My Husband would like me to place my mother, I am not ready for that. My mother is not easy to handle, but we have been doing well. I left my job to care for our child, and in 2017 my mother moved in with us when my father passed away and she was no longer able to stay in her apartment.
My husband wants her out, he wants his space, and has even pulled the he pays the bills card on me. How can I explain to my husband that I want to enjoy all the time my mother has left. I have tried to tell him this but he just does not get it. I do understand dementia is a handful, and thanks to the fact my husband is able to support us on his own income is helpful cause it allows me stay home. I wish for our child to get to know his grandmother in a place she is comfortable with not in a nursing home, he did not have the chance to know his grandfather I do not want to rob him of that.
My mother and our son to get along wonderfully, and my mother loves having him around. I do understand that this was not meant to be a forever thing, but I am not ready to send my mother away. I use to work in a Medicaid SNF I know the horrors that go on. My husband downplays the quality of care they are capable of provide. I could not live with myself if I did that to her knowing full well how they operate.
My family told me to tell him if he wants her out then he has to pay for her placement to a better quality place, but in truth MC is not really the best wherever you go and the cost associated with private care is insane. By no means am I burnt out. I used to do this for a living so I am better equipped to handle it. My husband is the one that is burned out. He wants his home back. My husband is not much of a people person and have never really meshed with my family.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting to spend as much time as humanly possible with my mom and child? Having both of them around has been pure joy for me. Sure she is complicated show me a person with dementia that is not. I understand his feelings, but I do not think it is fair to have him tell me when it is time to place my mother. I get it he just wants it to be the three of us, but that is not how things are right now. I have told him we still have many years together we can make up for lost time, please find some enjoyment. Our son has a chance to spend time with his last living grandparent do not rob that from him.
He was not pleased by this, I get it might be heavy handed but that is what he is doing. I have seen it many times I know many families say their loved ones are doing great in MC, and sure some are. Though they are not around all day. My mother, hell no one deserves to die in such a place if the a family member is able to and willing to put in the work at home. I get it I can do this because of him, but even still that should not give him a reason to tell me how to care for my mother.
Please advise what should I say or do, we have tried to talk it out and he is hard stuck on this.
Stuckinthemid,
I can relate and understand to what you are feeling, but most of the people that visit this forum aren't going to come close to understanding.
You love your husband, son, and mother --- and want the best for each of them. You have witnessed more negative things as a caregiver in private facilities than you probably care to remember or write about.
I am married too with a family, and I take the lead on caring for my mother -- it's rare that men like me will even provide care for a parent -- especially almost 9 years of care that I am still providing.
I am the breadwinner and fortunate to work from home. My wife understands how I feel about caring for my mother, and she supports my decision to do so, and helps when I am busy on a work project, etc.
As a man of faith, I stand on scriptures such as 1 Timothy 5:3, and my wife is a woman of faith as well, so she is fully supportive. We work together to find balance, make time to vacation, and have our date nights covered with paid help. We make it work.
You stated that you have discussed the care of your mother with your husband, but I would encourage you and your husband to sit down with a marriage counselor and put it all on the table. It is good to have a neutral and unbiased party involved with marital issues.
Ultimately, either direction you go in will be emotionally challenging for you. Don't listen to the majority of people on this site who will attempt to make you feel guilty or wrong as a wife and mother. Do what you can live with for the rest of your life.
I admire the fact that you explained your feelings to your husband on how close you are to your mother, and desires to care for her -- sorry that his position appeared to change over time.
Praying for you to make the best decisions for your entire family.
I doubt if many of our posters would agree that ‘honor’ depends on being ‘desolate..night and day’. Or that pleasure means that she ‘is dead while she liveth’.
The letter to Timothy is one of Paul’s many letters. Paul never met Jesus in the flesh, wrote nearly half the New Testament, and is well known for verses verging on misogyny (like women not cutting their hair). Do you actually read the Bible? Do you really believe this? Does it help anyone?
PS are you male or female? this post sounds like male, profile sounds like female. I'm not sure that Paul would have approved of gender change, though apparently he did do a DIY circumcision on his servant.
You're one of the few people on this thread that actually makes sense and offers a real solution that could work for the poster and her family.
There are just some threads you can't stop reading. It's like seeing a car accident. No one wants to see it, but you can't look away and this thread is something. It's a ten car pile-up on the highway in blizzard conditions at night and involves a tractor-trailer.
Once the scripture quoting starts that's when you know it's going to get good. I did the AM care for my own 84 year old mother and she's watching the Perry Mason re-runs. I'm watching the fight LOL.
2:9In like manner, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefastness and sobriety; not with braided hair, and gold or pearls or costly raiment; 2:10but (which becometh women professing godliness) through good works. 2:11Let a woman learn in quietness with all subjection. 2:12But I permit not a woman to teach, nor to have dominion over a man, but to be in quietness. 2:13For Adam was first formed, then Eve; 2:14and Adam was not beguiled, but the woman being beguiled hath fallen into transgression.
1stTimothy, the OP clearly isn't even fazed by the prospect of divorce, which is a huge sin that Paul continually harps on. Why then would she be interested in your religious take?
I mentioned one scripture as an example of what me and my beautiful wife and family stand on - one of many scriptures. I am not interested in your baiting and use of scripture to further whatever agenda you have. Set your targets on someone else - like yourself.
@LoopyLoo
@lealonnie1
and everyone else condemning this woman.
stop monopolizing this thread, you have done nothing but come up with theories without any facts about this woman and others, me included. You don't even know her but act like you do.
You bash everyone that has a different opinion from yours. What is your problem. You can't stand it that there are people that are not like you?
You have accused this woman of being a terrible wife and now an irresponsible mother too. You have predicted her doom of a future, rofl. Where do you get these ideas? You found "clues" from the little she has told you? So not only are you experts here but detectives also.
And once and for all, do women all a favor, get out of the stone ages, with your antiquated ideas about the roles of men and women What kind of marriages do you have? No wonder you come on here, it's not to give advise and help, it's to judge, criticize and condemn.
You come from a place of no reasoning. How do I know? The clues.
Go ahead and lash out at me again. Get something that I wrote and twist it to your satisfaction and use it against me. Go on I know you want to have the last word :)
Thanks for considering it.