My dad is 87 years old, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer recently. I went into the dr with him the first couple of visits, and the dr told me what was going on. The third dr apt., I started to go in with him but he loudly told me no, in front of a waiting room full of people. He cannot hear well, and if he doesn't hear something he won't ask anyone to repeat what they said and he will not ask questions.
From what I understood, he was going to get a shot every 4 months for the cancer and they were going to watch it closely. He did have a cat scan done, I was not allowed to take him, he went by himself, and he got confused on where to go in the building, but blamed it on the people working there did not tell him the right way to go
The other morning he received a call, my mom does not have a clue who called and he said that he was getting radiation treatments but it was not a big deal and getting these treatments are nothing.
We do not know why all of a sudden this has happened, don't know when or where, his response was I will let you know. He has a dr apt Tuesday morning, my mom wants me to take him but she doesn't know what doctor, time or place and he isn't talking.
My mom has her own issues, she has copd, and is on oxygen, her legs are swelled up and she can't hardly walk. There are also mental issues with her also, she was so mad at me one night when I called the paramedics for my dad, she was in the kitchen slamming the cupboard doors and yelling, I knew you were going to do this, I should never have called you, plus she threatened to call the cops on me and kicked me out of the house. My dad was in the hospital for a week and the er dr took 2 liters of urine out of him, but he felt fine.
It is pretty much me taking care of them, my 2 kids help as much as they can, my sister lives out of state, she said she is hoping to get up here in a couple of weeks
I am at the end of my rope, I don't know what to do.
While it sounds as though both of your parents have some mental issues, this change in your dad sounds like a "change in mental status" that could signal a TIA, stroke, UTI or something else that needs to be investigated.
Frankly, if dad does not want you involved, you may need to wait until he fails spectacularly (falls, becomes seriously ill, etc., ) before you can get some help from a hospital discharge team. Very said when parents don't trust their children.
Don't feel bad if you step back for a breather.
I'm wondering if we might need to add "accompanying elderly gentlemen to appointments about delicate subjects."
Any male relatives at all? Any peers of your father - friends, neighbours of roughly the same generation?
It's hard to tell - because evidently your parents don't care to be "interfered" with in general - whether your father has veered into this way of behaving because of the nature of his new diagnosis or because he's feeling overwhelmed about everything. But if you can think of a suitable male person to sit down with him and talk about what's going on and how he wants it handled, it might just be a start.
If there really isn't anyone, try going onto a prostate cancer website and consulting their forums.
How is your mother being about it now?
I'm sorry that you've got such a lot on your plate.
Because you are becoming burned out, you need to contact your sister immediately and have a very honest discussion with her. Don’t let her put you off, make excuses. and tell you she “hopes” she can come up in a “few weeks”. You need help NOW. Since you are constantly being shut down by your parents, you need her help with then. Good luck. Come back and let us know how it’s going.
You cannot force anything on them. By the same token, if they don't cooperate, they cant expect you to accommodate their demands.
Let this all devolve upon their heads. As we used to say at work, YOUR lack of planning does not make this MY emergency.
Step back. Breathe deeply.
Cancer treatment big money racket, don't do this - well, it's a point of view, and it wouldn't be the first time I'd heard it. But it *would* be the first time I'd heard it from a nursing professional, in her place of work, giving advice outside her clinical remit, unsolicited, to her patient.
I should ask the nurse what discussions, if any, she had with your parents before you lodge any complaints.
Can you and your sister agree on getting your parents to get POAs in place, these are needed usually in an emergency and there is no way to obtain them at that point. I think that your parents don't understand what they are, can you possibly get an appointment with a certified elder law attorney (www.nelf.org) and have them explain exactly how they work and what the intention of them is. Reassuring them that you nor anyone can just take over their lives because of these documents.
I had to tell my dad that if he didn't sign, which was completely his choice, that the next time he ended up in the hospital I would walk away and he would be at the mercy of the doctors, because I couldn't fight the system again to ensure that he received the care he needed. It took years off my life and he doesn't get anymore. The hospitalist said he told him, in a room by themselves and my dad sick out of his head, that he didn't want to receive care and DNR. I fought like crazy to get him care, what kind of doctor does that? So, you can give me the ability to ensure your wishes are fulfilled or you can take your chances, but I will not go through that again because you don't trust me. I also said it doesn't have to be me, anyone that he trusts, it just had to be someone. No one knows how stressful that type of situation is, nor can you even imagine that would happen, but it does and when you need that POA it is usually to late to get it.
Do some research so you understand what it entails, because nothing you have posted would have been changed with a POA. It doesn't give you control over your parents, it allows you to do that they would do for themselves if they were able. That is the intention, can that be abused, yes, but it is a risky business that could land you in jail if that authority is abused. (Not saying you, just in general) that is the big concern with people, that the POA will get on a power trip and force them to do things they don't want. That's where a certified elder law attorney will be beneficial, they can write the POA in a way that helps minimize the potential of abuse.
Best luck, your parents sound like they have always been a bit challenging.