How to tell my cousins their mom can't live with us?

The dinner actually went pretty good, she only cried twice. Most of the conversation actually ended up being about another aunt and her mental health issues. One of my aunts called me after to say thank you for inviting her and to comment that the 'problem' aunt has always said if she lived down here she would do so much more than everyone else does to help the aunt with the mental health issues. Last night, however, the problem aunt was saying that she can't get involved with the one with mental issues. Irony and hypocrisy at its finest!

The issue today is that she keeps asking questions that I cannot possible know the answer too. Or she says things like she's being helpful but it's really trying to get you to do something. For example, there's a box of her stuff in my trunk and she asked what was in it and I said I dont know, so she very nicely suggested I get it out bring it in and find out what's in it so that I can fit her walker in my trunk more easily.

She has also today started talking about needing to make an urgent trip to her town to clean out her safe deposit box, during the week of course. Her town is like 5 hours away and there is not even a sliver of a possibility that I will be assisting in this. This is like the fourth thing she has tried to bring up that would require a special trip during the week back to her town. I work and I'm not using my PTO to drive 10 hours round trip for her.

Aunt’s siblings are probably in their eighties. Their ability to ‘help’ is very limited, even if family relationships are tip-top. And they aren’t. And there’s a reason why they aren’t, which you are now finding out.

Tell your cousins you respect your aunt's idea about living with your mother, and thank your cousins for offering to take care of both of them

Love it! Move her box out of your trunk so her walker can go there. Right then you should have said "there is no reason for your walker to be put in my trunk because...I will not be taking you anywhere. You will be using the Senior bus or asking one if your siblings to take you where u need to go. I am a niece who works and taking care of her mother, I will have no time to run you around"

I am sure you are a good hearted person but you will need to harden that heart when it comes to this Aunt. She is passive aggressive. She thinks by dropping little "hints" you will finally do what she wants. Every time she does this, you have to put her straight. Sorry Auntie, ain't going to happen. You are not responsible for this woman. If anyone is, its her kids. Next her siblings if they want to help. And that is what it should be, help when they want to. I bet your Aunt feels by pushing herself into your life, you will eventually allow her to move in.

My MIL would get into her head I needed something. I would say No, I don't need that. One thing was clothes and jewelry. Told her no clothes because I range from a sm to a lg and jewelry, I don't wear it. She would buy them anyway and then get upset when I didn't appreciate the gesture. No, the clothes didn't fit.

Stick by your guns. You layed it on the line when u brought her to your town to be closer to her siblings. You will just need to keep reminding her and hopefully eventually she will stop asking. And the deposit box, sorry NO I cannot do that maybe one of the Aunts will be willing to drive you and maybe stay overnight.

The one thing my daughter liked about the book Boundries was:

When you say No, you are not responsible for the reaction u get.

You don't need to be 'nice' you need to be honest and straight forward. She's their mother, not yours. They need to take up the responsibility, just like your aunt did when SHE took care of THEM. Unless, there's a reason no one is sharing as to why they won't help her. All of you need to sit down and discuss it.


Colleen Pell.

"She Can't live here!" It's important that her children understand this. Keep is short and sweet. Then once her kids have made all the plans for caring for their mother in the future you can plan a visit between the two ladies.

cpell and Vickie - you are very late to the conversations, and things have changed drastically since the original post. Your comments although good are no longer applicable.

I dropped my aunt off for a doctor appointment yesterday and I had my mom with me, too. My mom felt guilty watching my aunt walk into the clinic by herself but I just said this is stuff she has to get used to doing by herself. Aunt may have a buyer for her house and keeps hinting that she needs someone to take her back to her town on a weekday. I'm not taking two days off work for that so she's going to need to find someone else. I told her the hospital will text appointment reminders to her and she said she cant text and I just said youre going to learn. She broke down yesterday saying that it's a long way to walk from the building entrance to her apartment door and she doesnt know if she can make it there. It's not that far, she's the third apartment on the ground floor. She actually told my mom that sometimes she cries to get people to do things for her. So now I really don't feel so sorry for her. She looks a bit feeble right now butt she says she only started using the walker a week before my uncle died. I know this sounds bad but I just want her to go away. I don't even think she realizes how manipulative she is and how much of a burden she is on everyone. I was in the middle of a 14 hour workday and she calls and asks me to pick up her medicine. Which isnt a huge deal but it would take my whole lunchtime. Then she has my mom call me at work to see if I'd go to the store for some baby carrots, I had just gotten carrots but they were the long ones. I said no and that she'd have to cut these up instead. Just a lot of little annoying things like that all the time.

EN, I would call my Auntie out for calling my mom to call me.

Maybe telling her that behavior only gets her less help might help?

Manipulative seniors know they are manipulative, they've had decades to perfect their technique. So don't think for one minute she doesn't know what she's doing, she does and does it so well, you question whether she knows or not! Sounds like perfected to second nature.

Best of luck out maneuvering this professional! She sounds like she is really good at what she does.

So you ended up taking her to the dr. appointment. How did she get back home?

I would tell Mom and Aunt that they are not to call you at work. Nothing is that important it can't wait. I would ask if the pharmacy delivers. If not, try another one that does. You told her when she moved there she was on her own. If she needed help she had siblings near by. Your Mom and Aunt need to be reminded of this. You are not her go to person. You hold down a job and all you have time for is Mom. Aunt needs to use the resources that your County provides.

My MIL was English, a warbride. She went to the store almost everyday which according to my SIL who was stationed there, the English seem to do daily. My FIL retired and found out what she had been doing and put a stop to it. She told him she needed honey, he told her to use the sugar. My Mom did not drive. My Dad got paid every two weeks. On payday he took her to the store to get groceries. That's the only time she went. We did have milk delivery.

I see no problem doing for Aunt occasionally. If you and Mom go grocery shopping then you can ask if she wants to go but make her aware she better get what she needs. I didn't realize I was setting boundries with Mom and she excepted it. We went shopping once a week and ran errands. We shared the same Bank and pharmacy. Both not 5 min away from my house. Went by the pharmacy every day so no problem picking up her order. But, nothing was an emergency so did it in my time. Always my time unless an emergency.

I know you feel like a meany but you need to stick by ur guns. One Aunt I had I would have done anything for the other I told Mom not to volunteer me to do something for her. Keep reminding them and yourself, you told them you wouldn't help her anymore than you had.

Yes, its sad. Your Aunt is where she is because of herself. Hard at 88 to come to the realization that she is alone. She will latch on anyone she can. That does not need to be you. You cannot take on anymore than you already have. Point her in the direction of her siblings. She needs a ride to the doctor, sign her up with senior bussing. Here you call 2 days in advance of the appt.

Also tell her if she gets to the point she is not capable if caring for herself, she will need to go to an AL or LTC. So hold on to any proceeds she gets from the house because she will need them for her care.

EN- I think it's time to level with aunt. This time spell it out clearly and coldly.

You: Auntie, I've helped you A LOT already and I am burned out with helping you.
I am at the end of my rope with helping you.
I don't want to help anymore, and I won't help anymore.
You need to find other ways to get to the doctors, to get your groceries, to get back to your old house, etc.

Do not call my number.
Do not call my mother.

(This is where she starts crying...)

Please call someone else for help.
Call someone else to cry to.

I am done. At least for a long while.
If and when I have time, I will call and chat with you.

Bye auntie.
Hang up or leave.

The other alternative is to ghost her.

Polar, I wouldn't hold out hope to aunt that EN is done "for a long time". That would seem to imply that Aunt should wait for EN to "come around".

EN, the time has certainly come for a sit down with your Aunt. I would make her aware that you are simply not willing and not available to assist her and that she needs a life-style change. Rather than living in a regular apartment, she may need to consider Assisted Living, or a senior apartment with services.

"You'll have to make other arrangements" is phrase I find useful.

Aunt is all at sea. You threw her a rope but she is pulling too hard. Will pull you down, drown you, then start on your Mother or the next one.

Call the coast guard instead. Blow the whistle on her now so she gets OTHER help.

Start by writing to her new Doctor. Not the whole story - just an outline will do: recent widow, not coping, family can't do it all & are stepping back. Probably needs AL.

Then Barb's "You'll have to make other arrangements". On repeat.

Whether you call it Tough Love, or being cruel to be kind - this will keep you from drowning. This will mean she has to start accepting NON-YOU help.

Even how she talks is a giant manipulation. If she's hot but doesn't want to stand up, she'll say are you hot, you should plug in a fan. Or if she's hungry, she'll ask if you're hungry so she can get you to grab her food.

EN, how is your mother coping, with all of this going on? What does she say about it?

"AL would take all her money".

Eh?

AL does not TAKE your money. You SPEND, i.e., feely exchange, your funds for housing, care and food.

Is her current apartment "taking" her money?

"What are you saving your money for, Aunt?

Is she saving it to leave to her kids who aren't assisting her?

You know, if they heard she was going to b AL (and spending "their" inheritance), they might have a change of heart.

"AL would take all her money and she doesn't want that."

So.....? You have got to get past the significant (to you) hurdle of what Auntie does or doesn't want. Barb's "You'll have to make other arrangements" is the phrase that will automatically roll off your lips until she accepts your boundaries.

Has she been in touch with the local Area Agency on Aging?

Give her the number. She is to ask for a "needs assessment" and "case management".

You are expending all of your energy providing care for your mom. You are halfway to burnout there. Don't foolishly take on an additional eldercare assignment. There are resources out there. Point her toward them.

I always laugh when I hear "they will take her money and she doesn't want that".

Next time Auntie wants you to go to the store you could tell her, "you don't want to do that, they'll take your money".

I have a niece that does the hinting around for you to do it or offer to do it. It is intended to get what they want and to be able to say they never asked you for anything.

I am beginning to understand why her children backed all the way away. That type of personality doesn't know the meaning of gratitude, it's all about getting what they want without ever having to ask or say thank you. Mostly you will hear, oh you didn't have to do that. UGH!

EN, new rule: mother is NOT to be alone with aunt.

If you can't be there, make sure someone else is. Otherwise at all times mother must have a prior engagement if aunt asks her to visit or suggests coming to see her.

I love all my clients, I make a point of it. I don't care what they're like, every unique personality adds spice to my job. So I hate to say this, but your aunt is viral. Do not let her infect your mother. And train mother in kind ways to end telephone conversations, too.

Sheesh.

I think she is faking having to use a walker. Yesterday my mom was sleeping and I think my aunt thought I was gone somewhere and I heard her walk to the bathroom, I can always hear the walker because the hallway outside the bathroom is narrow. I didn't hear anything but her feet shuffling. I'm getting super creeped by all of this.

" Shortly before I arrived at my aunt's home one day, she was throwing and breaking things that her children had given her in front of my mom. When I arrived shortly after this, aunt acted perfectly normal."

EN - I can see why your mother is afraid of aunt. My take on this is that aunt was trying to intimidate your mother by throwing and breaking things. OK, so she was hurt and angry at her children, but notice that she didn't CRY as she usually does in front of you. And for her to act perfectly normal shortly after that performance shows she's very calculating and cold.

Oh dear. I feel a fall coming on... in your house of course.. lots of drama & attention. Oh I'll just be safer living here from now on - with you - to care for me.

"Oh this apartment is no good, it isn't accessible for me because of my mobility issues - and I can't sleep, I can't sleep for the road noise - can't I come and stay, just for a night or two? I can't bear it, I wish I hadn't let you talk me into moving, I thought you'd be here for me, you said you'd help me..."

EN, you *really* need to get this lady off your hands altogether.

When a person shows you what they are and you ignore it that's on you. Shouldn't the OP have taken into account all these things about aunt before bringing her to her city? Geez talk about denial. Not to mention aunt is currently living with OP and not in her apartment.

The mother is scared of sister/aunt. OP still hasn't set any boundaries with aunt. The entire thing is insane. Clearly OP needs to gave an actual conversation with aunt and lay it all out there. The aunt should never have moved until her house was sold and the aunt made her own living arrangements.

Let this story be a warning to anyone considering doing what OP has done. No good deed goes punished but those who do bad things seldom get punished (yes auntie iam talking about you).

"aunt is currently living with OP and not in her apartment."

I've been wondering about this. WHY is aunt "staying over" with OP and her mother, especially knowing that aunt's ultimate goal is moving in with OP and her mother?

I guess we all now see the cousin’s point of view. And the cousins do not expect their mom to live with the OP they are just saying she will not live with them. Auntie has resources she just chooses not to use them.

Get Aunt into that apartment ASAP. Check on her once every other week. Make it very clear to her you are not a daily resource.

EN, is your aunt living in her own apartment now?

We seem to have moved on from "How do I tell my cousins.." to "How do I tell my Aunt she can't live with me?"

EN, have you considered seeking therapy to work on this difficulty you seem to have with saying "no" firmly to family members?

Auntie is 88, frail and not in good health. If she had the sense God gave a goat, she'd have moved in to a supportive housing situation, like an AL.

Like many here, you are awaiting the "crisis"--a fall or illness that will send Aunt to the hospital. Then she goes to rehab and, one hopes, LTC. Or the cycle continues a few more rounds until the hospital/rehab realizes she is no longer a "safe discharge".

You are going to need every bit of psychological strength not to swoop in and try to rescue her.