My Husband would like me to place my mother, I am not ready for that. My mother is not easy to handle, but we have been doing well. I left my job to care for our child, and in 2017 my mother moved in with us when my father passed away and she was no longer able to stay in her apartment.
My husband wants her out, he wants his space, and has even pulled the he pays the bills card on me. How can I explain to my husband that I want to enjoy all the time my mother has left. I have tried to tell him this but he just does not get it. I do understand dementia is a handful, and thanks to the fact my husband is able to support us on his own income is helpful cause it allows me stay home. I wish for our child to get to know his grandmother in a place she is comfortable with not in a nursing home, he did not have the chance to know his grandfather I do not want to rob him of that.
My mother and our son to get along wonderfully, and my mother loves having him around. I do understand that this was not meant to be a forever thing, but I am not ready to send my mother away. I use to work in a Medicaid SNF I know the horrors that go on. My husband downplays the quality of care they are capable of provide. I could not live with myself if I did that to her knowing full well how they operate.
My family told me to tell him if he wants her out then he has to pay for her placement to a better quality place, but in truth MC is not really the best wherever you go and the cost associated with private care is insane. By no means am I burnt out. I used to do this for a living so I am better equipped to handle it. My husband is the one that is burned out. He wants his home back. My husband is not much of a people person and have never really meshed with my family.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting to spend as much time as humanly possible with my mom and child? Having both of them around has been pure joy for me. Sure she is complicated show me a person with dementia that is not. I understand his feelings, but I do not think it is fair to have him tell me when it is time to place my mother. I get it he just wants it to be the three of us, but that is not how things are right now. I have told him we still have many years together we can make up for lost time, please find some enjoyment. Our son has a chance to spend time with his last living grandparent do not rob that from him.
He was not pleased by this, I get it might be heavy handed but that is what he is doing. I have seen it many times I know many families say their loved ones are doing great in MC, and sure some are. Though they are not around all day. My mother, hell no one deserves to die in such a place if the a family member is able to and willing to put in the work at home. I get it I can do this because of him, but even still that should not give him a reason to tell me how to care for my mother.
Please advise what should I say or do, we have tried to talk it out and he is hard stuck on this.
You KNOW what you want to do, and that is to KEEP YOUR MOTHER! Just do it!
Which would you regret worse; moving your mother away, then she dies or losing your husband, and it just be the three of you? You already know the answer.
Follow your heart. Less regret.
It's beautiful that your son is being taught what it's like to appreciate and care for a human being. Maybe when you get old, he won't put you away in a nursing home.
In other countries, that's the norm; elders live with the family. The children are taught to help care for their elderly grandparents including feeding them.
What's your husband going to do with you, should you get Alzheimer's?
What would you do with your husband, should he get Alzheimer's? Have you asked him what he wants you to do with him? Ask him. See what he says.
Grew up going to nursing homes (mom worked in them), and therefore worked in that field til I was 35. Can't stand them, and have prayed to God that I die first before ever having to go to one.
Whether state run or private, they are horrible, as you already know! I'm sure there are good ones, but a nursing home is only as good as the INDIVIDUAL caring for the patient - when they are alone with the patient.
A woman (and her siblings) have their mother in one of the BEST nursing homes in the state! And pay a ridiculous amount of money each month. Yet they are trying to figure out why their mother has bruises on her arm. The facility told them their mother fell out of her wheelchair (what?). The next incident was a bruise on her leg (what?)...
My mother was a horrible mother! I made excuses for her behavior, as you make for your husband. I was such a "mama's girl" that when I was in my 30's I prayed for God to take away my good fortune/blessings because it would always upset my mother. I know! How stupid of me! A few years ago, before bringing my mother to live with me, I asked God to forgive me for that.
I had stopped speaking to her for two years when my daughter called and said, "Your crazy sister is trying to put Granny into a nursing home..." I went and got my mother. Moved her in with me. Quit my job, and the rest is history. My three siblings don't help. Just me. 24/7. And yes it's hell, but I KNOW I'll get through this. I'm in my 60's, now.
At the age of 42, I began to realize that she's always been mentally ill: MASTER manipulator and a NARCISSISTIC psychopath/sociopath. I learned that mental illness is also a cause of Alzheimer's. Anyhoo, I now have all that in an 83 year old mother who still competes with me, "I'm only two years older than my daughter...", she tells a friend on the phone. She's also embarrassingly condescending to other elders & seniors, "I'm so glad that there's a place for you seniors to go and enjoy activities..." I don't hesitate to point out, "You're not only a senior, Mom, but an elder." She hates that, and admits that she hates that she's a senior/elder.
I think if we learn acceptance from an early age, maybe we wouldn't need drugs or alcohol to cope with life.
Life is too short. I think you may have written this letter to get permission to do what you KNOW you really want to do.
Give yourself permission.
What decision would make you happy?
Looking ahead, one year from now, what makes you smile? Five years from now? I see you with your Mom & son, and happy as a lark, as they say.
you sound like a very wise, enlightened individual.
thanks for sharing.
If my husband wants to take me to court and try to take our son away from me or limit custody so be it I will not fight anything over the property I am not helpless I was perfectly fine before him and I will be so after. I do not make big tech money, but as an RN I did make a decent living for myself. I will be just fine without a man. I will fight for the right to see our son though, if he wants to wage that war like many of you see to think he should or will, I will not go down without a fight.
Please understand a stay at home mom is not helpless or unskilled. Many of us had wonderful and fruitful careers prior. I do not "need" his support. I do not agree with what my family did say, but I get where they are coming from to a degree we easily could afford to place my mom in a higher end facility or even pay for private aids without us evening noticing it. Though I do not think it is fair to put that on him. I should have never brought up, but I was hurt by his pay the bills comment. It was a moment of weakness. That comment made me feel helpless and was one of my concerns when I agreed to leave the workforce. I did not want to feel like because he was the only one working my efforts did not amount to nothing.
My husband wants his space and his wife back end of story. I have two shadows our son and my mother. They follow me around wherever I go. I love having my duo around. Do not get me wrong I miss spending time with mu husband and I do wish we had more alone time together. It is rough cause even if my mother was not in the picture I do not trust anyone with my son yet either.
Sure he will not be alone for long if he up and left that is fair, that said I am willing to try and comprise and I will discuses it with him. I have already told him my hard line, and if he does not like it I will await the papers and we will put our child through that hell. It will have to be his choice though, and I will try to make things work within means that I find acceptable. I am not a huge fan of the apartment idea, but I am willing to try it out so he can have his space back again.
If we do split we most likely go down the co-parenting route. That said I will do what I can do prevent that from happening for our son, and I still love my husband. I just wish he could accept I also have other people in my life that need me. It cannot be all about him. I am one person who is loved and needed by three others.
The problem is that your mom moved in because she couldn't keep her apartment, not because she needed care. Now she may need some care, who knows your narrative has been to fluid for me to follow, and she has worn out her welcome.
Why is your husband paying for everything if mom gets SS and you have a savings account?
The man gets less then 24 hours awake time at home and you think he's asking for to much to have some time alone with his wife and son!! You are unbelievable, not to mention selfish and self-centered. You obviously married a paycheck.
Sigh. Life is not always a fairy story with a happy ending.. there are many many variances.
But if this WAS a Little Golden Book tale - what would get the best happy outcome for ALL involved?
#1 Bowl too hot: Family of Grandma, Mom, child & Dad live all together, all the time. But Dad unhappy. He emotionally checks out. Eventually considers moving out.
#2 Bowl too cold: Grandma moves out. But needs supervision/company. Some aides but Mom wants to be with her so Mom & child visit with Grandma most days.
Then Grandma needs overnight care too. Mom & child move in. Dad left to live alone.
#3 Bowl just right: is there one???
The OP said she does not want to place her Mom. As PeggySue highlighted, she has made her decision. That's where the story is stuck..
So the next chapter is then handed to the Husband to write.
Will he accept this? Accept this version of his family? Maybe find a way to adapt?
Or will he declare he will not. Demand his MIL leaves.
Regardless of whether the Grandma stays in their home or moves to a senior apartment, with or without aides, the story is the same:
Her version of her family INCLUDES Grandma.
But the husband's version does NOT.
I still maintain a marriage counselor may help to hear one another & discuss if compromise can work.
It does seem like for whatever reason people seem to think it is my duty to just say yes to him because he is fend up. We can adapt, we as adults have a far easier time adapting. Putting my mother in a home will more or less mimic every concern he had about me working outside the childcare aspect.
Your husband is upset bc he sees he is not your priority. He just foots the bills. If you love him, as you say you do, try to come to a compromise. As someone who did not adequately value her good husband, be aware of what you may lose. You say your mom won’t be around forever. But neither will your husband.
couldn't you just ask another family member to stay with your mom while you go to the park or out to dinner or ice cream or movie once a week? Just a couple of hours? Couldn't other family members help financially. Everyone has seemed to jumped to divorce, child custody, spouse is a jerk or you are a parasite.
Everyone so nasty. Goodness gracious.
My father and mother generally taken care of themselves, and I took much of that weight after university. That is why I am generally not phased by divorce if it comes down to it I will adapt and be fine like I was prior to marriage.
He also knew my parents were also going to be part of my family, this is not new to him.
I wish my family would step up would make things easier, but they live in their own bubble on my side of the family I was the first person to go to college and make something of their lives. Rest of my family for whatever reason did not go down such a route. I do not count on them for much of anything not even to watch my son for an hour.
You just told us that if your husband won't cooperate with YOUR plan, that he'll feel free to leave. And in your copious texts, you've not once acknowledged how you can relate to him at all. Why then would you expect the opposite?
When I was working I did use my salary to pay her care while I was at work, yes she is a picky but at the time I had to make it work cause I was working. Once I got pregnant we came to terms with me no longer working cause he had no intention to reduce his work load. Which I get, but end of the day it was not my choice for him to do that. I was fine with working, and making it work that way by paying for care for my mom. It was far from ideal and was stressful but I was far from miserable.
He knew it would get costly and my entire salary would go towards child care and care for my mother.
IDK, OP. The H has dealt with it for five years already. You offer no timeline for what you'll do other than what YOU want, aligned with what she wants. Your H appears to be the odd man out. So I'm not being sarcastic about it, but just let him know that that's the deal.
You profess to keep the one with your son and mother going, but the big priority should be your husband. He is keeping the family going financially. You don’t want your mother in a facility, but have you looked at outside activities that that senior organizations might have for her that would allow your little family to bond?
I'd call that a sea change from her original post.
Cut out the bashing, guys. Please. We're better than this.
Things will change in many ways when son goes to school, just as things will change when GM’s health deteriorates to the point where she DOES qualify for the support that was turned down before. And of course, there will be radical changes if the marriage breaks down.
OP and her husband really need a planning session for the future, not just for the next few months. It would be a pity if OP is backed into a corner, and can't change when the world changes around her.
this is just a general comment.
somewhere below, i wrote:
"there's still people on here who insist placing an elder is
giving up on them, throwing them away, or just being mean selfish meanies."
it's not.
sometimes, it's the most loving thing one can do.
and, sometimes the LO thrives in a facility.
even if they don't thrive, sometimes it's the most loving thing to do.
------
i want to add to that.
sometimes, it is indeed, "giving up on the elder, throwing them away, or just being mean selfish meanies."
there are all sorts of people in this world.
those kinds of people exist too.
not all people place their LOs in a facility, for good reasons.
not all people keep their LOs home, for good reasons.
---------
...for example, some people are calculating ("how can i get the most financially out of my LOs")...
...some adult children just don't care ("i don't care what happens to my LO...let's just do X") (even when the LO was very loving towards towards the adult children the whole life) (i'm not talking about abusive LOs)
the point is, there are all sort of people, making decisions (abandon parents totally, let them figure it out themselves? out of sight, out of mind? help a little? help a lot? facility? no facility? in-home care?)
meanies exist.
awful facilities exist.
likewise, loving people exist, just wanting the best for their LOs, for themselves, for the whole family.
good facilities exist. but it certainly depends on where you live. some parts of the world, some towns/cities, only have awful facilities.
also, the more money you have, the more options/solutions you have...
for example, more money = sometimes will give you access to a certain good facility, that a poorer person will never be able to access, can't afford.
------
so yes, meanies exist.
loving people exist.
good facilities exist.
awful facilities exist.
-----
as for OP...what should OP do...
dear stuck,
:)
i simply wish you well, your mother, your whole family. :)
it's not easy.
and you/your mother/your family, has to live with the decisions, none of us. --it's sometimes very easy for someone in an armchair to give advice on someone else's life. they will never deal with any of the consequences.
and only you know all the facts.
also, for some bizarre/ironic reason, it's sometimes easier to give advice to others, than to give advice to ourselves. having said this, i better work on my life! :)
:)
continue your loving path OP, seeking good solutions.
sometimes, empathy and encouragement (whatever path one decides on) is what helps. you'll find the right way.
hug! :)
horrible … some are great but very $$$. If you want mother with you …
go for it…. Doesn’t sound like great love marriage … and not sure how much you want give up to keep husband. Do what your heart feels… I think that’s best …
I agree with you that it's a disagreement of core values, but if it is, it won't be ameliorated by getting public aides or a public apartment for mom or other measures, such as the private adult day care Mom insists on over the public ones. She doesn't seem the type to be able to reinforce to mom that this is it, you get along with these aides and this apartment (if it even happens)--she seems the type to just take granny back in and being increasingly resentful of her husband since she thinks she has the unilateral right to keep her in their house.
I'm sure some have noticed I've said I had both my parents with me, It was not a wonderful experience, and yet my husband supported me always and never once made me feel like I was neglecting him or our marriage. He understood that my parents needed help, and that it was my priority at this time and he understood I needed his help. He works and yet he helped me in the household as well. That is what any mature adult husband/man would do that loves his wife. Support her.
One thing I'm not clear on is what exactly is his issue with the mother being there? Has she taken his bed, his office, his couch, his tv??? What does it mean he needs his space?? Is he not happy that the mother and daughter get along and are close, is he jealous?? Does he hate that the mother is getting more attention than him from her?
So, some places AL can't or won't accommodate wandering, other places will. It makes it imperative that people interview the facilities in their area to be sure they are in fact willing and able to meet care needs.
When one gets married and starts a family, the expectation is that they become the priority over extended family. This includes mothers.
She's already said that her hardline is keeping the mom with her until SHE feels like it'll be too much. But it's been five years already with mom and her dementia. Mom already wanders and shadows people.
If Mom starts doing that with the kid, OP will just be glowing about their "special friendship" that won't be healthy in any way.
She's insistent on keeping Mommy even if it means her husband disappears and so does this child for 3/4 nights a week. GREAT mother there.
Let's be real about what we should or shouldn't expect from people.
I bet you were angry and done when your folks got a new address.
They are now in the same building with my sister. I visit frequently and help out as much as possible. Lets be real living with 2 elderly unhappy and disruptive parents is different than taking care of a mother who seems to be not a problem.
I am not angry. I regret I could not make it better for them and make them happy.
Now you say 5 years+ is ‘temporary’, DH should ‘grow up’, forget about being married, ‘play hockey or video games or join the gym, get a hobby, whatever’. Wow!
I can relate and understand to what you are feeling, but most of the people that visit this forum aren't going to come close to understanding.
You love your husband, son, and mother --- and want the best for each of them. You have witnessed more negative things as a caregiver in private facilities than you probably care to remember or write about.
I am married too with a family, and I take the lead on caring for my mother -- it's rare that men like me will even provide care for a parent -- especially almost 9 years of care that I am still providing.
I am the breadwinner and fortunate to work from home. My wife understands how I feel about caring for my mother, and she supports my decision to do so, and helps when I am busy on a work project, etc.
As a man of faith, I stand on scriptures such as 1 Timothy 5:3, and my wife is a woman of faith as well, so she is fully supportive. We work together to find balance, make time to vacation, and have our date nights covered with paid help. We make it work.
You stated that you have discussed the care of your mother with your husband, but I would encourage you and your husband to sit down with a marriage counselor and put it all on the table. It is good to have a neutral and unbiased party involved with marital issues.
Ultimately, either direction you go in will be emotionally challenging for you. Don't listen to the majority of people on this site who will attempt to make you feel guilty or wrong as a wife and mother. Do what you can live with for the rest of your life.
I admire the fact that you explained your feelings to your husband on how close you are to your mother, and desires to care for her -- sorry that his position appeared to change over time.
Praying for you to make the best decisions for your entire family.
OP gives serious mixed messages about how willing she will be to do that.
Like for one, she doesn't like the apartment idea because it'll "only solve the space issue" as opposed to time. If she means she's going to go sleep with mommy and distrust the free aides she's applying for (she after all is an RN and they are not), then the process is almost moot, and definitely not a compromise.
By next year, OP's child should be in a pre-K program and her mother Somewhere Else that OP is not sleeping over at, or prioritizing visits to over her child's pre-K education. If OP feels the arrangement is crummy, then she should return to work so that she pays for the help herself.
Can you give them the opportunity to get away from her? What about designated space for her within your house? It’s very difficult to set boundaries with dementia. Perhaps an apt within your house. Or choose MC close by. As your son ages he’ll become more involved with his friends, with less interest in his elders. Be careful not to create an unhealthy scenario where they only have each other.
Now ask yourself this: If you divorce, where will you and your mother live? If she dies in a year or two, do you expect your son and husband will take you back?
And, finally, my mother is 97. My 1st husband died at 33. Never count on making up for lost time.
i'll remember that, and try to use every moment.
She admits Mom is a "handful." It's clear the husband thinks otherwise, but she thinks that because she is the carer and a RN and loves mom, that she is the only source to decide when enough is enough.
She's like the frog in the pot, with the pot being on the stove since 2017.
I'm really worried about how the grandmother and her issues, and her marital problems, and said issues, will affect their 3-year-old.
She has, realistically, one year to fix this situation. Most children--and especially those in this family's income bracket--have the advantage of pre-K. Denying a child that advantage because of his "special relationship" with a demented grandmother does not seem in this son's interest.