How do you deal with being a family caregiver?

:)

Thanks, JessieBelle and StaceyB. Yes, it was an expression of condemnation for not feeling the way a daughter is "supposed to" feel, or at least for saying it outright. The truth is, nobody likes my mother, except people who don't know her very well. That's one of the reasons why none of my siblings are rushing in to help her. Someone has to help her, I agree. But IMO nobody has to like it.

Yup, in the same boat as both CarlCB and Jessie, and nobody knows exactly what we have given up in the MANY YEARS we have given up, to care for our LO'S, and it SUCKS!
People have no right to heap their Judgement on other's, until the've walked a Mile in Our Shoe's! Great idea's and Suggestions from both of you, BTW!

Oh yeah, Sweetevelyn attacked me on my homepage too! Maybe she's not so sweet!

.To all the family caregivers that complain on this site. Do your family a favor and get someone else to care for them. They would be better off!! Lots of bad advice form others. Lots a hostility toward their loved ones. I feel sorry for you all. Hope you are treated better when you need help. I am leaving this site because I think most of you have mental health issues and you could use professional help!

BYE-BYE FELICIA! Hope you find a support group that works for you!

We all have mental problems sweetevelyn. It's the great equalizer.

:)

Sendme2help: A little more on your "I can't possibly do that." When the person you're talking to asks why, you can say "oh, I forgot why!"

:)

"Can I get back to you on that?"

Lol Llama.

Send: Oh, yes! Do so!

sweetevelyn: Try to be less acrimonious.

You know, I really thought about all this on this holiday. Today I have really been aware of how alone we are here. It is just my mother and me. No one called or came by to see her or me. I was the only person she had to talk to. She talks about children almost all the time or the neighbor across the street. I don't know if anyone can understand how difficult it is to listen to someone with dementia talk about children they used to tend in the daycare. She talks about what they did and what their parents said. She talks about things she did long ago, telling the same stories again and again for seven years.

Now to hear someone come into a caregiver group and criticize, saying to ask someone else to do what we do, is hard to hear. It's not like people are lined up to help. The truth is if they care, they don't show it at all. I would absolutely love it if someone did take over for a while.

I do believe that caregivers can become mentally ill from all the stress. It goes with the territory. Many of us who were sane when we come in lose our grip on reality when dealing with someone with dementia. It bothers me when someone accuses us of complaining and being mentally ill. If we can't complain here, where can we complain. And personally I am as crazy as a bessie bug now because I've been caregiving too long without anyone else that cares.

Complaint over.

Dear JessieBelle: You are NEVER alone! You've got all of us here to talk to! Best wishes, llamalover47, aka, Nancy

.. Jessie belle ... I don't know how old u are, and it matters not .. but your wording / situation sounds allot like mine, and I do mean allot. Who ever this person is who is going beind the scenes and insulting and bashing is a coward.. and I would put money on it that' "she does not actually care for an elder 24/7.... she's most likely a dead beat sibling. Or at the most a do-drop-in family member of an elder.... because never would a person experiencing the real deal would ever say such.

It's not we who are crazy, JessieBelle. People like sweetevelyn are just not open to seeing reality as it is. That's why they lash out when it's presented to them, and try to call other people crazy.

Lots of people want to romanticize caregiving, for different reasons. For some, it truly is rewarding and labor of love, and they can't understand anyone feeling differently. But mostly I think it's folks who want to keep everyone in line with the expectation that you do everything and make every sacrifice to help elderly/disabled family members. These are mostly people who fear being cast aside by their own families in their hour of need, and want to make sure that nobody out there is going to say that that's permissible under any circumstances.

The friend I dumped for telling me "It's just what you do." is in that camp, I think. She has one son she's doted on and sacrificed for when he was growing up, and he's shown very little sign of wanting to return the favor. She needs to hold to the idea that we are obligated to take care of our parents at all costs (and no, she didn't do it for hers, as they both died young). So, when I started to chafe under my mother's incessant demands, my best friend turned overnight from being my biggest champion in life to being my harshest critic, and gave zero support when I needed it most. Thank god I have all of you to talk to! I'm so grateful for the understanding and support!

.... correct carlaCB.. I am new to this blog site (or what ever its platform) I don't "know any of you, and as of now (knock on wood) i personally own no phychological damage or issue due to what Ive been having to contend with. So in that sense I agree not all caregivers have mental problems, and my guess is very few do) other than any in the moment and circumstantial feelings of dread or circumstantial depressions and or thoughts of hopelessness and imprisonment, etc. which by the way would all disappear from those owning them "if they placed the elder and stopped the situation. Which is what I'm in process of. But it's taken months. So although Ive been caring for my mother for years, it's just these past months that her dementia has risen to a point that I no longer am willing to do even another day of care... but I am, and will until a place is found that will suit her needs. My mother was wrongfully evicted from her senior care apartment facility (yes a law suit is pending) ...she had no where to go and placement was impossible to occur within days .. I at that point stopped trusting facilities not only because of the eviction but also because of all things that happened to her while there. She's declined mentally since... many factors make placement difficult. Income meaning hers is limited and then mine can no longer carry the gross costs of facility care, this ride Ive been on with her has destroyed my finances, my business, etc... Also, to use a Medicare waiver program most all facilities require 2 year private pay before they allow the waiver to even kick in (which should be against the law) .. so state facilities are being reviewed (and not pleased at any one of them as of yet) ... anyway, without going further into detail, and I also agree blog sites as this are good, the genuine answer to the nightmares ending for many full time caregiving individuals is placement of the elder, and the people who know this and are feeling the realities of it, need to do exactly that to save themselves. Period.

SweetEvelyn,,
The one quality, again quality, that most of the people you have so nastily labeled and said really hurtful things about all have 1 thing in common
EMPATHY. They feel in their hearts for the person they are trying to allow to age in place often taking great toll to them, their families and their own mental health. Each pf these people could make 1 phone call to Social Service and quit. That person would be in a Nursing Home before dark. You belittled and insulted us and owe us 2 things...share your caregiving experience. Maybe we might learn something. And an apology. Your tirade was uncalled for, unfair and mean. I hope you will stay aboard and play nice. Look for the book "Elder Rage" or "Take my Father, Please!" Michelle

...the name she chose "sweetEvelyn".. seems she was a tad self-generous ... perhaps "not-so-sweetEvelyn" would have been a more accurate selection ~ In closing one needs to remember that those who attack out of line by saying things as she did, usually own the actual behaviors they accuse others of such as, i.e, "mental instabilities, etc.

.... how many people has this person attacked on their pages... she just did on mine. I would appreciate any admins to do something about this "sweetevelyn and quickly before I speak to my attorney regarding this.

I have "reported her comment on this thread and also reported her comment she left on my profile ... yet when I go to her profile page it's locked down like Fort Knox ... I will say this if indeed it is a "she, she needs to be barred beings how she's able to go to all others pages and cause defamation at her will with her public messages without leaving her page open to anyone to reach her, etc. ... aka "sweetEvelyn you had better end your defamation rampage or someone can seek your identity to take further legal action.

Tired1of4, this SE's person and her page has been dismantled by the AC Administration. Like I said, Bye Felicia! That kind of behavior doesn't fair well around here! Good Riddance!

I thought your responses to the O-Poster was spot on, and brilliant! Thanks for your input!

Michael0503 sure got a taste of the full spectrum here!

Wow I did not realize that my questions would gather so many answers. It took me awhile to read all of the comments and I can say for sure JessiBelle and Tired1of4 have really hit the mark with their observation.

Tired1of4 - Yes my aunt does not work and she's never had a job for as long as I can remember. She was also taken care of either by boyfriends, friends and family. So she lives off of Grandpa's income. That is correct. If grandpa were to pass away I don't know what would happen to her or how she would live or how she will get money. All I can say about that is she chose this life and I feel as if she's trying to take me down with her.Grandpa's wishes were to take he and my grandma back to their homeland and live there til they die. However, from what I have been told is that she refused to let him go there for unknown reasons and now she's got herself in this situation and doesn't see an exit. I believe that is part of the reason why my father does not come around to help them. I also found out recently without my permission that if anything happens to her, grandpa's responsibility will fall onto me. I don't know how to feel about that and the thought of carrying such a burden has put me in a slight depressed state of mind. I'm torn between being a family man or living my life. I really don't want to carry this all on my own and it feels like she;s already done so.

JessiBelle - You are also very right in the way we're similar. Siblings don't understand and don't even attempt to help me out. All they can say is "damn I don't know how you can do it, I wouldn't be able to do that" and they just tell me that I need to leave. While I know that's what I need to do, I just don't know how to do it. The guilt trip she's put onto me is too deep. She also acts like we're in a relationship. I have to report to her at all times, when I am out, when am i coming home, you need to come home right now and help me. I can't enjoy being out without feeling guilty or thinking about them. She gets angry when I talk to people on the phone and gives me a hard hard time about everything. She knows how to drive but relies on me to drive her everywhere and her excuse would be "you're a better driver". She's just really impossible to live with.

To get back on the original topic. How can she get money when technically she has an income from my grandfather? I'm trying to push for hospice care since I can't keep on going like this. I'm not shelling out more money to her either. Grandpa is not a VA so he does not qualify for VA assistance. I've looked into things like the IHSS but our situation is a bit unique.

It's a very tough situation. People can say what they would do in a circumstance, but it is a lot easier to say than to do. Your aunt sounds like a dependent and a self-serving person. She is older than you and should know that what she is doing is not right. I doubt that she was caregiving at your age. I do wonder how you'll be able to break free of her. When your grandfather is alive, you'll be helping her there. When he is gone, she won't have any retirement money, so I have a feeling she may continue to depend on you -- almost like being married to your aunt. I know that is distasteful.

There are ways to break away, but they are going to be painful. I wish she had someone else in her life so she wouldn't depend on you so much. In your position, I would be gone as much as I could. If she tries to bully you, have some excuses ready so you can get her to back off.

You seem to have a big heart. Family is supposed to protect the younger people, but there are some who will use them. I hope you can find away to let her know that she is not the boss of you. She needs to stand on her own feet, instead of on yours. I wouldn't let her dependency take away your dreams of what you want. You don't owe her that.

Michael ....from what youve written, there's no question you're already very aware of the difference between the serious need of help, and manipulation. From what youve said, she's never worked, relies on others, etc, sounds as she's a pro. The fact that she's given years of care to your grandpa is to be respected, but that's it. There's no reason she could ever give you good enough to explain why you're still there, why she makes you feel guilty if your not there, why she asks for money, why she allows herself to take advantage ... and Michael there's no excuse she could ever offer as to why she's confusing her perspective of who you are and what your intentions we're to "help for a while, yet it sounds as if she's become lost in her own thoughts and has lost complete track of the reality and rationale' of the entire situation. So you've learned some unpleasant things, some you really can't do anything about, except the one about someone placing you as his what? Power of attorney? if she passes? She's too young to ever worry about that (curious, is she his power of attorney?) and perhaps you don't realize, Michael you can refuse anything someone has taken upon themselves to place upon you such as that. Now, executor of a will, etc, those things should be thought about.. but I'm talking power of attorney if that's what youve found out you will be in her demise. And so what, by the time she passes your grandfather will have already passed. You seem pretty damn torn on how to break away... and at this point I'd have to ask why. You're clear of what's going on, it's clear that she's using you to take pressures off her, so what's the confusion about? One thing I found interesting is how you put "I'm torn between do I be a family man or go on my own" ... Michael you staying is not being a family man.... you starting your own life to be a "family man" for your own immediate future family is the only way to be one .. you staying is not being a family man any longer (I hate to use psycho-babble terms but I have to here) if u stay knowing all you do and being aware as you are, you then become (here comes the term) an enabler to your aunts issues. Really. I have a question Michael, did she do alright before you moved in, yes or no. And by that I mean basically ok. Closing statement, Michael you can make a phone call to an "office of aging" type dept in you're city or county, ask them if they offer any counciling for the aged and their care givers... if they do, if they have a dept that can come in and help your aunt plan for the next step for your grandfather, and help her move forward, that would instantly remove her focus of you being the only go-to for help and her controlling you will most likely end... make an appointment without telling her Michael, and you be there for the appointment. ....( I believe you would move on easier if you knew she had somewhere else to turn.)

Michael: Always know that we're here for you!

.....(and Michael I don't ever want to come off cold, and after I re-read what I wrote, yeah I can see some of what I said could seem that way) truth is, I want to continue to be soft & supporive with you, yet at the same time walk in there pack you up and take you out of there...all I can really say that's even left to say is ... "as soon as you make up your mind to be done, that's the time you'll find the process to do it. (But do it. Ttys.

Michael... is there an option to message you on here. I have a couple phone numbers in ur area to help u (actually, to help ur aunt which will ultimatly help u) .... let me know.

Tired1of4 - Hey no offense taken! I'm happy that you were straightforward with your reply. You asked why do I find myself torn between leaving and helping. The short answer is that my grandfather raised my siblings and myself when my parents divorced at a very young age. When my father was out and about messing around and not taking care of his kids my grandfather took care of us and that is debt I will always feel obligated to repay back even if he doesn't recognize who I am. That's really only the real reason why I'm enduring everything. I'm not sure if there is a Private Message system on this site so you can send me an email