OK, some call it sundowners and some say it's manipulation. In the evening mother begins screaming and being uncooperative with caregivers for eating, meds, changing underwear and putting on pajamas. I often think that it is by that time she realizes I'm not coming over which is what she really wants, and when I get there she is full of smiles and apologies for any bad behavior or says she didn't do it or didn't mean it. Is there a medicine for this? Thanks.
Cheryl
Do you want to go there every night to keep this from happening? Or do you want to set a firm boundary and have specific nights off? If you want nights off, you're going to have to set a firm limit. Maybe make a schedule? Tell her, tell the caregivers which days that week you will and will not be there. Then, hard part, you'd have to stick with it.
The caregivers would have to be on board with whatever plan you make to help you enact this.
Most of the things she is refusing to do might not be the end of the world. When she's hungry, she'll eat. Won't put on PJs? It won't hurt her to sleep in her clothes. Maybe after a few days of this, she'll get into the new routine?
Medicine for this? I don't really think so unless she is totally uncontrollable and unsafe. OTOH, maybe that is something to ask her doc about. Maybe in the late afternoon, BEFORE she starts getting difficult?
Maybe you could also call her at that time frame and explain (for example) that you are not coming tonight but are coming tomorrow night. Calmly state the facts, calmly say you are getting off the phone and do it.
It doesn't matter if it's dementia or if it's her being manipulative. Here's why: your LO is in good hands and she's safe! Trust yourself and the decisions you've made with regard to hiring her caregiver or placing her in an ALF or SNF.
I would not listen to my husband and his sister; they tried to tell me to not exhaust myself by running every time she called. The result? Exhaustion, too much wine and 15 extra pounds. I was turning bitter and angry by the hour. I am doing better now.
Don't train your LO into thinking you will drop everything to go running when she/he calls. Lovingly tell her that she/he is safe and that it's okay to have the caregiver administer pills, make the bed, give a bath, etc. Remind her/him that you were just there and you'll be back very soon. Be firm and loving.
PACE yourself for a marathon. I didn't. I sprinted thinking it would never last as long as it has. She's been discharged from Hospice TWICE! I think she has 19 lives! LOL
I beg you: put yourself first so you can stay happy and healthy for the long haul. (The old adage: put the airline mask over yourself before applying it to your child child may should like a cliche, but it's not!
Breathe. Nurture yourself. Trust your self. Good Luck!
Best of luck!!
(I suspect that a lot of people diagnosed with dementia actually don't have it - based on personal experience.
My mom behaved badly before. What we knew to be normal behavior, the doctor and nursing home called "dementia". It was frustrating to deal with them and her as a result; they did not hold her accountable for her bad behavior when they needed to; she got a pass because they saw it as "dementia". )
Regarding "sundowning" - I don't think being more upset at night is a sign of anything but "normal" - most people notice that problems seem bigger at night. It's really not an age or dementia related problem.
I do feel sorry for my MIL, and have sacrificed a great deal in the past couple of years for her, visiting regularly and cleaning for her, taking her out to eat, etc. But I have the nagging sense that she would NOT do the same for me if I were in need. I know my husband loves her and wants to help, but he basically feels the same way. She has had a pretty hard life, and has been basically emotionally absent to him (and to her other sons and all her grandkids) since my husband was a child.
My husband and I have been married over 30 years and fortunately have a great relationship, and now we and one other relative are all she's got. It's very hard, but setting clear limits/expectations has worked well for both of us and been good for our marriage. Taking care of cantankerous old folks is just NOT for the faint of heart!!
You all have been nothing but total comfort and fabulous information and sharing for me
I have downloaded many of these posts and kept them because they have been comfort and good information
I am a 24/7 caregiver for my brother with Parkinson’s and dementia (as well as a gotta have tha last word narcissistic personality)
and, you can imagine what it’s like to live with a [younger] sibling telling you what to do!! And a ‘girl’ telling the ‘boy’ what to do! Especially from our generation
he has lost most of his livlihood, and ability to do all the stuff he loved to do, and I live daily trying to keep some kind of life happening. This doesn’t work, agreed? You can only do certain stuff before it feels like an alien taking over your life(for him), no matter what your best intentions are.
This is one if the best threads I have read...
thank you all
and strength, peace, and comfort to all....caregiver and the one given care
i guess the most important thing is to know there is love
christine
Its a constant battle no matter what you do. It’s like a child who is throwing a tantrum. They are demanding, manipulative, mean, lie, and just conseal your life.
If you would life more information on what i did please email me
easawyer1969@gmail.com
He is very happy now.