Husband wants mom out. Is this normal? Should I be understanding of him?

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Husband wants mom out. Is this normal? Should I be understanding of him?

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Husband and I took my mom in four months ago, agreeing that we would take her in (on my siblings' request -- 7 of them!... 6 older and 1 younger) and my siblings would help take her to her doctor appointments, get her address changed and other obligations taken care of. Unfortunately, the majority of them ended up doing nothing. On top of that, when I pretty much pleaded for their help as promised, they started attacking me, cursing my family and my children "ten folds", saying we were going to hell, for us to stay away from them as we are no longer part of their family, etc. We no longer talk to my siblings.

I attended a family meeting a couple of months ago and couldn't believe my ears when my mother lied to them about my husband and I right in front of me. It was very hurtful and I was told by another sister that my mom said a bunch of things to her separately, i.e., she asked me to translate some paperwork for her and I just yelled at her, husband and I don't cook for her, etc. My mom has never been an easy person to live with. I am 26 years old and haven't lived with her since I was 12. I work full-time and I also go to school.

With all of this drama, especially the fact that my siblings don't do anything for my mom (as promised) but have the audacity to attack us repeatedly, my husband wants my mom out. I understand where he is coming from as I have been stressed out to the max as well. My grades were falling and I became very scattered at work. I also started to fall into a depression and sometimes thought about leaving my mom and my husband alone in the home. My husband says either she goes, or he goes. We have two little girls together. My siblings keep saying they'll find an alternate home for her but it's been over one month and we were told they haven't done so.

I honestly can't live with my mom, but I feel guilty for not letting her stay. Of course we are just trying to pressure the siblings to meet their end of the bargain and find her a place already. I just hate being stuck in the middle of it all. Help?!

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Hi mystiquemay, I'm sorry to hear your unfortunate situation. I am in a similar one, minus the children. You are a very young woman. May I ask why your mom needs to live with you? Is she disabled? I went to a therapist and was told me to make it my priority to create physical space from my mom in our house if I decide to keep her long term. (ie. separate apartment). She told me that stats show there is a zero per cent chance of these situations not ending in divorce. You need to think about if you are okay losing your husband in order to take care of your mom. If your mom is not disabled, have you looked at finding her a room to rent with roommates her age? That will hopefully provide emotional support. Also, my sister abandoned the situation too for the most part. I have a lot of anger towards her, but in the end, I am realizing, she can't feel my pain. My sister even uninvited me to my nephews bday party unless I agreed to put my mom in a nursing home. It was so bizarre, but her husband told her he would leave her if she even thought about bringing our mom into their house to live.

The thought of being single with two children and a dependent is so much worse than the guilt of finding an alternative for your mom where she may be better off.

Either way, good luck to you and I look forward to seeing your updates.

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Has your Mother been evaluated by a physician/psychiatrist? Medication may be helpful until you find other placement. Also, are you taking care of yourself? A skilled family counselor may be helpful until other arrangements can be made. Sounds like you are all at your wits end. Try the Serenity Prayer, can't hurt!
Moore2come

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The "ten fold" comments tend to make me think they are making a "Biblical" reference. Thus it seems that you were raised in a church going family. I would therefore comfort yourself with the Bible's admonition about 'forsaking all others', meaning that your primary family, which means first your spouse and then your children, must be your priority. Demanding parents and other extended family can destroy family peace when you allow them in. You are not being disrespectful to your parents by finding them a safe place to be and overseeing their care there. Listen to you husband about his feelings and tune out the rest of them. They are 'working' you, including your mother. Take care and God bless.

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Dear mystiquemay,
I also agree with all the advice to seek out, on your own a care facility, for your mother. I am amazed that with all you already have on your plate, you can adequately care for you Mom anyway. Your first responsibility is to your husband and children. If your siblings see that you are at the end of your rope, they may step up and begin to help out but don't count on it.

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The worst thing you can do, is do nothing. Contact each of your siblings today. State that it is no longer possible for mom to live with you. Period. Don't discuss why. Your reasons are not for them to approve or disapprove of. Again, do not get into a discussion about it. Tell them the deadline (within a few weeks) for mom to move out of your house. If they choose not to be involved in offering or finding a place for her to live, then you do it. Start the ball rolling early, especially if she's going to need Medicaid to enter a nursing home. If she has the resources for private pay, you should find a facility right now, so you have a plan in place when you talk to your siblings. All of this is easier said than done, but your marriage and your kids are worth the difficult work ahead. Good luck.

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I completely agree with everything said above..been there and in process of Mom going to a sister's home or NH. It is difficult but you have to put yourself and your family first. My Mother would have never taken anyone in like we have done and my siblings feel no real responsibility other than to visit. When I asked for help they were too busy and when we hired help they were livid...money out of our own pocket and they never bothered to come meet the companion we hired. I've read everything about these situations and talked with many experts; yet, I remain astounded at the behavior of my siblings and amazed at how common this problem is in other families. Best wishes!

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Dear mystiquemay, I agree with everything that has been said. There are many websites that you can use to find a place for your mother. If you Google "assisted living facilities" in your area you'll be able to tour them on line. Pick the top three or four that interest you, take a day off from work to go and visit them. You'll need your mom's information - medicare; financial, etc. Chances are that you will find one that suits you and your mother that very day. My family chose one that was central to the four of us so that none of us had to travel too far to visit our mom. I will keep you in my prayers as you move forward. Don't be paralyzed by fear or fatigue. I see that you are at that point. The sooner you resolve this the better it will be for you and your family. And DON'T feel guilty. Your mom will wind up being happier with people her own age and these facilities are great at helping people adjust.

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I too was in your situation. My older sibling decided my mom would live with me. It was a living hell. My mom also is diabetic, depressed, lies about taking her meds, does not bath and is abusive. We begged for help. After 7 months we took mom home and the decision was up to my older sister of what she wanted to do for mom. Hire someone to come in, take her, or put her in a home. Unfortunatly during all this my older sibling has had all of mom's worldly possessions put into a trust for herself and her kids. We have been to court and spent lots of money and have lost. I suggest you put her in a home and live your life so that you do not bear the same guilt, hurt, and rejection that I have had to endure. They continue to state that when dad died so did all his wishes. So much for my loving, caring, family.

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I agree she needs to be placed you were the only one to take her in but since she is lying about her care let her be placed-as suggested call social services and tell them why you are dealing with-then visit nursing homes in your area and talk to social workers there and tell them she will be medicaide pending -if she has assests she may have to spend down her money for the NH charges until she reaches there limit of what they request-of course your sibs will not like their inheritance go to the NH but they had a chance to do differently each of them could have taken for a month at a time-do not even talk to them about it-the best nursing home is the ne closest to you-do not consider the sibs they probably will only visit on holidays anyway if that. You owe it to yur husband and kids to be a complete mom and wife-if it were your husbands mom -you would feel like him I am sure-let us here help you along the way -whatever you are going through there are folks here who have been there and will give you advice.

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My experience is: don't count on siblings. If I were you, with so many responsibilities, I would definitely find her a place to live, as 3pinkroses also suggested. This situation probably won't get any better and you will wear yourself out. Caregivers need to take care of themselves! I wish you courage and luck. Support from this website has been so helpful to me. I hope it is for you as well.

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You know your marriage vows puts your husband first. Yes, we owe our parents respect and help but you have other siblings and they need to step up. My son-in-law put his mother's needs first while his two other siblings look on from the side and my daughter's family life went in the hopper. Listen to your husband, take your share of responsibility but let the others step up too.

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I think I might bring her to the sibling who is most financially able to help her and drop her off there for a "visit" and never come back. I know that this is common and I read it online all the time but I think it is nervy of them to blame you when they are not lifting a finger. Once they see how difficult and life consuming it is to take care of her, they might get off their fannies and find a solution that will work for everyone. I know that it is easy for me to say as I have no siblings but I do have a friend who was in the same situation and she made her siblings jump in by telling them that she could not do certain things "I can't bring Mom to the doctor next week so one of you will have to do it" and they started to help more. Frankly I like the drop off for a "visit" more. Hang in there and do not sacrifice your family or your education for your selfish siblings.

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I agree find her a place on your own, you are only 26 and have the right to your life, marriage and sanity.

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I wouldn't wait for sibs to find her a place. I would go out and find one on my own.

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Thank you, 3pinkroses. My mom is diabetic, obese, severely depressed, bitter, and negative. She recently had her foot amputated due to diabetes.

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My heart goes out to you in this most stressful situation. The uncooperative siblings is so common - not fair - but it is what it is. Your plate seems to be full and your siblings aren't helping at all. You have a husband and two little girls to think about. Seems like you might have to be the proactive one here and start looking for alternatives for your mother. Try not to feel guilty - there are many ways to handle this. Try calling your local Elder Care facility in your town.

They have many suggestions and are a wealth of knowledge. Not knowing your mother's financial situation - I would start with Elder Services and go from there. You will figure something out even if it is on your own. Thinking of you.

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Husband wants mom out. Is this normal? Should I be understanding of him?

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