How to tell my cousins their mom can't live with us?

EN, was this crisis stabilization worker part of a follow-up to her in-patient psych stay?

Curious how they have your number.

If her children don't care that she is either crying for help or crying wolf, I don't see how it's your place to get involved.

Perhaps have a cousin's phone number handy as "next of kin" for these situations...

I was driving home from work today and I got a call from some sort of crisis stabilization worker. Apparently, the worker had talked to my aunt and my aunt had said she needed groceries and she wanted someone to come over and plug in her computer. The worker wanted someone to take her groceries and is going to meet with her next tuesday. I said that we werent involved but I could let one of my other aunts that has been helping her know. I texted my cousins and let them know. The cousins said that she hasn't been responding to them ever since one of them told her she can't live with them. I let my aunt know and she said she was sure that the other aunt had groceries but she was going to call her. She called me back a few hours later and said she was worried because aunt wasn't answering the phone. I told her she could call in a welfare check so she did. The police said no one was home, so this aunt was thinking that maybe she went for a ride with one of my uncles.

I've been back from vacation for several days and have not spoken to my aunt at all. She called today for the first time but I didn't answer. But I'm having some interesting clarity tonight. My mom got all worked up talking about my aunt and acting like someone should help her or concerns about aunt losing all her money because shes not addressing financial things. I had to basically tell her whatever will be, will be. If aunt is not taking care of what she should be that is on her and she will bear the consequences. She was ok cognitively at the time her husband died. If she isn't now, it's because shes doping herself up on ativan. I am not getting involved with this again.
My clarity was that my mom is what got me involved in the first place. She wants to worry about all this, get riled up and eventually I get involved just so I can have some peace and quiet. Not happening this time. My aunt cries and acts helpless to get people to do what she wants but my mom gets angry about it and thinks if she blows that will solve the problem. Two sides of the same coin. What a cycle these two have been in their whole lives. My mom might have some insight into their pattern but all the insight in the world doesnt do a damn bit of good if you keep letting yourself fall back into the behavior.

Tell them that their mum needs them in this point of her life and their the only people in her life and they should support her and you should keep praying to God

First day of vacation already over! It was in the 90's and the water was super warm. Rained for a bit in the evening and that helped cool it off some. The sand here is so nice, I think they call it sugar sand. Where I'm from the sand is almost like gravel and you feel like you're covered with a layer of dust when you leave the beach. Here it just falls through your fingers. I just like to sit and stare at the water, it's so peaceful. I kind of feel like I'm getting over a breakup or something, like a big thing has happened and I'm recovering from it. I have some work that I need to finish but I'm gonna put that off for another day and just read until I fall asleep.

My bookmark 😊

From now to you get home I want to hear nothing about the Aunt. You are on vacation! Please enjoy the peace and quiet. Tell us positive things about ur days.

My daughter, not into religion, read Boundries by Townsend and Cloud and felt, even though Christian based it was pretty good.

It sounds like there is a good deal of untreated mental illness in mom's family.

Is your mom being followed by a geriatric psychiatrist for her depression and anxiety?

Is her pain being treated now?

Having dealt with jerks on various issues (including, but not limited to, care giving), who've seen me as the solution to *their* responsibilities, I've found *that* you tell them, is more important than *how* you tell them, first order that you state plainly that it's not up to them, it's up to you, and you say no, period.

It's difficult, because they're *choosing to make* it difficult, hoping that the path of least resistance for you is to give in, to get out of an awkward situation, that they *chose to create*, in the hope of *transferring their responsibilities to you*.

It's in your interest to be as polite as you can, to not take the bait of engaging in drama, so that they can't twist your words and reaction for their benefit. If they hint and hang over your head that there may be unpleasant consequences to your decision, then they own those consequences (as well as the situation its self) that they chose to create, not you. There's never an easy way to deal with dishonorable people, because they deliberately *make* it difficult as a strategy to take from you, that which does not belong to them. Once I learned to see it this way, it didn't necessarily become easy for me, but the choice did become more clear. Honorable people would never have put you in this situation, in the first place, period.

(above paragraphs, are in my position on the cousins, siblings is unfortunately far more difficult)

EN, I was curious about your caregiving situation with your mother, so I looked back on your previous posts. You first posted here in 2019.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/princess-and-the-pea-469620.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-you-plan-anything-in-your-life-as-a-caregiver-465194.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/what-can-you-do-when-a-sibling-doesnt-keep-the-rest-of-family-informed-about-moms-medical-condition-464927.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/anyone-having-a-fallout-and-losing-siblings-over-parents-care-464462.htm?orderby=recent&page=1�
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/caregiver-fatigue-or-a-horrible-person-445038.htm?orderby=recent&page=1󪃥

How long do you plan on being your mother's only caregiver? You already subsidize her financially; when it comes to her needing help while you are at work, are you going to pay for that out of your own pocket? You have siblings (2 sisters?), and neither of them does a thing to help with their mother. And one lives only a mile away! Why is that?

Were you groomed to me your mother's eventual caregiver?

What is your mother's financial status? Is she contributing anything to her upkeep? Is facility placement every going to be on the table?

I assume your sister a mile away has had nothing to do with your aunt?

While this thread has to do with your aunt and her manipulations, it seems like you have also been manipulated by your mother, yes?

EN, it occurs to me that you are an inveterate "fixer" (I am too) and that you don't trust yourself to be able to say "no, I can't possibly do that" and stick to it.

So many folks I know use religious texts to manipulate others for their own gain. Christ advocated poverty and communal welfare, yet the folks who preach his texts aggressively and loudly appear to hold neither of those values in high regard.

I like "God helps those who help themselves."

Aunt needs a professional therapist. Not you.
She needs reliable transportation. NOT YOU.
She needs food and prescription delivery. Not you.
She needs a new team of doctors. Not you.
She needs a case manager. Not you,

You've given her all the tools to acquire the above. Your stepping back forced her kids to step back in (good!).

Your mother can have as much of a relationship as she wants with her sister. It doehave to involve you. Your mom sounds easily manipulated by her sister, so you may end up needing to enforce a boundary with mom as well.

As I've said, therapy is a pretty good c way of working on this stuff.

It's been quiet...almost too quiet. We had the cookout for my mom's bday today and it went well. We're leaving tomorrow morning for vacation. I haven't talked with her kids since she discharged on Wednesday. My aunt and uncle that I saw today haven't seen her since they let her into her apartment on Wednesday. I have one other aunt that may be involved with her but she called me on Thursday and I didn't answer because I figured it was a set-up to get me to speak to this aunt.
I feel bad for the situation she is in and I told my mom maybe someday we can have a very casual relationship with her but not now. She needs to become more independent and she's very capable of doing all the things that she tries to get other people to do for her. I don't know what she's going to do about her house but she needs to figure that out on her own. I realize that she isn't able to drive but there are plenty of bus, taxi and van services and she has the number for them. I think I feel bad right now because I want to go in and 'fix' things for people but that wouldn't help her, she'd just come up with a new list of requests and it would never end.
I am a Christian and I tried to think about what God would want us to do in this situation and I don't think he'd want us to cater to her. I don't think he want us to completely cut her off, either. I just don't feel capable of a middle ground with her right now though. I need a whole bunch of time and distance before I can even consider talking to her.

EN, have a wonderful, relaxing and CAREfree vacation.

My bookmark

Vacation is almost here. It will be so nice getting away, just you and Mom and just the way it should be.

She got out of the hospital today and took a cab home. Her kids had some sort of discharge meeting with her and told me she has all the phone numbers she needs. Two of my other aunts met her at her apartment and gave her the keys. She started calling my phone around 6, then i started getting calls from one of the other aunts. I didn't answer because I figured they were still together and trying to trick me into answering the phone. I think she has targeted that aunt to recruit as her new caregiver. I felt a little like a prisoner in my house because I could see her trying to stop by and surprise us. I'll be gone from 6:30am until 10pm tomorrow so I should be ok there at least!

Just about this cat.. I’ve just read a comment about how a dog loves a master, a cat has domestic staff. Perhaps caring about a cat is a one-way transaction?

Through a series of interesting events, my father and maternal uncle shared an apartment an hour away from me. When my father was hospitalized, we (mom, bro, and I) contacted my uncle's children (3 adults all living in the same city) and told them that their father needed help because my father would no longer be able to provide care for him. My cousins blew off our concerns. Several weeks passed, my father passed away and my uncle's decline continued. I was the sole caregiver for my mom and her oldest sister and I worked full-time. My mom and I would check on him, but her sister kept us busy. A few months passed and my cousins called, wanting me to become their father's caregiver, too. I told them no. They said he didn't have to live with us, he could live in a Veteran's home in our town and I said no. I didn't hear from them again, and eventually, they moved their father to their hometown.

I shared this to say that no is an answer. No is to the point and is a sufficient response. You don't have to give a reason, but if you want to, that's your decision. Although I love my uncle, I have no regrets with that decision. I am very grateful that I was able to be there for my mom and my aunt.

I'm so glad you said this: "I don't have time for someone like that in my life and that I don't plan to have any contact with her going forward."

Now you just have to stick with that stance like your very life depends on it. Stay away, at least until someone in her direct line steps up and gets her more permanently situated.

I was in their shoes once, and I sympathize with them. Your experiences with your aunt the past few weeks have been hard, but imagine having to grow up with that. The prospect of becoming re-involved with such a parent is incredibly scary to someone who thinks they finally escaped that person's clutches, and it can take a while to accept the idea that the time has come. The fear is visceral. There's a lot of denial involved.

But ... they have to get involved. Even if involvement just looks like getting the state to take over. The buck stops with them. They just haven't come around to accepting that yet. As long as you, cousin, even have a pinky finger involved with their mother, that's all the excuse they need to keep being in denial. In a way, you're inadvertently enabling them to stay in that place of denial. I'm sure they say "Cousin EN is a social worker. She'll know what to do. Mom still hasn't burned her bridges with EN." You need to show them the burnt up ropes of that bridge, and keep showing it to them until they are forced to admit that there is no one else. It's the only way to get them to admit that this is their responsibility. With any luck, things will progress to the point that they can officially let the state take over as guardian in the near future.

Oh, and the back surgery? Hogwash. I know someone up for back surgery. There was a long wait for the MRI, then there was a long wait for the appointment with the surgeon, and now there's another long wait before the surgery will actually take place. I doubt she got an MRI while being admitted for an anxiety attack, and that she would be scheduled for surgery within two weeks.

At any rate, good for you for finally laying down the law. Now keep doing it until they get it.

Moving sounds like a great idea, EN.

Happt birthday to your mom and enjoy your vacation!

Joann, the cousins and aunts, like en, can walk away at any time. I sense that is what they’d already prefer.

"The Aunt's children hired someone to feed the cat. E will be giving keys to another Aunt and one of her Aunt's children. She has not answered a call from the Aunt since she entered the hospital. E has made it clear to a cousin that she cannot be there for Aunt."

I thought the cat carer is only going to take care of the cat until aunt comes back to her apartment. I am just hoping that EN doesn't jump in even temporarily to do cat care when aunt ends up in hospital again.

From EN: " My cousins hired someone to feed the cat in case she stays in over the weekend so I'm giving her the other set on Friday. We are going to put anything she left at my house in a box and leave it in her apartment."

EN, are you putting anything aunt left at your house in her apartment before you hand over your last set of keys to your cousin on Friday?

The Aunt's children hired someone to feed the cat. E will be giving keys to another Aunt and one of her Aunt's children. She has not answered a call from the Aunt since she entered the hospital. E has made it clear to a cousin that she cannot be there for Aunt. She works, has school and has her own Mom to help. Whether the children/cousins like it or not, their Mom, their responsibility. Its up to them to make sure she is safe and fed. They do not have to do the hands on care and they can always turn Moms care over to the state. E has set boundries from day one. Laid it on the line but Aunt refuses to honor them. So now, she has to cut Aunt off completely.

Not sure if I would not invite the Aunt that seems to be willing to help. You could ask that she not mention it to the "Aunt" because ur are not inviting her for good reason.

Again, go on your vacation and enjoy. Block everyones #s. You are now done with this Drama. Hopefully, by the time you return, everyone will have it all worked out. Make sure all understand that communications are between Aunt, her children and Aunt's siblings that you are out of the picture.

I see a potential weak link because of cat care. You've told aunt's family that you are no longer going to be taking care of the cat. Now does aunt do all cat care by herself, including vet visits?

If she lands in the hospital again (probably a matter of "when" not "if"), do NOT do cat care no matter what. Not for a day, not for a week, not "until they can get someone," not for someone "who can't start until next week because they are out of town." Because if you DO agree to any amount of cat care, you will be showing that you cannot hold to a boundary. And then aunt will try to breach all your boundaries all over again.

OP, I have been reading and reading and so far I'm on page 5 of your saga and finally had to weigh in. You are going down my friend. I'm going back for more details but I wanted to add my two cents for what they are worth. About 5 years ago - my BIL and SIL moved in with my FIL "temporarily" due to their own need. At the time - my FIL was 99% independent - he could perform most every single Activity of Daily Living (ADL) on his own and was living alone and pretty much didn't need any help unless he had an emergency. They moved in and he had an epiphany that they owed him servitude apparently - and within 18 months - fewer than 500 DAYS....he went from complete independence to complete dependence - because "Why would I do it for myself when they can do it for me?" He can now no longer do a single ADL for himself without intervention with the possible exception of walking to the bathroom with a walker (which he didn't need then) and using the toilet and returning. That is IT.

Please understand when I say this - there are certain personality types and it sounds like your Aunt has one -that will literally take and take and take until there is nothing left - and then you are left with the fall out.

My personal hope is that by the time I get to the end of this you have washed your hands of the entire thing and are moving her to an AL or have left her to her own devices. But I suspect you are still up to your eyeballs in this. I'm crossing my fingers that you have taken your vacation and had an epiphany of your own and escaped!!

Happy Birthday to your mom and a wonderful, relaxing vacation for both of you.

Well done starting the total disconnect!

I let the kids know that I dropped off the keys and that apparently she's discharging tomorrow and taking a cab home. One of them asked if I was dropping the keys off there to avoid their mom with a sad face. I said that I have several jobs, I'm in school, I take care of my mom and that I don't have enough hours in the day as it is. I said I can't be the person their mom calls every time she needs something. I said I don't think she's a horrible person but that she's very manipulative and I don't have time for someone like that in my life and that I don't plan to have any contact with her going forward. I said one of the other aunts is going to show her how to order groceries and she has list of all the transportation companies in town.
So that was like 3 hours ago and none of them have said anything. Hasta nunca, ya me voy, muchachas!

Dropping one set of her keys off to one of my aunts tonight so she can call this aunt whenever she gets released from the hospital. My cousins hired someone to feed the cat in case she stays in over the weekend so I'm giving her the other set on Friday. We are going to put anything she left at my house in a box and leave it in her apartment. She has called yesterday and today, just in one sitting, she'll call like three times in a row right away then stop for the rest of the day. The aunt that I'm dropping the keys off to called me yesterday and kept trying to fish for details. Then she asks if the aunt in the hospital 'needs' to have someone with her 24 hours a day or not? Looks like she's the next target! I said she 'wants' to have someone with her 24 hours a day but I don't know anyone that is able to do that and that people have their own lives. My mom's birthday is this weekend so I planned a get together for Saturday and did not invite the aunt that I'm dropping the keys off to as she would tell the hospitalized aunt.

Again, my bookmark so I know where I have read to. Can't wait to see how this all pans out.

It feels so good to not have spoken to her for a week.

EN, whether or not Aunt had MRI during psychiatric hold, or if she been told she needs surgery is cause for "oh, that's interesting".

It is SO not cause for anything else.