She suffers from Dementia and Alzheimer's. I want to bring her home for the day for Thanksgiving but I don't think she will do well. I don't know what to do and my heart is breaking.
Don't bring her home for the day, take her some food and spend a bit of time with her in the afternoon at the NH. Dem/Alz patients thrive on routine, don't disrupt that.
Don't think about what you want for the holidays based on past festivities when things were different and mom wasn't ill, think about what's best for MOM and proceed accordingly. The problems occur when we try to recreate the past, ignoring the present day limitations our loved ones face. That's when everyone's dreams are shattered. Create new rituals now that mom's in Skilled Nursing and lower your expectations. That's your best bet. Disappointments happen when unrealistic expectations are unmet.
With dementia and ALZ, bringing your mom home would likely upset her adjustment to the routine at the care facility and to her, the holiday is far less meaningful than it is to you. I do understand how very hard this is.
We recently celebrated my mom's 88th in a room at the NH because she can no longer tolerate going out. We brought in food, gifts, decorations and tried to make the day special for her. I know that it meant a lot to her that we made the effort, but she spent some of that time with her head in her hands, it was too much stimulus for her. We limited the 'party' to 2.5 hrs and I then did her HS cares once back in her room and helped her into bed (retired RN). She was tired for the next 2 days!
Based on personal experience, I'd say best to bring TDay to her. Bring in some decorations and some of the TDay meal to her. Sit in her room and eat with her. It's hard to get used to the 'new normal' with aging parents, but we do it for them. They truly cannot adjust to changing surroundings and it would be confusing to her to be brought home; they need their routines for mental comfort.
When my mom was in a NH, we brought the holiday to her.
It was so much better, because when she decided she'd had enough of the noise and bustle, she could return to the quiet of her room.
Yes, it's heartbreaking to watch our parents' decline and become a diminished version of themselves. The best thing, I think, is to think creatively and positively about how to bring joy without destroying either of you.
Holidays are honestly just another day. I would not attempt to bring mom home when you already understand that it is unlikely to go well. Will she really know it is a special day for long, despite the festivities at her facility? I am so sorry. Holidays are lovely and all, but they DO put burdens on us all in terms of expectations. This is hard. But there is no way over it but to move THROUGH it. Not everything has a wonderful answer complete with ribbon and bow. Try to relax and enjoy wonderful memories on these holidays. That is what honors those who came before us. And those still with us who are losing themselves before our very eyes. I wish you the best.
Sorry for your dilemma. Since you already think that she won't do well, don't do it. It won't be good for her and I don't think it will be good for your either. Depending on how advanced her dementia is, it will probably just be like any other day. Don't tell her what you're doing so she won't feel like she's missing out. "Oh, we're just staying home and having a quiet day" type of thing could do the trick.
As funky said, go to her instead. Where she if comfortable. Where she is safe. Maybe you'll feel bad at some level about not including her, but I would give yourself permission to not include her. It really is OK.
People with any of the dementias do much better with routine, and when that is disrupted, all hell can break loose. So I would leave her where she is and perhaps it would be best for you and your family to join her at her facility as most if not all nursing homes have a Thanksgiving meal for their patients and often include family members. That way you can all be together. And then if you want, you can still have the the rest of the family over at your house later that day, or even on a different day of the week to celebrate if you want.
With dementia and ALZ, bringing your mom home would likely upset her adjustment to the routine at the care facility and to her, the holiday is far less meaningful than it is to you. I do understand how very hard this is.
We recently celebrated my mom's 88th in a room at the NH because she can no longer tolerate going out. We brought in food, gifts, decorations and tried to make the day special for her. I know that it meant a lot to her that we made the effort, but she spent some of that time with her head in her hands, it was too much stimulus for her. We limited the 'party' to 2.5 hrs and I then did her HS cares once back in her room and helped her into bed (retired RN). She was tired for the next 2 days!
Based on personal experience, I'd say best to bring TDay to her. Bring in some decorations and some of the TDay meal to her. Sit in her room and eat with her. It's hard to get used to the 'new normal' with aging parents, but we do it for them. They truly cannot adjust to changing surroundings and it would be confusing to her to be brought home; they need their routines for mental comfort.
Wishing you strength.
It was so much better, because when she decided she'd had enough of the noise and bustle, she could return to the quiet of her room.
Yes, it's heartbreaking to watch our parents' decline and become a diminished version of themselves. The best thing, I think, is to think creatively and positively about how to bring joy without destroying either of you.
I am so sorry. Holidays are lovely and all, but they DO put burdens on us all in terms of expectations.
This is hard. But there is no way over it but to move THROUGH it. Not everything has a wonderful answer complete with ribbon and bow.
Try to relax and enjoy wonderful memories on these holidays. That is what honors those who came before us. And those still with us who are losing themselves before our very eyes. I wish you the best.
As funky said, go to her instead. Where she if comfortable. Where she is safe. Maybe you'll feel bad at some level about not including her, but I would give yourself permission to not include her. It really is OK.