Had my first experience with my husband exploding in anger because I need to enforce a care restriction that involves protecting my well-being. Background is that I'm 73 caring for my soon-to-be 85-year-old husband. Those of you who post here have undoubtedly read some of my posts related to his multiple illness and diagnoses: hereditary amyloidosis, peripheral neuropathy, cardiac amyloidosis, carpal tunnel, and recently dementia (Alzheimer’s and small vessel ischemic disease.)
I have been giving him his showers, but was recently told to stop and to get home care to come in. Having osteoporosis, some spondyloses in my back (two spinal surgeries), degenerative disc disease, and arthritis, my husband's care team has determined it's not safe for me to continue doing this. Hubby woke up this morning telling me if I didn't want to give him his showers, I should leave. He wanted me out of the house, and he would divorce me. It was obvious I didn't love him, and I couldn't honor my marriage vows.
Even knowing you can't engage with a dementia patient; it was my first experience with this. So, I did try several times before I acknowledged it would go nowhere and left the room. I'm waiting for a callback from the therapist to get some idea of what to do. Never seen hubby like this and I'm not sure what he might do. He wasn't violent, just argumentative, loud, and unreasonable. I am anxious and walking on eggshells a bit.
Has anyone had similar exchanges with their spouse? How did you handle them? I think I need something like 'scripts' to use if this continues. Like how to respond and what to say.
The therapist texted me to let me know she couldn't respond right that minute and sent me links to a couple Teepa Snow videos to try and keep me occupied while I'm waiting. I'm trying to tell myself it's not 'him, it's the disease', but it hurts and I'm just a little unsettled.
Walking on eggshells isn't good for YOU, so I wouldn't do that. I think that I would make myself busy with my own activities and away from the home when the caregivers are around.
It may not be him of the past, however, it is the new him for today, tomorrow who knows he may be 100% worse.
Take care of you!
So the best thing you can now do for yourself, is to educate yourself on the disease of dementia. Like your therapist recommended Teepa Snow is a dementia expert and has lots of great videos on YouTube along with several really good books as well. The book The 36 Hour Day is another good read in helping you to understand the world of dementia.
You shouldn't have to "walk on egg shells" in your own home, so I think the more knowledge you have about the disease, the more equipped you will be when these incidences arise, as knowledge is power.
If at any time his anger really frightens you or you feel threatened in anyway, please don't hesitate to call 911 and report him. They will take him to the hospital for evaluation and if needed help you find the appropriate facility to place him in.
Stay strong and educate yourself and remember that it's not him, it is the disease.
God bless you.