How to tell my cousins their mom can't live with us?

Nothing new to report, I haven't seen or talked to her since my last post. I have heard that she messaged one of my cousins one facebook and asked that the cousin have her mom call her. She apparently wanted a ride somewhere, I'm guessing probably a long distance. What struck me as funny about this is that she has this family member's phone number. She was able to call her from the psych ward so she knows how to find their number. Her asking this family member to call her instead of just calling seems a bit gamey, like shes trying have the upper hand by them being the ones to call, but whatever. I also heard that her son assumed the mortgage on her house and gave her some money for it but I dont know how much. I haven't talked to any of her kids in several months either. Everything seems pretty good in my world right now.

Just say it. Simple.

What's the latest on this drama?

She wanted someone to call her to ask if she wanted a ride. They didn't so now she is sulking.

Had a friend that felt this way, people should come to her not her ask. It was always, poor me.

We had a get together for one of my uncles bday over the weekend at a local park. Aunt was invited and told to call one of my other aunts if she wanted a ride. Apparently the aunt that told her about said she was excited and going to come but then the day of the event she never answered her phone or called any one for a ride. My mentally ill aunt has been the one most in contact with her and was very insistent on trying to have the get together in her yard but everyone else wanted to go to the park so that's what we did.

I am glad aunt was invited so that she had a chance to be around the other siblings if she wanted. It was her choice to come or not and ultimately she chose not to, so if she's lonely or trying to feel sorry for herself she has to realize that the ball was in her court.

I have not heard anything from aunt since my last post. I did get a text from one of her kids asking for the number to her apartment manager so I just sent that and didn't ask any questions. I assume she's not answering the phone or responding to their emails or facebook messages. My mom is planning to over to aunt's with one of her sisters next week and drop off some food. She says she just wants to check on her if she has her other sister with she doesn't think aunt will be too clingy.

I am a bit curious about a few things but I am learning not to ask questions because it can just draw you in more. My mom has been more moody than usual the last few days, I really think her moods make her medical issues worse. And if she feels guilty about that makes her feel physically worse. I just keep my mouth shut about most of my opinions but she knows I won't be anything to help with aunt.

Almost 2 weeks and nothing from your Aunt?

No, she is not embarrassed, she is hoping you come to the rescue.

She hasn't tried to get a hold of us since my mom talked to her last Sunday. One thing I did find interesting was that we were talking to my Ml aunt on friday and on this list that I gave my aunt, the very first thing I put on it was to call the county and set up an appointment to see if she qualified to have a personal care attendant paid for. My MI aunt said that this aunt had talked about it with the crisis worker and decided not to do that right now. Why not? It makes no sense to be why she wouldn't pursue that. She doesn't drive, she claims she cant work her internet or grocery shop, she doesnt want to unpack, clean or cook. These are all things a home home worker could assist with. She also went around to three of her neighbors to see if they could fix her internet. My MI aunt was concerned she hadn't paid her rent yet so she called the office to check and my aunt told her not to call the office anymore. Could this aunt possibly be embarrassed? I don't recall her having any feelings of embarrassment when she was crawling across one the busiest streets in town so she could drag herself into my workplace thinking to try to get me to take her six hours away to see a daughter who doesnt want to see her and had no idea she was going to try and come there.

Posting to bring it back to top. I need to know where this all ends up leading. Its like a soap opera. 😊

So today is the 14th and Aunts been good for 4 days? I so hope so EM.

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When I got up today, my mom said that she no longer wanted to go over to my aunt's. She said she got caught up in worrying about and feeling like she needed to take care of her. So we decided to just slip the list under her door and then called her and told her we weren't coming. Aunt sounded depressed and sad on the phone but like she was trying to do some things on her own. I do feel sorry for her, that she's lonely and overwhelmed but I get a feeling of panic in the pit of my stomach when I think of seeing her. It's just not a halfway situation with her, either she cries and tells you all her problems, wants to see you all the time and will call every time she has an issue or you have to have almost have no contact with her. One of her daughters said she will order groceries for her and help her with paying bills and her son apparently said he would help with selling her house but she needs to be the one to reach out to them. We told her to just keep the conversation to these things and not talk about any of their other issues right now. I gave her the number to call and schedule an appointment for an assessment to see if she qualifies for PCA services. I gave her the number for the bus for elderly and handicapped services. I gave her daughter the info she needs to pay her rent online.
This situation kind of ruined my weekend so I'm heading into a long week feeling tired and stressed out. I work nine hour days M-T so that I can have a shorter day on Fridays during the summer. Then I schedule appointments for my second job on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings. I fit in my homework around this stuff. If I am not at work, I take my mom and my dog pretty much everywhere with me. I need one day on the weekend to sleep in and kind of take it easy most of the day. In the summer, I try to do something fun one day per weekend, I'll include my mom if I can but somethings she just can't participate in. I love my day job, I could make more money somewhere else but I would rather like my job and the people that I work with than make a couple more dollars an hour. I left an awful work environment to come here and I don't regret it all. So that is pretty much my life, the time I have free is basically on the weekend and a couple evenings a week but my mom usually keeps me somewhat busy those times and I have to take off work sometimes for her appointments so not always a lot of time there either. My dog also has some health issues and is kind of needy so she takes a fair amount of time, too. I don't think I can do anymore than we've done.

To quote my very wise late mom: "some people are their own worst enemies."

Yes, I thought that Aunt already got a list. I think I may call the crisis worker. Tell her what you were told. Get her side.

You don't buy an AL apartment but you do "buy into" a Community, usually IL, then an AL and then finally a NH. Actually 90k is cheap if this is what crisis worker is talking about. And get mad because Aunt doesn't have the money? Doesn't Aunt own her house? What is being done with that?

I agree, if Mom wants to help, let her but without you. Make it plain that anything Mom agrees to is all on her. You ARE NOT getting involved. That means Mom will need to find her own rides to Aunts. Mom is not to figure you into any plans she and Aunt make. Your answer will always be no. If Mom can't do it, her answer needs to be no. Aunt has children of her own who should be doing for her. You are not using your free time to fetch and carry for her. Stick by your guns because once you let ur guard down, it will be hard to say no.

Not like we didn’t see this coming and we all knew mom was the weakest link. Make the list and make 10 copies. Next time she loses it you can mail her one. How did mom take the news that she was going alone without a chauffeur?

"She said aunt was very *contrite* and wants us to come over tomorrow..."

Contrite? How so? What did aunt say? What reasons did she give for wanting you and your mom to go see her? Seems like ner usual bait and trap tactics.

Does your mom know you won't be driving her to aunt's place? If not, what are you going to tell mom when she puts pressure on you?

The crisis worker is upset with your aunt? She's even running off the social services people...wow!

Good for you for refusing to participate in any informational meeting with your two aunts. Shame on your mother for STILL trying to help by getting you involved.

Haven't you already given your aunt the list of places and phone numbers to access help? But, yes, giving them a list is a good act on your part. Will your mother actually make her own arrangements to get to aunt's apartment?

BTW, my mother was the same way about accessing my area's ride service. One time we were at the coumadin clinic, and she mused, "What do people do who don't have daughters?" There was no way that SHE would ever take a handi-ride van. I was "forced" to become her driver, and she was not happy when I set strict limits on my chauffering her around.

The crisis worker story is your aunt's say-so, right?

I'll bet the truth is something different.

It sounds like you've taken the first step towards getting out of your somewhat enmeshed relationship with your mom. Well done.

So my mom answered the phone when aunt called today. She said aunt was very contrite and wants us to come over tomorrow along with my mentally ill aunt. My mom wants me to make a list of phone numbers for my aunt to call for help and services. Apparently the crisis worker has started to avoid her and is upset with her for not going to an assisted living apartment where she would have to buy a 90k apartment. Aunt doesnt even have 90k.

Mom said she told aunt that we aren't going to do things for her but did agree that she (and I, who was not home at the time) would come over tomorrow. I told my mom all the reasons I dont think that is a good idea and she counters with aunt is all alone, this is her sister, she is not going to get involved to the same level as before, yadda yadda yadda.

Ive been upset about this all evening and have come to the conclusion that my mom may feel she needs to be involved and there is nothing I can do to change that. However, that doesnt mean I need to be involved. I decided I will write out the list she wants but I'm not going over to her apartment. I also won't be driving my mom over there, she can figure out how to get back and forth. This is exactly how we got involved in this circus to begin with. Aunt would ask my mom a question, mom would try to get me to figure out and plan aunt's life. Her whole life is a logistical nightmare. I dont wish bad things for her but I am not willing to spend my little free time on her.

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Took a taxi across the street...love it. She is something. Was she a favored child? Did her husband wait on her hand and foot?

My FIL was one of 8. His sister F being the oldest. She married a man who put her on a pedestal. They had no children. When she got a bath/shower he was right there with a towel for her to dry off. Me, my shower is my me time, the door gets locked. When her DH died at 98, she was in her early 90s. There was a 14 yr difference between her and FIL. My in-laws were moving to Fla at that time. F felt her brothers responsibility was to stay and help care for her. My MIL told her differently. The sister she made POA would not have her living with her because they were like oil and water. No way was A waiting on F when A had worked all her life to have what she did. The other sister suffered from RA so couldn't care for her. So off to AL she went and when money ran out a NH.

You say NO! And repeat it until it sinks in. I had to do it for my own health and sanity.

"One of them wouldn't do anything to help, one would help but she's pretty busy with her kids and husband, and the final one is helping her some but she's pretty mentally ill, like she's only mid 50's and she quit driving because of anxiety."

One of these sibs of your aunt will be designated next-of-kin. Sounds like it's one of the 2 sisters mentioned above. What has the mentally ill one doing to help your aunt?

So the criris worker did NOT call you on Tuesday?

If the crisis worker calls you, you say that YOU'RE not involved, just like her kids did.

EN, let us know if the crisis worker ends up calling you after meeting with your aunt today. She shouldn't, but we all know she might!

So one uncle is pretty much done with aunt, and we know her children are, too. How many siblings are left (NOT including your mother)?

Once Aunt has burned up ALL relatives & neighbours good will & free help may she be granted the wisdom of *insight*.

💡
I am not entitled for the world to serve me.

If I want a thing done, I ASK someone.

If they say no, I ask elsewhere.

I may have to PAY for something I want.

🤔

EB - Aunt sure needs a lot of help. If she wants her brother to help, maybe she can pay him for his time, and gas. Would your uncle be interested if paid fairly?

I ran into my uncle last night and he, my mom and I ended up talking for like three hours. He had gone for a drive with my aunt last Friday and she was trying to get him to do all sorts of things for her. She was listing a lot medical issues she has that he also has, and was acting like this means she needs someone at her beck and call 24/7. She actually asked him to stay overnight at her apartment. He said he went to the grocery store for her and was asking himself how he ended up looking for cat treats in the middle of the night, lol. He said he was more blunt with her about needing to do things for herself and she got angry.

He was actually pretty helpful in explaining some things to my mom and helping her to not feel so guilty. I don't think my mom wants anything to do with my aunt but it's the idea in her head that she feels like she should do things for her. He also used the words 'feels like she would suck the life out me' about my aunt. I explained that we would have a very casual relationship with her, if that were possible, but that I don't think it is. I don't think aunt would allow the relationship to be like that, I think she would constantly be calling and asking for things and manipulating, because of this, I just don't think we can have anything to do with her. He plans to screen his calls from her and stay away.

When an agency calls say you have no idea why Aunt gave her ur# when she has siblings in their 60s and 4 children, then the person their phone#s. Also ask that she "lose" ur phone#.

Glad you had a nice vacation. I am sitting in Toronto airport waiting for my flight home. In Alaska for 11 days.

I really feel for you at this latest twist. The continuous pressure of it. Keep strong as you are!!

This inbetween land is when I felt the most uneasy.

When I had seen through some FOG, had built some strategies & defences. But like a small boat on the waves, some splashes got over the sides.

While you have done a truly amazing job on your boundaries, found when you gave a helping hand to your Aunt to stop her drowning, she pulled your arm off.. cared not who she drowned in her survival. Your Mom still has FOG & as you stated, she will feel the pull, offer her hand but this includes YOUR hand also.

This also happened to me. Each time help would be offered by someone who had such porous boundaries they could not see I was separate to them. They offered - but expected me to be the help.

I had to keep on clarifying. You may call, visit, help.
But you CANNOT offer MY services or time. That is up to ME.

I can see it now sometimes with DH's side too. Some who act as though their brain has the right to instruct other's bodies - they control some mega-multi armed multi legged being. It's a shock to them when this part over here (me) says no. It's how dare you.

No-one in my life has said this better than a 5 yr old boy I met once;

Well you may want me to do it that way, but I don't. I have my own way. I am a separate person to you & we are allowed to think differently.

Sorry Mom. Help if you want. But I will not be manipulated nor enable.

My mom is once again trying to be the weakest link. She was talking about going to visit or calling aunt today. She says it's not that she wants to but she feels like she should. I reminded her that she is not good at saying no and when she agrees to do something, that usually means that she is obligating me to do something because she is very limited in what she can do. I reminded her that this aunt moving down here in the first place is because she couldn't say no and leave this aunt alone in her house. I reminded her that she has a history of saying yes to this aunt when she doesn't want to and then being angry and resentful towards her. I asked what she is going to say when aunt starts crying and begging her to 'not abandon her'. I told her that I am done with aunt and will not commit to even dropping her off a cup of coffee once a month. I will not help her see aunt or drive her over there. I am just starting to feel a little bit recovered from all this.

My brother said something recently that stuck out to me. He said when he doesn't want to do something sometimes, he will become such a pain in the rear end that eventually someone will do it for him. That is totally aunt's M.O.! Obviously she knows we don't want anything to do with her, we haven't answered the phone or called in a month. We have told other members of the family that we can't be involved. So she gives my number to a crisis worker to call me? I feel like I have PTSD from this whole situation.

"The crisis person asked her if there was anyone who could help her out over the weekend and she gave them my number."

She is a master of manipulation, isn't she? She has someone on the line who presumably can get her emergency supplies or help from an agency, but she defaults to running you to ground.

More flying monkeys to do her bidding.