I look at you all as kind understanding friends. My younger siblings have refused to let me take care of mom and moved her to youngest sister home, where they can use her money and not have the best care for mom. I have medical experience and can care for mom, they just want the money. Now they want me to give up my family and come live with them to do mom and their other chores. I love my mom but she never loved me, and now she has dementia. I cry every night thinking how sad her care is. I am to be at younger sister's beck and call every time they want a break and need time away from a dementia mother. She has seriously gone down hill since I took care of her for 6 weeks exactly one year ago. Hubby says I am being to sensitive. I feel caught in a tornado of emotions. Any advise would be appreciated.
What a painful situation, Oddsisterout. I don't think you're being too sensitive, but I'm not sure getting involved in what sounds like a not-great caregiving situation would be a good idea either.
Would you consider talking about this with a counselor, a pastor, a therapist, etc? Of course it's got to be devastating for you, a tornado of emotions as you say. I think it be worth the time and money talking about the whole thing in depth with a counselor.
No matter what you do for this thing called mother she will never give you the love and validation that you still so desperately desire. I would recommend that you get counseling to get over needing, wanting, desiring a mothers love. She doesn't have it to give.
If your siblings have control of the money tell them that you are not able to accommodate them and you recommend that they hire an aide or place mom in respite so they can enjoy their holidays without having to care for her. No is a complete sentence, you don't have to tell them anything about why you are not able to take care of her.
You deserve better than what your family is doing, only you can stop their crappy treatment of you.
They say that nobody can 'make you feel bad' but they can sure pile on the hurtful words and expect you to take it and turn the other cheek and take some more.
So, do you WANT to take care of mom in your home? Or does she make you feel unloved and miserable? I can't quite catch the tone here.
Once dementia has set in, it's best if you make fewer changes to the LO. Staying in one place, with one routine.
I never felt like my mom loved me either. I think there's a lot of us out there who feel that way. It is what it is--we have our reasons to believe that and if we choose to believe it, then we CAN. Sometimes it's much healthier to accept what we cannot change.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It's too bad your younger siblings are SO interested in 'money' that they can't concentrate on doing what's right for you, for your mother, and for all concerned. I understand why you're making yourself available to them when they want a break to vacation or whatever.........so you'll have another chance to care for your mom. It's sad that you've never felt love from her, too, the one who's given the MOST to her over the years. Isn't that sometimes the way?
You're not 'too sensitive' either. So tell DH that perhaps he'd understand how YOU feel if HE had a mother who never loved HIM! Humpfff. Tell him to put THAT in his pipe and smoke it.
And while you're at it, tell your good-for-nothing-greedy younger siblings that they should be ashamed of themselves for giving their mother such shoddy care and only being concerned with money. You know what they say about karma being a beatch and all that, right? :)
Wishing you all the best.
And believe me when I say, spending Moms money on anything but her, will cause a penalty if she ever needs Medicaid. Sister needs to have a caregiver agreement in place if she feels she needs to be paid. Also, if she is charging Mom rent, there needs to be an agreement. You can't use someone elses SS for anything but the person its for.
I saw a TV program years ago. It explained that an abused child is always trying to find a way for the abusive parent to love them. I would just tell sisters "sorry, I can't help. I tried and you took Mom out of my home. I have responsibility for my own family. Its really not fair that you ask me to give that up for a woman who abused me and made me feel unloved. If u need help, call Medicaid and see if Mom fits their criteria. May get an aide."
Its nice that you are compassionate but use that on someone who deserves it.
It’s never easy, is it? I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. Dementia is so upsetting on it’s own.
Dealing with feeling unloved is making it even harder. Add siblings to the mix it becomes a nightmare, doesn’t it? I feel your pain. I don’t have it easy with my siblings either.
In fact I look at them as strangers now. They simply don’t exist in my life anymore because it wasn’t worth the headache.
I hope that you will be able to find a solution to your troubles.
I agree with getting counseling to cope.
Those updates can be extremely toxic and manipulative. And, untrue or biased. Get a grip on your emotions by listening to less updates.
Go by what you actually see or hear from professional caregivers.
If there are real actionable concerns, you can call APS.
I am absolutely useless when it is all being rehearsed in my head with emotional upsets and worry. I am standing by, keeping an eye out.
But you have a life to live with your family today. Take a day, do nothing. Find out what that feels like for you.
Yeah, I was feeling exactly like you are when I was dealing with my dad, I was floored with each new revelation and I couldn't believe that it was all real.
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