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So, she can't be left alone. Meaning that you are "on duty" except when she's asleep.

By definition, you are thus neglecting your child and your husband.
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gladimhere Feb 2022
Is she abandoning the marriage? I think so.

Mom has been there five years. I think hubby has been more than patient and tolerant with this situation.
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In my experience people usually do as they want.

If you don't want to place your Mother in MC, you probably won't. But it might have consequences on your marriage you don't like.

I agree that marriage counselling may help you both to hear each other & see each other's viewpoint.

Compromise may seem impossible but can work too. I've met people who's LO lives in residential care but is brought home for weekends or every second weekend. (As longs as that is not too unsettling for Mom of course).
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"My family told me to tell him if he wants her out then he has to pay for her placement to a better quality place, "

Maybe it's time for someone else in your family to take her in?
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I know you did not say this, but I do think it would be wise to adjust your tone towards placement on a caregiver forum. You appear to have your own personal preference but it comes off as anyone that places a LO so they can live is inherently selfish and a bad person. Also seems you are faulting people for using the resources available to them. Maybe I am just reading too much into it and also being overly sensitive.

Just the tone I get.
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What happens financially if hubby decides he is not going to live like this any longer? He works hard for his home and his family. He deserves to have a calm place at the end of the day. You are taking that from him.

Find a marriage counselor and a therapist for yourself.
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Nokonoko Feb 2022
My guess since they have a kid he will still be on the hook to support her.
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Stuck, what you have is a marital problem, not a caregiving problem.

See a marriage counselor with your husband.
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Ledwards71 Feb 2022
Totally agree
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Double post.
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No, you are not being reasonable. Your family should be your priority. Do you want your son growing up thinking it is normal to have grandma living with him when he is older? Do you want him to think he has to provide for you when you need care? Why can't mom still be in her apartment?

There is a bit of drama in your question. It is not sending your mother away. You are not robbing your son of getting to know grandma. It is teaching your son what a relationship should be. It is stressful for your husband to have her there. Do you want your son to grow up with his father or his grandma?

It probably is not a skilled nursing facility, that is much later. Have you checked into assisted living facilities, memory care? You think they are terrible places which leads me to believe you have not. There are many very good facilities with quality staff where there is more than one person to take care of her.

Go shopping with a positive attitude.
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Stuckinthemid Feb 2022
She cannot be left alone, and has a wandering risk so AL is out of the question. At least here the MC units that have Medicaid beds are generally just floors in a SNF. Medicaid will not provide the amount of hours and care she needs. At home I am capable of doing it. Majority of her behaviors are not complicated, but the wandering, difficultly with redirection, and lack of boundaries will make AL a hard sell. I know they will deny her for AL in a heartbeat. Only income she has is SS so the MC pools are limited to the ones that have Medicaid beds and those are few are far in-between and the decent ones often have a waiting list, the ones without a waiting list are like that for a reason.

I would not say it is drama, I just worked in the system I know how it works, I know how staff treat difficult patients. Of course I want my our child to have a father, thing is I would not ask him to place his parent if he was not ready to do so. I have seen what families go through, I have dealt with the tears and broken heart of the LO that is placed. It is something that should be the last resort, as the caregiver I am not even close to my breaking point. I use to deal with far worse at my old job. My mom is a cake walk. I do understand where he is coming from, problem is he is unwilling to even understand where I am coming from.
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