My Husband would like me to place my mother, I am not ready for that. My mother is not easy to handle, but we have been doing well. I left my job to care for our child, and in 2017 my mother moved in with us when my father passed away and she was no longer able to stay in her apartment.

My husband wants her out, he wants his space, and has even pulled the he pays the bills card on me. How can I explain to my husband that I want to enjoy all the time my mother has left. I have tried to tell him this but he just does not get it. I do understand dementia is a handful, and thanks to the fact my husband is able to support us on his own income is helpful cause it allows me stay home. I wish for our child to get to know his grandmother in a place she is comfortable with not in a nursing home, he did not have the chance to know his grandfather I do not want to rob him of that.

My mother and our son to get along wonderfully, and my mother loves having him around. I do understand that this was not meant to be a forever thing, but I am not ready to send my mother away. I use to work in a Medicaid SNF I know the horrors that go on. My husband downplays the quality of care they are capable of provide. I could not live with myself if I did that to her knowing full well how they operate.

My family told me to tell him if he wants her out then he has to pay for her placement to a better quality place, but in truth MC is not really the best wherever you go and the cost associated with private care is insane. By no means am I burnt out. I used to do this for a living so I am better equipped to handle it. My husband is the one that is burned out. He wants his home back. My husband is not much of a people person and have never really meshed with my family.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to spend as much time as humanly possible with my mom and child? Having both of them around has been pure joy for me. Sure she is complicated show me a person with dementia that is not. I understand his feelings, but I do not think it is fair to have him tell me when it is time to place my mother. I get it he just wants it to be the three of us, but that is not how things are right now. I have told him we still have many years together we can make up for lost time, please find some enjoyment. Our son has a chance to spend time with his last living grandparent do not rob that from him.

He was not pleased by this, I get it might be heavy handed but that is what he is doing. I have seen it many times I know many families say their loved ones are doing great in MC, and sure some are. Though they are not around all day. My mother, hell no one deserves to die in such a place if the a family member is able to and willing to put in the work at home. I get it I can do this because of him, but even still that should not give him a reason to tell me how to care for my mother.

Please advise what should I say or do, we have tried to talk it out and he is hard stuck on this.

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"My family told me to tell him if he wants her out then he has to pay for her placement to a better quality place, "

Maybe it's time for someone else in your family to take her in?
Helpful Answer (26)

So, she can't be left alone. Meaning that you are "on duty" except when she's asleep.

By definition, you are thus neglecting your child and your husband.
Helpful Answer (25)
gladimhere Feb 2022
Is she abandoning the marriage? I think so.

Mom has been there five years. I think hubby has been more than patient and tolerant with this situation.
You've already made up your mind that your husband is wrong and you are right; that all facilities are horrible houses of horrors and that's that. Why are you asking advice from us when you've firmly entrenched yourself in the illusion that your mother comes first, and your marriage comes second?

I challenge you to put the shoe on the other foot; think about if this was your mother in law, your husband's mother who was suffering from dementia, living in your home and intruding on your privacy for 5 years already, taking up all of your husband's time and attention. And it was you begging him to place her so the two of you, together with your child, could have a normal family life once again. And he was the one who was throwing around wild stories about the horrors of managed care and how he didn't want his son 'robbed' of the opportunity to spend every waking moment with his last living grandparent. But you were feeling otherwise, and robbed of YOUR family time due to your mother in law and her ever-worsening dementia. How would YOU feel? Unheard and like you had no voice in your OWN HOME, I would imagine. Like your marriage came second to his mother, and you'd be correct.

No, he is not the one being 'heavy handed'.......YOU are.

When is enough enough? He's paying all the bills and you are saying that "he has even pulled the he pays the bills card on me." Unless he has a money tree in the backyard, he IS paying all the bills and with inflation being at an all time high, his point is valid. Sorry.

As far as 'your family told me to tell him if he wants her out then he has to pay for her placement to a better quality place', isn't that rich? What about THEY take their mother into THEIR home instead of YOUR husband footing the bill for her placement in a Memory Care ALF which you've already said isn't a great situation anyway?

My mother has lived in a wonderful Memory Care ALF for nearly 3 years now, and in regular AL for 5 years prior, and let me tell you something, she's getting MUCH better care THERE by a team of people working 24/7 than ONE person could EVER provide her in a house setting. Don't kid yourself. And don't put the burden of that cost on your husband either, it's not his burden to bear.

You're looking for justification that your 'my way or the highway' shtick is the proper way to go here, but you won't get it from me or most of us here on the forum; you're barking up the wrong tree I'm afraid. I'm sorry for your husband in this situation that he's married a woman who has no interest in his feelings whatsoever.

In a normal marriage, you'd accommodate your husband's wishes and arrange it so that you and your son would go visit your mother on a regular basis. Not only would she have a whole new social environment in the SNF, but she'd also get to see both of you on a regular basis, making it a win-win situation for ALL involved, not just you.
Helpful Answer (20)
lkdrymom Feb 2022
I agree with everything you said. The poor husband has supported the OPs decision for 5 years and her family of origin has the nerve to say he should pay for a facility too. How about another sibling take her for the next 5 years? Seems fair to me.
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Stuck, what you have is a marital problem, not a caregiving problem.

See a marriage counselor with your husband.
Helpful Answer (19)
Ledwards71 Feb 2022
Totally agree
What happens financially if hubby decides he is not going to live like this any longer? He works hard for his home and his family. He deserves to have a calm place at the end of the day. You are taking that from him.

Find a marriage counselor and a therapist for yourself.
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Nokonoko Feb 2022
My guess since they have a kid he will still be on the hook to support her.
He doesn't understand where you are coming from? WTH do you want from this man? 5 years he has supported you taking care of your mom at the expense of him having his home and privacy and you have the nerve to criticize him for wanting his home and family back?

I have to say, I am appalled at the number of LTC workers that come here and say how horrible they are. It's your job to make it not horrible and to provide care, yet you talk about the nightmare care. Think about the part you played in creating that environment for those poor people. I'd be worried about karma too.

If you don't prioritize your marriage, you will have your mom as long as you want. To bad for your husband that he married a selfish, self-centered female, he sounds like he deserves so much better then you.
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Sighopinion Feb 2022
Yes, it is extremely damaging to families to hear such views.
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Clearly you are a kind and wonderful person. Your mother is lucky to have such a caring daughter who wants to do right by her.
It's been five years though. How long is your husband supposed to sacrifice for your mother? How many years does his home have to double as a memory care facility for his MIL?
Your man and your child are the priorities here. There are beautiful MC and AL facilities.
Now, I've worked in elder homecare almost 25 years. Many of my clients had to go into facility placement. You having worked in a SNF yourself know how to guarantee someone gets good care. It's because the family comes around all the time. It's because they stay on admnistrators and nursing staff night and day to make sure. When my father was in an SNF after a stroke, I had to on several ocassions reduce some of the care staff to tears. I did not care. They were being paid enough to decently care for my father and they were going to. They knew my All-Seeing eye was everywhere at all times. I knew CNA's in his facility and if you take care of them, they help you out. It's not easy to have to be like that, but you'll do it for your mother the same as I did for my father.
It's time to place your mother. Your husband is growing to resent you and her. That's never good. I am my mother's caregiver. The constant neediness, gaslighting, manipulating, instigating, and her lifetime of mental illness gone untreated is pretty much what broke up my good marriage to my second husband. He was a good guy. Patient and very generous too. He couldn't deal with it anymore and we divorced. I live a lonely, impoverished life in my now elderly mother's house as her caregiver. I don't tolerate a second of abuse or ill behavior from her and she keeps it mostly in check because she's needy. She knows she'll be ignored and will get nothing from me if she starts up, but still it's not a good life. It's not a good life at all.
Please, don't let my life of lonely, isolated sadness become yours and it will if you don't place your mother soon. Your husband will go and rightly so because he knows he's not your priority. Your kid will get a lot of time with grandma, but he'll be growing up in a broken home because he won't have his dad living with him. Dad will be a guy he sees on weekends and summer vacations.
Your husband and son are more important than keeping your mother at your house. You can still be a good caregiver to her if she's placed. You become her advocate then.
Helpful Answer (15)
cherokeegrrl54 Feb 2022
Best answer yet!!
About adjusting to placement; my mom did.

She knew that there was no one who could give up a career to care for her.

She got that all 3 of us were a united front and couldn't be manipulated.

We consulted with geriatrics docs and geriatric psychiatrists about her extreme anxiety and got it medicated judiciously. My mother was not "sedated". She was calm.

Even with extreme aphasia from a stroke she said to me one day, after we'd had her taken via medical transport to an appointment: "That was fine. I used to be so worried. I figured, what could happen?"

(This was a woman who was hysterical after she took a gifted Limo ride to her sister's home, 30 minutes away).

I guess I just don't get why people insist on sacrificing their careers, marriages and children to their parents when there ARE options available. Kind of like not taking advantage of insulin.
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bundleofjoy Feb 2022
"I guess I just don't get why people insist on sacrificing their careers, marriages and children to their parents when there ARE options available. Kind of like not taking advantage of insulin."


seriously, these options aren't available everywhere in the world.
it's simply true: some parts of the world have bad facilities, some have good facilities.

even in the same city, you can have bad + good facilities.

there are varying degrees of good/bad facilities.

i happen to live somewhere, where - all - the facilities are awful.
(i'm not talking about my entire country)
(i mean, where i live)

so -- not everyone has these options.

fortunately, for my LOs, we can hire in-home care.
and in my particular case, even if the facilities would be wonderful, we'll keep my LOs home. my LOs are extremely happy waking up every day in their home.

if necessary, my LOs are willing to go to a facility. in our family, we all understand it can be necessary.


my point is just, that this "facility-option" is actually not always an option for everyone. depending on where you live, there might be absolutely - no - good facility. in such a case, if it's necessary to place your LO, then unfortunately they must go to a bad facility.
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My grandparents were immigrants from Greece. There were all sorts of living arrangements with their 4 sons. As they aged they lived in a small apartment in NY near 2 of those sons. My father lived in CA. My grandparents would come out and stay for several months at a time. They both cooked,wonderfully. They didn't drive. My grandfather would walk to buy some needed groceries. My grandmother made dishes he didn't. She cleaned,did laundry,darned socks. She babysat her grandchildren and later even her great grandchildren

After my grandfather died fairly suddenly at 79 my grandmother lived with one of those sons doing all I mentioned above despite her grief. She was 10 years younger.

After many years her health declined and a Greek AL facility was found for her. This was a wonderful place as everyone spoke the language. Sadly after a few years her health declined further and she could no longer walk. She was then placed in a NH facility. I visited her there and left crying each time but she simply needed too much care. She lived to be 98.

My point is that there are circumstances that make sense for an aged parent to live with family but there can come a time when the burden is too great. All your family's needs should be considered. It would be wonderful if each of us could simply pass in our sleep when the day to day life becomes so difficult that we wonder what is the point of all the suffering. Of vourse that is not the case and we must weigh the options that is best for all family members living together.

I learned so much from my grandmother. My mother was not overly maternal. She was a dancer and then she became depressed spending periods of time in bed which confused me. I have wonderful memories of living with my grandmother. I feel her qualities live on in me when I am around my grandchildren. Your husband and child are your future. With the background you mention perhaps you could find a facility you would find decent. It is wonderful you have housed your mother this long but perhaps it is time for a change.
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Debstarr53 Feb 2022
Your reply is a refreshing change from all the nasty comments. Op has a dilemma to figure out, for sure.
Your first priority is your immediate nuclear family, your husband and your son. You Mom has lived with you for 5 years. It is no longer working for your husband and he has asked that she be placed.
As to the rest of the family saying that HIS money should be used for this, they are out of this world full of nerve. That is nonsense.
I cannot know how strong your marriage is at this point. I think I would recommend you see a marriage counselor, a psychologist or a licensed social worker to work out some sort of agreement. You may be able to compromise on how much longer Mom will stay with you.
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