She is healthy but will not listen to any suggestions. She argues every day and is very lonely. She only wants my husband to help with things and the guilt she gives him is unbelievable. We have difficulty going anywhere as she invites herself to go all the time. If we say "no" she belittles us into trying to get us to change our mind.
My husband's brother refuses to help. He has issues of his own. There is no other family.
She refuses any social services (companions, senior activities, etc.).
She believes we are lying to her, and keeping secrets every day, so my husband tells her everything. (I disagree) She wants to eat out everyday and gets upset if we say "no". If we eat out she complains about the service, food, cleanliness of the establishment.
She still drives, which we feel she should not. We are fearful she will have an accident. Her walking is very unbalanced, but refuses to discuss this with the DR. and refuses to allow my husband to talk to the DR.
She has hearing aids, she needs them, but makes excuses why she does not wear them. She has slight dementia, is paranoid, and has a lot of anxiety. Putting this all together makes life very difficult. Unfortunately (fortunately) my husband is retired, and she feels he should respond to her every beck and call. I know my husband loves his mother, but he does not like her.
Unfortunately my husband does not want to spend money or time on counseling.
Can anyone offer any suggestions?
She belittles you, you say, if she doesn't get her way? She can't belittle you if you walk away and refuse to listen to that mess, can she?
Limits and boundaries are the key to sanity in these situations. And the word NO. She doesn't like it? Too bad. Walk away if she starts. Every. single. Time. You MUST..
I wish you the best, I really do... I get it...
Do what's right and hold to your boundaries. When people advise that you start with subtlety and small steps with an NPD person it's clear they don't know what you're dealing with. These people unfortunately do not get it. A sledgehammer works best; that is about all they understand. Good luck.
Seems so often that, she says___, then I say___, then she answers with ___, & then I come back with ___. Its always the same thing. So if you change the script, & come back with a different reply, - it leaves them for a loop (at least temporarily). It takes practice. Plan ahead & rehearse your answers in your head. You might even want to write them down somewhere.
With us it was that Mom (who gets around better than I do), does not have dementia as of yet, can fix herself a simple meal, does her own personal care, etc, - but would not let us leave the house together (without her), not even for a quick run to the store or a meal out. "Something might happen to you, & then what would I do?", she'd say. Duh! The same thing you'd have done, had "something" happened to us, before you came to live with us!
Almost a year to the day that she came to live with us, Mom had minor surgery. A friend took her... it was the first time we got to go out to eat together in this year's time! So now, we just tell her something like, "hubby & I are going out for a while.. I've got the cell phone on me if you need me... we'll be back by 2... you've got the emergency numbers posted on your closet door". No option is given; here's how its going to be. and it's worked! In some things she just doesn't get to make a choice any more. End of story.
Another issue that's come up, is that she has told us kids to make major decisions for her, but then once they were made, she didn't like the fact that sis didn't give her the opportunity to have an input. Haven't had to yet.... but I've got that script already memorized, should it come up. If a major decision needs to be made, such as her going to a facility eventually, - I will narrow the choices down to 3 places that I have already checked out myself... let her visit them, & then give her the choice of one of them BUT WITH A DEADLINE: "I've got to have your decision by next Monday". Come Friday, I'll remind her that she's got to have a decision made by Monday, & if not, then on Tues, I WILL make the decision myself. Then do it!
Change the script, memorize it, & follow through.
Best wishes for you & your hubby in dealing with this. I know & totally understand!
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