We just moved my M-I-L into independent living (and she's loving it! whew!). She had been living alone in a condo in Palm Springs where it is a ghost town in the summer. Very lonely, bored, not getting out (refusing to use the taxi account we go for her and we live 2 hours away and can only come once a week), sending the home health care companion away after 15 minutes. She was only eating junk food (if that), smoking two packs of cigarettes a day and drinking 5-6 "light" beers every day. You get the picture. Now she's getting regular (and good) meals, the smoking is drastically reduced because she can't smoke inside. But... the beer drinking continues. In addition to general health reasons, we fear that she's going to fall, break something (she only weighs 88 pounds and with very thin bone density) and then it's a race to the bottom. We don't expect she'll quit drinking completely but how can we bring up this subject, with love and support? As you can imagine, she gets very defensive when my husband (her son) talks about it. Any strategies for helping her reduce the number of beers at least? Like alternating one beer and one non-alcoholic beer? - I get that part of this is simply the habit of something cold to drink while watching tv. Thanks.
The NIAA defines binge drinking as: "..binge drinking as a pattern of drinking that brings blood alcohol concentration (BAC) levels to 0.08 g/dL. This typically occurs after 4 drinks for women and 5 drinks for men—in about 2 hours."
The NIAA defines heavy drinking as: "...as binge drinking on 5 or more days in the past month."
RhondaR, based on what you've said in your question, you have reason to be concerned that your MIL does have a problem with alcohol. The first thing I would do is write a letter to her primary care doctor and time it to arrive about 3-5 business days before her appointment. This information is significant, for the doctor will order tests to detect health problems associated with heavy drinking, including liver function tests and perhaps an ultrasound of her liver. Her doctor needs to know about this, because alcohol does affect how other medications are metabolized and alcohol does affect the effectiveness of certain medications. When you write to the doctor, be as specific as you can about her drinking--and if you can give the doctor dates, times and what you saw, that will be even better. That way, her doctor will look for problems associated with alcohol abuse, will take this into consideration when prescribing for her and hopefully will refer her for addiction treatment and appropriate mental health care.
Now, what can you do? Set ground rules / boundaries. If she's been drinking, we go home. She can't drink in your home. Period. Continue to express concern for her drinking, where it's appropriate. Write down your concerns and send a letter to her doctor. Don't enable her drinking. That's all you can do.
Here is a link to a booklet produced by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism that discusses alcohol and women: pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochurewomen/women
I would risk saying here not to venture into making any one change, but to offer love and understanding. In the case of an addicted personality this may be hard, I know. But it may be the one and only feeling that will get through to them.
Many times those addictions have arisen from a feeling of not being wanted, loved or being not good enough. What if they now felt wanted, loved and respected? Little by little that energetic may create the change you seek. And if not, pad yourself on the back for approaching it in a way that may have honored the person rather than judged them.
Just offering a possible new approach.
Your MIL weighs only 88 lbs. FYI: Regular beer has approx 160 calories/bottle. Light beer fewer calories and is less filling.
In my experience and those of a few of my friends, elders are set in their ways until a crisis...
Does the amount she's currently drinking seem to affect her mood or behaviour? Would you say she actually gets drunk as such?
It is wonderful the smoking has decreased! (And that didn't occur because someone asked her to reduce the smoking.) If MIL drinks while she watches television, if she gradually finds other activities she likes in the IL complex perhaps she will watch less television and therefore drink less. We can hope.
If she takes medications you can ask the pharmacist if alcohol interferes with any of them. If it does you could send a note to her doctor. Of course, you don't want to sound like you are telling the doctor what to do, but you can express your concern.
In some locations beer was drunk with breakfast and all day long, even by children, in colonial times. It was often safer than drinking the local water. I'm not justifying it in this day, but just trying to put it in perspective. It is not like she is snorting heroine.
I don't drink any beer because of medication interactions, but I could never drink 5 - 6 beers a day (light or otherwise) because I would have to pee every 10 minutes and miss a lot of my programs, and I would be asleep after the fist 2. I'm impressed that your 88 pound MIL can do this! Does she get drunk on this routine? Is she less steady on her feet? Now that she is being served real meals the beer drinking may gradually decrease because she just won't have room for all those extra calories. You might buy some near-beer for her, saying it was on sale and you heard that it was less filling, which might be good now that she is eating good meals. She might throw it back at you, of course, but it MIGHT be worth a try.
In short, I don't think you are going to come up with words that will convince MIL to drink less. She might listen to her doctor better than she listens to you (but I doubt it). But her new living arrangement is on your side; it might gradually decrease somewhat if she gets into activities and continues eating well.
How old is MIL, by the way?
I do not write to percolate an argument with anyone...
(We long term recovering problem drinkers know what we are talking about..)
Grace + Peace,
Bob