

If their care and keeping up a home is too much for them, its not your responsibility. Maybe time to look into independent living or an Assisted living. If they are 90 than you are approaching retirement age if working. You too are a Senior. This they need to realize and that you have responsibilities of your own.
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AvonLady May 2023
Unless there are real sanctions to not signing ( paying a fine or losing some of the inheritance), it'll have no effect on him. I want to be away from him, tbh. It's horrible to be the target of a passive aggressive person.
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I'm an only child. But I have a friend who has an older sister who acts just like your older brother.

Like your brother, she says enthusiastically, "I'll do the task!" in front of the parents. And then she doesn't. The tasks then fall on my friend every time. When my friend brings it up, the sister ignores her.

OP, here's my advice, which I also told my friend:

Your elder sibling is a liar. Tries to look good in front of the parents, therefore pretending to say "I'll do the task!"

Your elder sibling is not a good person. Unreliable, a liar and knowingly causing more work for you by WASTING YOUR TIME. (Example: if your brother had honestly said from the start that he wouldn't do those tasks, you would have made other arrangements so it doesn't fall on you in a very inconvenient way.)

If possible, cut ties with your sibling.
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AvonLady May 2023
and @burntcaregiver there are problems with him going to medical appointments. My parents aren't native English speakers. Their ability to understand English has declined with age.

My brother took them 10 years ago to medical appointments. He wasn't paying attention. Both were told of chronic conditions and could have started treatments for them then. They didn't understand. So, these got worse until I took over their care a few years ago. I finally saw and alerted them. I realized my brother was told of these. I didn't think he was this clueless. It's scary to think this was on purpose. Not sure one way or the other. He brushed me off when I chided him about it.
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I think it's time for you, your parents, and your brother to have a sit-down.

It's time for you to be the one who speaks and they listen.
You tell all three of them that you are not going to cover for your brother anymore when he doesn't show up to do the things he agreed upon.

Your brother humors your parents and tells then what they want to hear in the moment but had absolutely zero intentions to actually follow up on the promises he's making. There's a name for people like your brother - Liars. No doubt your brother has gotten away with this his entire life. He's not going to change now.

Now there will have to be a new arrangement. It comes in the form of hired in-home caregivers.

Mom and dad PAY for this new help out of their money. They come in on a schedule to cook meals, clean the house, and take them where they have to go.
Some or all of their doctor's appointments can be made during their aide's hours and they will take them to the appointments.

You have to learn to tell your parents 'NO'. You don't come running because your brother backs out. He has to be held responsible for his actions, not you.
So let your parents take it up with him the next time he skips out on helping them like he agreed.
You don't do it.

Also, you have to let go of letting your brother's behavior eat away at you. That's not healthy and you're hurting yourself. I know how it is to have a do-nothing sibling too, but there are options.
Please talk to a homecare agency.
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AvonLady May 2023
I've tried many times to get all 3 to have a sit down and my parents aren't interested. What was said above was true - they defer to him because he's a boy.

But, I will talk to mom and dad to tell them I am not picking up the slack for my absent sibling. Then, I have to stick to it.

Another reason not to involve him: my brother will do something to get back at me. He's a liar and an abuser.

It's frustrating but I have to accept reality, and not wreck my life doing all the tasks of caregiving. I have to work through the resentment. It's better to have a life of peace than hitting my head against a wall.
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So many of us on here are in the same boat. My brother will not lift a finger and he lives close. I am doing everything from far away. Much of his unwillingness to help stems from the not great relationship he had with our father. But there is so much he could do behind the scenes to help that he just won’t. He has never asked me if I need help with anything and he is fully aware of how much I have on my plate. Many weeks my life is completely taken over by the tasks and constant problems my father’s dementia creates.

I am POA and let’s just say…his day will come. The less he does now and the more resentful I get, the less gracious I am going to be later. And the way my father structured things, my being gracious is something he will need.
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