How to you cope with the really mean things people say when they have dementia?

Monday was my mother’s birthday.

I brought her a bunch of treats.

When I went to put the treats down on her table, she got upset, saying, “Don’t put them down! Don’t put them down! Take them AWAY!”

”Mom, do you want me to just take away everything I brought over for your birthday?”

”Yes! Yes!”

The daughter in me was hurt. I just wanted to cry.

I hate dementia. It’s like my mother is some kind of weird, zombie person, who just spews garbage and says hurtful things.

When I’m done feeling hurt about the zombie person I’m visiting, I try and remember that suggestion I read here, about thinking about the person as “a client”.

Gotta check on my client once a week.

Gotta see if my client is healthy.

Gotta make sure that my client is being treated right.

My CLIENT. Not my mom. My mom is long gone.

I feel that it’s not only the dementia talking but what’s in their subconscious.

I kept my contact with mom limited when she started saying very vile and hurtful things to me as her dementia progressed. Its easy to say "ignore it" or "it's the disease talking", but there were many instances I felt my mother meant every word she said! There was a gleam in her eye. Like she KNEW the words she was about to utter would stab me in the heart. Perhaps as revenge for not being all she had hoped for in a daughter, I don't know. I do know her words cut like a knife, so I avoided spending too much time with her. I'd leave her presence or hang up the phone when the ugliness got going, too.

I was in therapy as a young woman for mommy issues. Know what I learned after spending several thousand dollars?

"You'll never be friends with your mother."

Ya think? 🙄

Things only got worse with dementia and stayed that way until it became SO advanced that she mellowed out a bit.

I consider my mother’s dementia to be advanced as she is bedridden, barely moves, doesn’t do anything for herself, is incontinent, thinks her parents are alive, has rewritten her history, and time travels from age 20 to being old. She is still very articulate.

I had an almost 2 year reprieve from her hateful comments as she’d even argue with the home’s staff that I was not her daughter. So she was civil. Imagine my shock when she recognized me and my husband 5 months ago. She made that contorted face she used on me as a child and spit venom. My husband was shocked (as was the staff) at her insults. Frankly, I was relieved to have witnesses. I felt like I was a little kid again, being chastised for never understanding her and ruining her life. She was lovely to my cousins who visited a few days later.

My visits are now shorter and less frequent (monthly). She didn’t seem to recognize me the last time.

Her hateful words hurt when I was a little kid and they still hurt. Only now I understand that I can never win her over and she will never change.

I do know what you mean. My aunt told me I was out of her will because I stepped down from POA. I still try to call her to check on her, but she either doesn't answer or return my calls. I had sent some of her favorite food to her and she said it was just ok.
Yes, it hurts your feelings. I don't have advice except what people have told me. It's the dementia and not them. I believe it's both. I do understand how you feel. It's got to be especially tough, since it's your dad.

With momma I had to limit my contact with her. Also my husband and I don't drive over and see her as much. All of it was affecting my physical and mental health. I don't call as much. Once every 7 to 10 days or longer. Never more than 2 weeks though. She is in assisted living and her golden child now does most of the caregiving. When something major comes up I step in. She has some dementia and she is a narcissistic. I am her punching bag. I always felt like something was not right with her when I was growing up in the house. There was four kids. Dad traveled alot for his job so there was momma. I stayed in my room alot and now I know why. Don't get me wrong I love her but I had to protect myself. I was miserable. Either mad, sad, crying or other. When my blood pressure showed 230 over 170 in the drs office one day and I am now prediabetic I backed out of some of it. Been doing it for over 13 years with no help and live out of state.

I will echo everyone else’s comments. Great responses from all who posted.

You know that you cannot change his behavior but you can change your reaction to it.

Lots of things are irritating in life. Some of us are more emotional than others and feel things more deeply.

We have to learn to look at them differently and develop a tough skin.

Personally, I think the older we get the less we care about other people’s behavior.

Look at the entire picture and place things into perspective. Then we can accomplish not caring as much about what other people do.

Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.

Windy (((hugs))).

I am fortunate that my mom with dementia was never like this.

My uncle (who I believe had other mental problems related to his service in WWII) was EXACTLY like this. My cousin used to say she never knew which dad she was going to see when she visited.

Limit contact. Lower (or get rid of) any expectations of a meaningful relationship. The saddest folks on this board are those adult children with mentally ill abusive parents who are still seeking love and approval. It's never going to happen.

Are you still pursuing guardianship or have you determined that it would be better for dad to have a professional guardian?

There's a good website - outofthefog.com that you might want to look at

Keep telling yourself its the disease. I can imagine the anxiety this causes. But you do need to realize that this man was never a father to you. You owe him nothing. This is that "what goes around comes around" thing. You have to give of yourself to get back in return. You Dad never did this, so he cannot expect in return.

You just continue what you are doing, block him. Maybe you will need to go "no contact" completely. I so hope the State steps in. Then you know Dad is getting the care he needs and you can back off.

Windy, I also had an ‘access daddy’, who was often overseas. Yours often didn’t show up. Both nasty. My suggestion is to view him as an interesting relation that you keep track of. NOT a daddy. NOT an OK person who is affected by a disease and for whom you should feel sorry. Just nasty. Mine used access rights to annoy my mother. It wasn’t love for me or my sister. There was no love to return to him.