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First time poster! I am so glad I found this forum!



It all started in 2005 when my grandfather had a heart attack and stroke. He was in his 50’s, and it literally took everything he owned from him. It was devastating. He raised me, and took care of me for most of my life. He was my rock. I left high school to help take care of him since he was paralyzed on his left side, and could no longer move. I was always close by to help until I was about 27. At that point I needed a change, and moved myself and kids about 3 hours away from home and restarted my life. Fast forward to about a year ago, my grandmother growing frail at almost 70 could no longer take care of him, and due to his developed dementia and Alzheimer’s caregivers and homes were not as accepting as you’d hope. So last June he moved in with me. I was very familiar with his care, and we were very close. I have a finished in-law suite that works out great for his needs. At first it went great with my grandmother coming about every month to visit him for a few days, and my peoples helping me care for him. I own my own business and was home with him all day, so it worked out pretty well. About 3-months in he became unhappy and wanted to go home, but that is no longer an option. It’s with me, or a facility. He feels “trapped” although we take him places, and spend time with him when we can. He has started yelling “call the police, he kidnapped me”, and “help” at the top of his lungs for no reason, which is concerning to my neighbors of course. Today he tried to smash a coffee cup over my head, last week he threatened to burn the place down. I love him and I don’t want to give up on him… he never gave up on me. I’m just at a loss as to what to do. A home is a death sentence because they will just “drug” him as they have done in the past. He is not cooperative in that setting and declines at a fast rate. As I write this he is yelling “help” and screaming obscenities at me because I took his cigarettes and lighter away after our coffee cup incident over a misplaced wallet (he has no money, but that's where his imaginary truck keys were). His anger is all caused by his imagination and making things up that don’t exist. Allegedly I wrecked his imaginary truck that I’ve never seen, and hid the keys to it. He hates me most days, so why do I even try? Why do I care? He is exhausting, and places extreme limits on what my family and I can do together since he can’t be left alone, and won’t go away most days. I feel like I’m trapped with no logical escape. I haven’t been able to leave my house all week, and he is insanely mean to my wife and kids, so I’m always the one…. I just have no idea what to do anymore. I can’t be responsible for putting him In a home and something happening to him and because he is irate most days they have given him fentanyl to calm him down which made his cognitive ability worse. I thought about having grandma move in too to help, but then in the same situation X2 eventually, and she is content with her daughter. She still visits, but it seems to make him worse sometimes.

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In my case, I was amazed at how well my loved one did in a facility as opposed to being under my care. I was not able to provide the 24/7 care that the lady needed and, amidst the wrath and judgment of those who did not bother to help me and did not know the situation, I placed her. I was accused of dumping her I was accused of not caring - you name it. She's better off without me doing the hands-on portion of her care. I still manage the communication, most doctor visits, medication reviews, finances, etc. Someone who visited her yesterday sent me a picture of her... she had not looked that GOOD in I don't know how long. Proper meds, proper hygiene, proper diet, diabetes management, social interaction, etc all did wonders. She looked 15 years younger than she really is and looked sharp and bright-eyed - not drugged. The person who sent the picture told me the lady was holding a coherent conversation and did not report any delusions or unhealthy thinking. Is she "cured?" Well, of course not. There is no doubt that without that 24/7 care she's now getting, she would not be doing nearly so well.... Am I going to take her out of the facility since she's so much better? Of course not - she clearly needs 24/7 care. She was delightful during the visit yesterday - maybe a little confused on days. When she was at her home, she was delusional, sluggish, calling the cops for no reason, among other very bad things - one incident at her home included a weapon she was trying to use against an imaginary intruder. All the while asking when she can "try" driving again. (Driving???) In the right facility setting, she's so much better and happier. I am hopeful facility will soon be able to take her on the van for outings. There was a time when I never thought she'd still be here at all - let alone doing so well now. (Disclaimer: yes, there have been ups and downs for sure - not all is rosy all the time as old age does catch up to all of us).
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A temporary fix could be to have him go to a facility for 3or4 weeks for respite. He may behave better when he comes home with you. If you don’t want to use antipsychotics, which have a black box warning to not give to elderly dementia patients, sign up for medical marijuana. It will progress and it’s not possible to handle that and being in charge of a business w/o help. There is a saying in dementia caregiving, you have to know your limits
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What a GREAT GUY YOU MUST BE.

Bottom line, you are basing making the decisions about his (and your) CURRENT NEEDS on information that went stale YEARS AGO.

You “……can’t be responsible for putting him in a home and something happening to him”, but inevitably SOMETHING WILL happen, and whether he’s in the best residential care setting you can find OR in your living room, he will either be cared for by trained, objective professionals or by emotionally entangled, subjective, loving YOU.

And by the way, you have no real evidence that the fentanyl CAUSED cognitive decline.

You have arrived at the point of NO GOOD SOLUTIONS. It is not a pleasant place to be but many of us emerged on the other side, after being where you are AND WORSE.

TODAY, plan to take a few minutes to make yourself a list of residential care sites in your immediate area. Hopefully your state will have evaluations of the facilities you wish to consider.

If you have access to two or three or four sites, do drive bys and consider the ones you may wish to visit.

Unless your grandfather has been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist or psychologist or neurologist already, arrange for him to be seen by someone in at least one of these disciplines ASAP. There is no reason for an elderly person to be drugged to a stupor unless more sophisticated treatments are tried first.

MAYBE (probably) NO medical solution will be perfect, but you may be able to do a lot better for him than was done previously.

I’m thinking the rest of the people you live with have missed you terribly, and I bet you’ve missed them too. Fix that. Reshuffle the balance. If necessary hire a strong young male psychology major to keep tabs on Grandpa for a couple hours while you do some family thing that you all enjoy. See f it balances your perspective a little differently.

And finally, be sure EVERY DAY includes something you really like to do YOURSELF. You areSO WORTH IT.
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Welcome to this site! Hopefully we can help you with all the info here and the voices of many people who have been right where you are.
It is time to find placement for your grandfather. It sounds like he has moved from needing lots of help to being a threat to you and your family (the coffee cup incident). Some people with dementia get violent, and that's the last thing you want in your household.

Once you have accepted that fact it's time to start researching places. The concept of "The Home" is much changed these days, and the sooner you start learning what's in the area the better. Sometimes there are waiting lists to get in, so start now.

And don't feel guilty! Your grandfather would not want this life for you and your family.

Best of luck to you all.
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Your grandfather, if he were healthy and whole, able to see this situation, would never want this life for you. Please don’t underestimate the impact this is having on your health and the wellbeing of your own family. Has there been a thorough medical evaluation to see if a proper medication balance can help control the anger and anxiety he’s experiencing? And don’t assume all placements are the same, just because the right fit wasn’t found doesn’t mean they’re all the same. This living arrangement isn’t safe or functional for any of you, it’s not your fault, it’s simply too much for any one person. I hope you’ll find a more suitable option
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Dear Madnezz, firstly I don't know you or your Grandfather. Secondly, warning: I will be blunt.

Dementia is an umbrella term. It covers many types, Alzheimer's Disease & Vascular Disease being the most common. Biggest risk factors for Vascular Disease are stroke & heart attack.

Most dementia is progressive.
So it will get worse.

You will start grieving (if not already) for the wonderful Grandfather you knew from childhood.

But it time to let go now.
Your Grandmother has let go his care when too much for her. Smart practical lady.

You have responsibilities, career, family of your own. You have responsibilities to look after your own health too. You cannot meet those responsibilities if you allow the care of your Grandfather to take over your whole life, which it is.

People with Dementia need a whole village to care for them. It exceeds one caregiver as it progresses.

Even with a team of paid caregivers there comes a time where a home setting is not enough. For people who cannot voice their needs are not met, their behaviour will show as anger, violent outbursts, wandering. Paranoid thinking & mood changes are very common. The brain is being progressingly damaged (by brain plaques & tangles, or lack of O2 with Vas Dem).

"I feel like I’m trapped with no logical escape".

You are trapped at present by your thinking. Thoughts that you MUST do this, MUST fix it. Yes?

I believe you need to really look at your situation. Be brave enough to admit you cannot fix this. You cannot fix Dementia. You cannot stop it.

You said you do not want your Grandfather 'drugged'.

Would you rather him attack your family & feel fear 24/7?
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You say your grandpa raised you, and was your rock. So I am presuming he was a kind and caring man before the dementia. If that is true, do you think he truly would want his care disrupting your life and negatively affecting your family as it is now?
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Hi! Welcome to the site, and I hope you can find some helpful advice in a difficult situation. These are just some starter ideas to think about:

1) What does your wife think about this situation? And the kids for that matter? You say that “he is insanely mean to my wife and kids, so I’m always the one”. That’s a lot better than most blokes manage, as many don’t even recognise “mean” to wife. But although you are taking most of the load, it still must affect your wife, and marriages fail under this sort of pressure. The dynamic between you both will always affect what advice you can use.

2) How many ‘homes’ do you have experience with? It would be good to look up Care Topics (click on it at the top right of your screen, then start by clicking on A for Assisted Living). The word ‘homes’ suggests to me that you don’t necessarily understand all the options, their costs and usefulness – Assisted Living, Senior Living, Memory Care as well as Nursing Homes. Most of our experienced posters would recommend doing a lot of research to find ‘a good one’, and being prepared to take an active role in supporting the person who moves into any of them. Certainly not 'just putting them in a home' and 'giving up on them'.

3) When was your last experience with a ‘home’. Fentanyl has come under a lot of criticism, and its maker has just settled an enormous law suit for the damage it did to many people. I’d be surprised if it’s used much now, except for short term extreme pain. Another thing is that the early days of Covid were particularly difficult for many aged care facilities, their staff, their residents, and the families – many staff ill, no visits, high anxiety, new and stressful procedures etc. There were many very difficult experiences, which may have largely resolved now. It would be good to take a fresh look.

I’m glad you found the site and the (mostly) nice people who post to it. The more detail you can provide, the better the advice you can get! Yours, Margaret
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Madnezz Apr 2022
It was about 2 years ago when he was put into a care facility. Fentanyl was used as a sedative to keep him asleep.

I agree, I need to do some research and find something that is a great fit for him.

my wife understands his disease, and so do my children. They are not very affected by it, but that leaves just me to care for him.


I have considered hiring another person to come in home to care for him.
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