No. You are not being selfish. You are being honest and that’s a great place to start.
And it sounds like you and husband have a great relationship that you can discuss this issue of intimacy with one another.
Look up Dr Laura Berman. She used to be on Oprah back in the day as one of her regulars. She has a podcast called Uncovered by Dr Laura Berman. She has written many books.
Also Mayo Clinic has a great forum for Nueropathy. Many people post and share solutions. DH might find some help there for his pain.
Getting sex from someone outside your marriage because one of you can’t participate in such activities due to health reasons is flat out selfish and cruel.
The vows were ‘in sickness and in health’. Not ‘until one of you can’t have sex anymore and you’re horny.’ I don’t get why this is so difficult.
I understand that you miss the life you had with your husband before his medical issues.
I read your profile and I don’t think you are harboring any resentment towards him personally because you realize that none of this is his fault. You mentioned being depressed which is understandable.
Life can become stressful and depressing when we are caregivers to a spouse or parent. There are so many things that are completely beyond our control.
Since you are having problems adjusting to life without the partner that he once was, I would suggest that you speak to a therapist.
I feel that you will benefit greatly by talking about this intimate topic with a professional who will not judge your feelings.
A therapist will help you place things into perspective. Then you will be better prepared to make important decisions.
Buy a toy, that's how you can cope with your needs not being met. Or file for divorce and join Our Time online dating.
What if it were YOU in constant pain and your husband were writing this post? Adding to your pain and misery, making you feel even worse that you were in too much pain to satisfy his needs?
I have stage 4 cancer and have been incapacitated since January. I am EXTREMELY thankful my husband isn't reminding me of "his needs" all the time or his inability to cope with ME being sick. Instead, he's doing everything in his power to take care of me and our home. Thank God. It's what love does.
I belong to a Stage 4 Cancer group on Facebook. One poor woman was saying that her husband divorced her while she's fighting cancer bc she's unable to give him sex!
Agreed! I don’t understand this. It’s like some people think they’re going to die unless they don’t get it on whenever they want it.
The last thing I’d want to think about is getting some while my husband is in pain or suffering. And even if I wanted to, I would never consider asking him if it was okay for me to cheat.
I can’t imagine her husband being in pain, knowing his wife is with someone else while he’s alone.
Yes, in a sense you are being selfish. Your husband cannot control how and what he feels. It isn't all about you, nor is it all about him. It's a marriage, and there are ups and downs in all of them.
Pain generally doesn't mean we cannot hold someones hand, sit close, cuddle up with a blanket and a bowl of popcorn. But it does sometimes mean we just can't think of much BUT pain unless it is addressed.
So problem NUMBER ONE for you and hubby right now is not your need to be touched. We don't die of not being touched, and many a widow will be there to assure you of that. Problem number one is the physical pain your hubby is in.
Can you tell us a bit more about this pain. What is the diagnosis; what is the prognosis? What discussions have you had with his doctor? What has been tried? What has helped? They are trying low dose anti depressants now for some chronic pain; it can help with anxiety, depression, and other things as well. Improved mood may make him want to hold hands again some time.
I wish you both the best and am so sorry for his pain, and the loss of affection you are feeling.
I'm not sure what kind of validation you're looking for. How do you cope? You cope in way consistent with your personal values, the same way that the millions of widows and single women cope...
Your profile states that you've been married 36 years and that your husband is a good man. I'm sure 36 years ago when you took your wedding vows in sickness and health till death do us part, you didn't give either of those things much thought, and now here you are 36 years later and you're being put to the test. None of us know what we will have to face with our spouses as time goes by, but when you truly love someone we should face whatever comes our way bravely and with love and compassion, and take our wedding vows seriously. No one said that marriage was going to be easy, and this is just another test of your character and what you're made of, so stay strong and do what you know in your heart of hearts is the right thing to do. And God will help you this I know. My late husband had a massive stroke a year and a half after we were married at the age of 48 and I was 36. We were never able to make love after that and I like you missed the intimacy very much. It took a while for me to adjust to the way things were, but I knew that if the tables were reversed, my husband would have stood with me no matter what, so eventually I learned to just live without that part of my married life. And I have no regrets. We were married 26 years with my husband having many many health issues along the way due to his stroke and I stood by his side the entire time. It wasn't always easy, but with Gods help I was able to get through whatever came our way. And with Gods help you will be able to get through everything too. It won't be easy but when you truly love someone it can be done. May God bless you and keep you.
And it sounds like you and husband have a great relationship that you can discuss this issue of intimacy with one another.
Look up Dr Laura Berman. She used to be on Oprah back in the day as one of her regulars.
She has a podcast called Uncovered by Dr Laura Berman. She has written many books.
Also Mayo Clinic has a great forum for Nueropathy. Many people post and share solutions. DH might find some help there for his pain.
The vows were ‘in sickness and in health’. Not ‘until one of you can’t have sex anymore and you’re horny.’ I don’t get why this is so difficult.
I read your profile and I don’t think you are harboring any resentment towards him personally because you realize that none of this is his fault. You mentioned being depressed which is understandable.
Life can become stressful and depressing when we are caregivers to a spouse or parent. There are so many things that are completely beyond our control.
Since you are having problems adjusting to life without the partner that he once was, I would suggest that you speak to a therapist.
I feel that you will benefit greatly by talking about this intimate topic with a professional who will not judge your feelings.
A therapist will help you place things into perspective. Then you will be better prepared to make important decisions.
Best wishes to you and your husband.
What if it were YOU in constant pain and your husband were writing this post? Adding to your pain and misery, making you feel even worse that you were in too much pain to satisfy his needs?
I have stage 4 cancer and have been incapacitated since January. I am EXTREMELY thankful my husband isn't reminding me of "his needs" all the time or his inability to cope with ME being sick. Instead, he's doing everything in his power to take care of me and our home. Thank God. It's what love does.
I belong to a Stage 4 Cancer group on Facebook. One poor woman was saying that her husband divorced her while she's fighting cancer bc she's unable to give him sex!
What's your definition of love?
The last thing I’d want to think about is getting some while my husband is in pain or suffering. And even if I wanted to, I would never consider asking him if it was okay for me to cheat.
I can’t imagine her husband being in pain, knowing his wife is with someone else while he’s alone.
Your husband cannot control how and what he feels.
It isn't all about you, nor is it all about him. It's a marriage, and there are ups and downs in all of them.
Pain generally doesn't mean we cannot hold someones hand, sit close, cuddle up with a blanket and a bowl of popcorn. But it does sometimes mean we just can't think of much BUT pain unless it is addressed.
So problem NUMBER ONE for you and hubby right now is not your need to be touched. We don't die of not being touched, and many a widow will be there to assure you of that. Problem number one is the physical pain your hubby is in.
Can you tell us a bit more about this pain.
What is the diagnosis; what is the prognosis? What discussions have you had with his doctor? What has been tried? What has helped?
They are trying low dose anti depressants now for some chronic pain; it can help with anxiety, depression, and other things as well. Improved mood may make him want to hold hands again some time.
I wish you both the best and am so sorry for his pain, and the loss of affection you are feeling.
No one dies of not being touched.
I'm sure 36 years ago when you took your wedding vows in sickness and health till death do us part, you didn't give either of those things much thought, and now here you are 36 years later and you're being put to the test.
None of us know what we will have to face with our spouses as time goes by, but when you truly love someone we should face whatever comes our way bravely and with love and compassion, and take our wedding vows seriously.
No one said that marriage was going to be easy, and this is just another test of your character and what you're made of, so stay strong and do what you know in your heart of hearts is the right thing to do. And God will help you this I know.
My late husband had a massive stroke a year and a half after we were married at the age of 48 and I was 36. We were never able to make love after that and I like you missed the intimacy very much. It took a while for me to adjust to the way things were, but I knew that if the tables were reversed, my husband would have stood with me no matter what, so eventually I learned to just live without that part of my married life.
And I have no regrets. We were married 26 years with my husband having many many health issues along the way due to his stroke and I stood by his side the entire time.
It wasn't always easy, but with Gods help I was able to get through whatever came our way. And with Gods help you will be able to get through everything too. It won't be easy but when you truly love someone it can be done.
May God bless you and keep you.