My mother lives with me and her and her sister used to talk about living with each other when they were old. Mind you, this was over 30 years ago when they would have these talks. A few years ago my aunt came to visit and made a joke about if her husband dies, she'd come live with us. We kind of laughed it off and didn't respond. My mom does not want her to live with us and I don't either.
My aunt's husband just died and she asked if she could have an extended visit at our home because she doesn't know where to go. She does have health problems and probably shouldn't live alone, however she also has four children. She has her own home and one of her children lives nearby. I called one of her kids and explained why she can't come for a long visit but that my mom could visit her for a short time so she isn't alone but I'm afraid she's going to try and come to my home at the end of my mother's visit. Her and my mother will probably get into a fight if they spend too much time together, as well. They were close when they were young but have had several fights through the years and gone long periods without speaking.
She can't live here, I work fulltime and am barely keeping my head above water managing my mom and her needs, doctor appointments, 'behavior'. My aunt has complex health needs and I imagine a lot of doctor appointments, etc. How do I nicely explain to my cousins that she is their responsibility ?
Perhaps one thing you could do now, before it has all started, is to decide for yourself what your limits will be, and at what point you may need to stop helping both your mother and your aunt. That’s worth doing while you are still fresh. Having an exit plan if you do reach that stage, is harder. And perhaps pointless, because the situation will have changed when you get there.
I hope for everyone’s sake that it all goes well. Yours, Margaret
I trust you've been very clear with your aunt that you have your hands full with your mom and that she needs to rely heavily on the public services that are available to her.
I hate saying no to people but for your own and your mom's sake, aunt is going to have to make it on her own.
I think the OP needs to be clear with herself about where to put her own boundaries. At the moment she doesn't seem to have any, or not real ones anyway.
You started by asking how you could make your cousins understand that you couldn't take their mother on.
Scroll forward three weeks, and you're about to move her into an apartment near you and show her the ropes for managing independently. Because, you say, "I agree and have the same concerns but I can't leave her sitting alone in a house in the middle of nowhere by herself."
You can't? Why not? Her four children have no trouble doing that so why do you?
You're signposting her to services and helping her to get organized: well and good. But your thinking is that she is old and in poor health so she deserves this support - then seems to stop right there. So when you find that she can't quite manage communicating with other services or maintaining her apartment or attending appointments or taking care of herself... what then? And this is even *before* you know much about what's inside the can of worms that - whether down to your aunt or not - led to her husband's suicide and her children's disowning her, a woman with whom your own mother has never been on easy, affectionate terms.
Tell me you're wide awake to what you're letting yourself in for and I'll shut up.
"I can't possibly do that" needs to be ready on your lips. If aunt seems unable to cope on her own, call in Adult Protective Services.
Aunt decides how the house is emptied, who gets hired to do it, and what happens to the unwanted contents. NOT you, although of course I’m sure that you will talk to her about it (and probably do some of it if she asks you to). Make VERY sure that you don’t take over doing this yourself. If you do that, and you have no right to do it, your cousins are going to get their own lawyer and you will be in the swamp with no solid place to stand on.
I know that you hope for the best, over and over again, but be VERY careful not to overstep the mark on this one. You will be in the wrong, the cousins already disagree with how you are helping their ‘murderer mother’, and litigation is only too likely because they now want some money. Get documented in writing, signed by your aunt and a reliable witness, what she is asking and authorising you to do in her name. DON’T decide that this is a way to smooth over the family troubles by letting it all go ahead informally. If you check my profile, you will see that I am a lawyer by original trade, and this is an absolute red flag. Yours, Margaret
Only, not necessarily from you. You don't want to get involved, remember?
I'd say that ship has sailed.
This could be half a day weekly or one day every two weeks but, she is going to need some assistance and this boundary should be firmly instilled before she moves.
As for her house, check to see if there are any private resale thrift stores within a hundred miles that want everything, they may come just for the stuff.
Or
You can have an estate sale company take everything and give it all to them, just for removal.
Or
You can sell the house to a flipper, as is, you don't get as much but, you can just take what you want and walk away.
Speak with a real estate agent in her area and find out what they think.
She will not be able to actually do the sale, safely, herself. To many predators in the industry, so she will need your help or someone trust worthy to help.
Get the application from the department of transportation for your area. It can take some time to get set up for call-a-ride bus pickup.
Also, do you know what types of doctors she is seeing? Can you get her on a waiting list now or do you plan on the ER and referral route?
What about her insurance? Is it an Advantage plan? They don't cross county lines with coverage.
Does her banking facility have a branch in your town? My dads didn't and he had to travel or pay fees for using someone else's ATM.
Does your Auntie have the money to pay for the move and all the expenses of getting into a new place before her house sells?
These are some of the challenges I have faced with my parents and them relocating.
I found that the world moves faster then they could comprehend and they needed someone to slow things down and back check to ensure they understood what was going on, my parents are/were a decade younger then your Auntie and they needed this type of help.
Just a heads up from someone that has taken on relocation projects with the intention that they would be living independently. My mom is making it, my dad ended up in an AL right away, he had no business living alone and I couldn't be his caregiver.
From everything you are saying, I think I would look into facilities because she is probably going to fail pretty quickly. Maybe not, if she is as wicked as her kids say, she might actually pull it off but, you need strong boundaries with her if she is this wicked.
Sorry for being long winded, your responses made me see that you are facing a bigger challenge then originally thought and she will need more help, in the beginning, then you want to give. Creative solutions time.
They are her aunt's problem, or that of her children.
You were able to point her towards housing and she's been approved.
You've told her children that no, you are NOT going to be the intermediary.
You've told her that she needs to hire movers; that YOU are not going to empty the house.
You've told her that she will need to order groceries and that you will NOT be taking her to doctor's appointments.
Well done.
I can almost smell the new boundaries like new drying paint.
Of course Aunt will be scared & nervous about this big life change. She is still grieving too.
But as with the furniture moving, suggesting a therapist to help for emotional support is the way. No reason for you to carry the heavy load of either.
Book it.
Provide your Aunt a list of support numbers, meal deliveries, taxi, local Doctor, pharmacist etc then go.
It will give her that extra push to stand - stand tall on her own feet (rather than grow a habit to lean too hard on you).
I still dont want to be in this position. I have good memories of her from childhood, I feel bad for her, I'm sorry that she has to live alone but there's no way she can live here.
That is why I am so afraid for you. The situation you're in is not a can of worms, as you have been warned by everyone here what you might be in for. Your situation is a QUICKSAND. Your helpful nature will pull you in deeper and deeper until you get swallowed up. No boundaries will work once you get sucked in.
As I said, she's very capable mentally, I think she's just been thrown for a loop by all of this or she's trying to act more helpless so that we feel obliged to do more for her. She may not want to live alone but millions of seniors do it every day in America and they are fine. I am getting better at saying no, she was trying to get me to take her couch shopping this weekend (my first weekend off in a month) and I said no, it would have be another time. She was trying to get us to move some heavy pieces of furniture and I said no, you'll have to hire someone for that. She was trying to get us to clean / paint her house and I said no, you'll have to hire someone for that. She is the one who is going to be doing all of the adjusting to her new circumstances, not me.
It may have been stated in previous posts, but does your aunt drive? If not, then how does she get to all of her medical appts. for her "complex medical needs"? How does she do grocery shopping?
Who has her POA/HCPOA? (Hope it's not you.)
And one more thing -- Isthisrealyreal mentioned that Medicare Advantage plans have networks. Has she moved out of the network? If so, she will either have to get a different plan OR this is her chance to get a Medigap/Supplement plan without medical underwriting.
But, again, none of these are YOUR issues to solve. But is aunt capable of solving them all on her own? If not, then you have done her no favors in moving her to your town.
She's very capable mentally, I think all this stuff about being afraid to be alone is just because her partner of 40 years just passed away. I also think it's likely somewhat manipulative so that she can try to keep someone with her constantly. She is on good behavior right now but I would think that eventually her true colors will come out. People can only stay in a state of gratitude for so long. I just popped the news that we are going on an out of state vacation next month so I am sure she's thinking about that right now (no, there is no way she could come with).
Your nightmare has just begun.
Your response:
"I'd say that ship has sailed."
Sailed and sinking.
"I am getting better at saying no, "
"she was trying to get me to take her couch shopping...and I said no, "
"She was trying to get us to move some heavy pieces of furniture ... I said no,"
"She was trying to get us to clean / paint her house ... I said no"
BRAVO!!!
BAD:
"she always has to come with us."
Your aunt is relentless in her demands, isn't she? What makes her think she owns your time and labor? What makes her think she can demand/request you to take her shopping, clean and paint her house, move furniture? How outrageous of her. Now, she is tagging along wherever you and your mom go. How crazy is that?
Don't you see it? Her behavior is outrageous. Would your mom expect your cousins to do these things for her? They would say she's out of her mind.
If she is on an Advantage plan, you better check, many of them are COUNTY specific. Some do allow treatment outside of the COUNTY but, it is considered out of network and the bill is not covered at the same percentage.
It is only NOT a problem if she has standard MEDICARE and a SUPPLEMENTAL insurance.
Just a heads up.
Every time I read about your Aunt I think of mine. Out of 8 she was 7. She passed at the age of 77 and had been a widow 5 years. My Mom was 9 yrs older than her so when my Uncle died Mom was 81. Every year she and Mom would have their mammograms done at the same time. My Mom driving. When Mom lost her license at 83 I called my Aunt to tell her I changed Moms appt to the same time as mine so I could take her. Her answer "I could have driven her". I felt like saying "If so, why were u allowing her all the other times when she had to go out if her way for you. You went right passed her house to get to the Xray place." And, she had Mom picking up her mail at the PO! Again the PO was 2 doors down from the Xray place. Mom had to go clear out of her way to take the mail to my Aunt. Who was not an invalid, she could drive. I told my Mom never to volunteer me to drive her. Have no idea who did after I started driving Mom but it was not me. This is the woman who told my daughter they were in the same line if business. My daughter is an RN, my Aunt an aide who spent the night with a woman "in case" she needed help.
Please, keep to your boundries. Hopefully her siblings can help. You have enough on ur plate. Not sure how you do what you do now.
Keep us updated. Like u stick to the original post. Helps in scrolling back to update myself.
Oh? Would you say?
Sometimes blithe trust does win the day. Think of the little girl inviting Steve Buscemi to join her dolls' tea party in ConAir - it all turned out fine for her, and his character too.
So who am I to say that if you approach your aunt in the expectation that she will behave like a normally self-reliant and responsible human being it will all go horribly wrong. May you all come out of this well.
While it is great she keeps redirecting aunt to be self sufficient. The stress of having to continue to do this can also be draining too. And she hasnt even been there a month.
Please, nip the "Can I tag along on your vacation?" in the bud, asap.
Aunt: Can I come?
You: No
Aunt: Why not?
You: Because I need a break from the stress so I can relax.
😀
(I'm surprised you had her stay overnight...how did THAT go?)
She will ask and ask and ask...
Have you read Townsend and Cloud's "Boundaries"?
Once you get her into her apartment and fully stocked you need to stay away for awhile so she gets used to her new normal. I bet you see now why her kids are staying away.