How to tell my cousins their mom can't live with us?

EN, you are going to have to tell her no at some point, don't you think starting while she is in care would be best?

That way she has some support and treatment if it makes her wig out.

Sorry, I think this is part of bringing her to your city, you have to be forthright and honest with her, it's only fair.

She just called twice. I feel guilty not answering but all I can think is that she wants something or wants to cry about something or to ask me to drive 3 hours to bring her makeup to her.

The simple answer is NO. No further explanations are needed. This question needs to be closed to further comments. There are 175 too lengthy answers. No is a complete answer.

Reading you hold down 3 jobs, school, sick dog and Mom, there is no way someone should assume you can care for Aunt to. You have to stand firm because you don't have a minute to spare.

Good for not answering Aunts calls. You may just have to ghost her for a while to force her to rely on someone else. And Xena saying Aunt will wear Mom down...its your house right. So Mom cannot allow Aunt to live there.

Hope you keep this thread going. Want to hear how it ends.

EN, I can so recall in grad school being told that many of us would hold several jobs at a time, and not to let our blue collar relatives make it an issue. It's the norm in most places for SW to have several workplaces.

Your Aunt needs more support that is currently available to her. Even loving children (and I hope I was that) can't always provide the level of care a parent or relative needs.

I will always recall my very loving, but practical SIL saying, after my mom was dxed with dementia and was delusional, " I always thought mom would come to live with us, but not if she's crazy."

I knew exactly what she meant. I couldn't care for mom (no space, NYC healthcare options would not be good, isolation from the rest of family) but my SIL's very clear thought process laid it out for all of us.

EN, I just want to tell you what to expect.
Your aunt is going to come down HARD on your mom. She will pull every trick in the book - guilt, manipulation, bullying, more guilt, etc., all in an attempt to get your mom to agree to let her live with you guys and take care of her.
You need to mentally prepare yourself for some antics. That crawling in the street business was mild compared to what is probably to come. You have many things on your plate to occupy your mind. Auntie thinks of NOTHING BUT THIS! She is plotting and planning.
She is going to dig deep.

I had a sort of similar situation with an aunt, whom I loved dearly, trying to manipulate me into staying with her at night, in addition to the bazillions of things I did for her during the day, every day. There was major push back when I kept my boundaries firmly in place.

"I have 3 jobs, I take care of my mom, I have a dog with health problems and I just went back to school. I am sleep deprived and time deprived."

Yikes! (WHY????? I know....none of my business.)

It's definitely something I wouldn't do. One full-time job would be enough. I wouldn't have a pet, and I definitely wouldn't be taking care of my elderly mother.

And of course I wouldn't be doing anything at all for a manipulative aunt.

EN, how many of the seven calls did you answer?

When are you going to spell out the new boundaries to her, and when not if she besieges them day after day what exactly are you going to do about it?

Does your mother know about the one phone call a week rule?

You couldn't leave her alone in her house in the middle of nowhere, huh. Pity.

This is how you tell your cousins "Your mom cannot live with us." Period.
No excuses, no or very limited explanations.
Of course she may try to convince you or your mom.
You must learn to feel OKAY about yourself having the decision making POWER to say NO. If you get swallowed up in a guilt trip or she wears you down, due to you not feeling secure enough in yourself / your decisions, you will regret it.
Say "No, this won't work out." I would be willing to brainstorm other alternative housing if this might help you out." You will likely be meant with silence as she'll be stunned. If she can't 'crack you,' she'll likely try to work on your mom - and perhaps turn your mom against you/r decision, creating discord between you and your mom.
* If you have difficulty setting boundaries, limited, feeling okay about saying NO, take time outs to re-center yourself. If you need to call a friend for support, do it.
* Write down reasons ahead of time so you do not have to rely on specifics when you might be emotionally / psychologically triggered. You can refer to your list. As well, make a list of 'affirmations,' and/or inspirational sayings that will support you when you start to feel overwhelmed or attacked.
* If / when in the throws of this 'discussion,' when you feel overwhelmed, STOP, LEAVE. Breathe, regroup. Tell her you are clear on your decision and willing to help her out to find other alternatives (and limit your time with this). People who are needy also NEED boundary setting.
Good luck. Gena.

She called me 7 times today, 4 of the times right in a row. Her psych hold will be up tomorrow. I dont see her agreeing to go to an assisted living and I dont think the hospital will go as far as to legally commit her. I think she will either try to leave when the hold is up or wait until the hospital discharges her.

I dont think her children have actually spoken to her, I think they are just talking to the doctor. So I think she will try to show up on my doorstep and guilt us into letting her stay here. I hope I am wrong. If she shows up here I will give her a ride back to her apartment and tell her we love her but we aren't able to have the level of involvement that she seems to want. We will have her over to dinner once a month and talk to her on the phone once a week. If she needs more than that or tries to cross those boundaries then we won't be able to have anything to do with her.
It's been so nice with her being gone these last few days, I feel like I can breath again.

"I get 5 hours of sleep per night during the week and I am done losing any sleep or time over this."

Only 5 hours of sleep? Why?

EN, Assisted Living might be too much help, and not the right kind.

My mom thrived in an Independent Living facility which served 3 meals a day, had activities and transportation. Best of all, there was a geriatrics doc and a geriatric psychiatrist who visited several times a week.

We had no idea that places like that existed. We were given great advice by a psychiatrist who talked to mom when she was hospitalized after being in AL for a week. He explained that she needed people around 24/7 and more social contact, but not assistance with ADLs. It sounds like your Aunt is at about the same place.

EN, I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a great job.

I pray that your Auntie gets the help she needs. She obviously has some very serious issues that only professional care can successfully treat.

Doing everything you have, has actually put her in the best position to receive that help.

As challenging as this is, you were absolutely correct to step in and help.

Well done!

I am glad I am not OP because after aunts last meltdown I would probably have caved out of guilt and started doing everything for aunt.

OP kudos for staying firm with your boundaries.

EB- what were the reactions from aunt's children when you talked /texted them?

I've been thinking about my aunt and her life, she was very pretty when she was young and seemed to think this entitled her to special treatment. I think aging was really hard on her and the fact that looks don't really matter anymore. She takes two hours to get ready before she'll leave the house. She really seemed to find her own value in men finding her attractive. She actually originally met her husband because he was married to her best friend. She denies they were involved while he was married. A lot of her anger and sadness could be coming from realizing that she is just like everyone else and that she can't get people to do what she wants just by smiling at them.

I have worked with some very bitter elderly people and some who were extremely kind and positive. The kind ones had wonderful attitudes and were grateful for their lives, they didn't spend their time focused on how they thought things should been or how others treated them, they just went on about their lives.

OMG, I can't believe she did that.

Just give all your cousins ph#s to the SW. Even if they are mad at her, someone has to give permission to place her. Get to her financials. Easier for a child then a niece. Cousins get her set up, then they do not have to do anything else. Its up to them if they want the State to take over her care.

Once the SW contacts her children, you can step out of the picture. If its felt she needs to be in 24/7 care and her kids don't want to be involved, then its all up to the SW. Just say sorry I am not getting involved any more than I have. I care for my Mom and work f/t. I cannot care for this woman any more than I have. She has kids and siblings that can help her.

Go on your vacation and forget what is going on.

It sounds like the OP was forced to move aunt to her city because mom made her.

It does not sound like there were any discissions with aunt regarding expectations etc before she moved near them.

I really feel sad for the aunt at this point especially if no real conversations happened between all three of them.

The ER sent her to a different hospital? Psych place?

"I don't think she was injured at all, the doctor said it sounded like a panic attack."

Are you on the HIPAA forms? If not, then why did the doctor discuss her condition with you?

It will be interesting to see how she gets back to her apartment after release from the hospital...

Since Aunt is competent, I'm curious about what happens if/when she tells them that it's fine to discharge her home because she has you, her SW niece standing by to be her helper.

I'm wondering if you should make it clear in writing to the discharge folks that Aunt is not able to reach out for you for support and that you will NOT be stepping in.

EN- Now that aunt's children are aware of her status, refer everyone to them. This is the perfect time to STEP AWAY.

This must be very hard on your mom.

How soon is that vacation?

I have a feeling this thread is going to end up with at least 1,000 posts before this adventure is over.

EN, I'm very sorry to tell you this, but your story is only beginning.

Crawling across the street? C'mon. How drama queen-esque can you get? You mean like on her hands and knees?

Had she fallen?

This is going to get tricky, isn't it.

You are concerned about your aunt, but also irritated.

Well, you're going to have to stop being concerned about her. Because either you are not involved, in which case you will be given no information about what is happening, in which case you will have no idea what you're actually dealing with. Or...

The fact is that you have already involved yourself. I agree that you can't have people wandering into your office to discuss family members, lunatic or otherwise; but the fact that the apartment manager knew where to find you and was able to wander in indicates that there is some sort of professional network underlying what you've been able to accomplish so far.

How can you formally hand her over to somebody competent?

EN, would it be a good idea to give the hospital one child's number (pick a child, any child, for any standard reason - oldest, lives closest to previous address, whatever) and let them do the informing?

So I had a little surprise near the end of my work day. The apartment manager from my aunt's building came to find me and tell me that aunt had been taken by ambulance to the hospital, someone called the police when they saw her crawling across the street. I called the hospital and filled them in on what's been going on with her family, that she's diabetic, hasn't been taking care of it, that she's downing Ativan. I called my mom to tell her and she had gotten off the phone with my aunt about an hour earlier and my aunt had been trying to convince her to take her to a city where one of her daughters live, about six hours away. The daughter also had no idea that aunt was trying to do this. My mom told her maybe she could take a bus and aunt said she couldn't do that. Aunt had also made some statements to my mom like 'I can't go on like this'. I filled the doctor in on all off this and that we had concerns aunt may be suicidal. The doctor said she'd order a psych consult once they had cleared her medically and that they thought she had maybe had an anxiety attack. Aunt was also not sharing much information with them and very close mouthed.

They tried to get me to come in to the hospital to sit with her but I used to work at this hospital and I know that they would try to get me to assume responsibility for her. I would like for her to be psychiatrically placed but I'm not sure what they will ultimately do, this was about six hours ago and I haven't heard anything since. I did text her kids and let them know what happened.

I am concerned but also irritated. She has two walkers, both that she can move around easily, no reason for her to be crawling. She was alert and oriented when talking to my mom shortly before this so it wasn't a confusion sort of thing. She is sharp enough that she denied being suicidal to the hospital staff and also didn't share how her husband died. So she doesn't want to be held on a psych hold which leads me to the conclusion this is an attempt at manipulation.

Furthermore, I will not stand for this shit affecting my job. I do not people coming into my job to tell me about my (and I feel bad for saying this) lunatic aunt.

EN, If you’re aunt doesn’t start being independent, redirect your conversation toward her going to a home. Aunt will hate that, but that’s what you’d be doing if this was a matter of cannot vs will not.

My mom has been feeling very worn out as well and kind of goes between being angry at my aunt and feeling sorry for her. Last night she called several of my cousins and reamed them out over the phone for not helping to take care of their mom. They both ended up hanging up on her. My aunt called last night and was acting like she couldn't figure out how to plug in her computer or where the cord for it was or if it was the right cord, etc. I don't know what's going on with that, I am sure she has plugged her computer in before. Maybe she's taking so much Ativan that she's confused? She also smokes pot occasionally at night so I suppose that could be part of it too.