My mother lives in a senior apartment .
It is totally independent living. It is not assisted living.
I am exhausted cooking for her, shopping and returning things sometimes 3 + times for same item because it’s not what she wants, I am very budget conscious but I can’t always find cloths for 10.00!
She is very stubborn and wants what she wants and sometimes it is inappropriate. I get her a new bedspread and she wants it extra big. I say not safe to hang on floor because she could trip. All she does is complain. Today I took her to her 4th doctors appt this month and she said to doctor I don’t have time to take her shopping! She also said it in waiting room. I visit her 3 times week, do her shopping and cooking. I make her home safe and decorate
it for each season. I do her bills and hand sew her pants hems and she announced to doctor I don’t have time for her!
She only lives independently because I take her of all her needs. I take her shopping every other week but it’s too much on me to take her on big shopping trips. Sometimes I am lifting her walker in and out of the car 6 times in a shopping day.
I have a caretaker to help when I am out of town but she refuses to let her come over to help me .
I have a brother who visits once a month for 1-2 hours and it’s a miracle she can cook him dinner but can’t cook for herself. He never takes her on any errands or do any chores except the hug job of opening a jar of pickles for her!
Today I have returned her 4th set of shoe inserts and she wants another kind.
She insisted on a single blanket for her bed and now wants it returned. It’s too heavy and to big! I tried to get her a threw blanket but she refused!
I am so frustrated!
She secretly signed another year’s contract with the apartment company so I won’t move her to assisted living!
She is 88 with only short term memory less and problem solving issues which are normal for her age.
She does keep her apartment clean and my wonderful husband washes her floor.
I feel so used up. I quit my job because I can’t keep up without being totally exhausted. I am 64 years old.
I have cared for my father and my mother in law before they died and I am soo tired of being a caregiver.
I cared for my family in my childhood because of family dysfunction and am so sick of it. My husband and I also help his older sister who is not well.
Thank you for reading my complaint.
Everyone tells me I should be thankful she is still with me. I sure don’t feel thankful and feel guilt about it.
I will keep trying my best.
When you set limits on her - she will be angry/resentful/manipulative - and having that overflow into the document process may get much much harder.
I know you don't want to hear this but stop being a doormat. Returning things 3+ times to suit her is ridiculous. I am all for CARING for your mother, but you are CATERING and she is used to it and feeling entitled. Start putting your foot down and setting boundaries. If your Mom can cook for your brother and clean her own apartment, she is surely more independent than you are making her out to be. I understand you do need to go shopping, pay bills, and drive her where she needs to be. However, if you need help doing any of these things, or any other thing for her care taking, insist on hiring someone for that purpose. Why are you letting her call all the shots? When you buy her something tell her to enjoy it because it can't be returned. If you think the blanket is ok and not too heavy, leave it there. Stop making work for yourself by trying to make things perfect for your Mom - it's impossible. You are a caring and loving daughter who wants validation from your mom, but she is too busy controlling you to appreciate all you do. Please re-consider your role in this equation.
You need to remind your Mom, you are her daughter not a caregiver.
She sounds like she needs a dose of reality, that you have a life and family, and that doesn't mean you don't love her, but remind her you are aging as well and can not handle both households anymore and that maybe you can talk to the caregiver or if it is state funded talk to them about needing more hours for your Mom.
It is not fair for you to go home exhausted and probably crying because you have compassion fatigue.
Compassion fatigue is real it is described as physical, emotional, and psychological impact of helping others.
You should talk to your Dr. about it.
And do some relaxing time for yourself, take a long bubble bath with epson salts, go do something fun with your Husband.
Try to get back to a life that was comfortable before you took on your Mothers needs.
Your Mom seems to be taking advantage of your kindness and the fact that you are her daughter and she expects you to jump every time she says jump.
I really think you need to sit down with her and have the conversation and by you setting up the help that she needs, should obsolve you from feeling guilty and give you a sense of relief that you have set your Mom up to have a good quality of life, so you can move on with your own life.
Let her know you will visit her and call her and that you are not abandoning her, but it is your love for her that you are setting things up for her.
I wish you the very best, I know you can do this, you are doing this for both of you, not just your Mom.
I will leave you with a quote " God will give you Grace for your place".
Why? Why can't both of these elders move into a facility near where your son lives?
The other alternative is to just move your H's older sister and let your brother deal with your mother. I bet in no time flat she would be moved into a facility.
What I've seen from my girlfriends who cared for their mothers is that their moms never appreciated it and it was "Never enough". This is purposefully used as a manipulation tactic. By being permanently dissatisfied with their daughters, they ensure that their daughters will keep trying to win their approval and make them happy, and their daughters just worked themselves until their Moms died, but Mom was never grateful or happy with them.
Take her to look at a 2-3 Assisted Living Places and tell her she has to choose one and don't take no for an answer.
Or....
Sounds like you're about all used up and should not have let it gone this far and this long.
You need Me Time, You Need to learn how to say No and You deffiently Need to know how to set Boundaries!
Take some much needed Time Off!!!
Let mom know you're not feeling well and are run down and you're no longer able to keep it up.
Let her know she made the decision to stay where she was so she'll have to pay for Care help and that includes going shopping.
They have rides for Seniors even ones in Wheel Chairs.
Have the Caregiver take her shopping or her son can take her.
Stop cooking for her, she can order in or buy really good frozen microwave dinners like Lein Cuzine Meals.
Grocery Shop On Line and have her groceries delivered.
Let mom Hire a maid as husband doesn't need to mop the floor.
Tell her from now on, she'll have to keep what she buys that you'll no longer be returning things but she can ask her son to return them, after he opens her pickle jar.
Let you mom know that you will still be seeing her but only for Fun things like Going out to Eat, Getting a Manicure or Pedicure, Getting a Massage, Going to see a Movie, ect.
Life is too short to live it all for others and in the end, you'll either die before the ones you take care of or you'll get sick and No One to Care for You.
Prayers.
I do feel for you. I also feel lined up for multi-fam members (both sides) & am worn out & done with caregiving. I want a little puppy to love & a shack by the sea & that is it! 🐕
I have learned to be very organized about doing tasks for my mom. When I am at her home, I have a list of what I will do (only a few things per visit) and I do them while I am there and leave. I multi task on every visit and take advantage of getting a few things accomplished while I am there. I limit the trips per week as well and if it doesn't get done on one trip, it can wait for another time. It honestly helps. It's not a perfect system, but it does lessen the load.
In my opinion, you are enabling your mother to let her walk all over you. I would set some clear guidelines on your limits of what you can and cannot do and then stick to them. An example is with the bedspread. If she doesn’t like your taste, then explain you probably should not be the ones picking out her items since it’s clear it makes her unhappy.
I would not have quit my job as that was a green light to your mother that she can use you however she wants. Go back to work if you want and be firm with your mother of what you can and cannot do. Enlist your brother’s help to handle some of the tasks you were doing. If he cannot do them, your mom will have to hire help to get them done. Best of luck!
So many of us have had this experience and it is most often the daughter! Like your brother, my brother was everything and I was just the carer. It is incredibly irritating to watch your parent fawn over the sibling who is absent most of the time.
I suspect you know the answer. You can't change your mother but you can alter you. It will take time and you may need a councellor to help you get yourself into a position that gives you the self respect you deserve. Then the practical issues of getting someone else to do your mother's bidding, will fall into place and you might be surprised how pragmatic and adaptable she can be when you stop being her doormat! Don't hang around waiting to be apreciated, in my experience it doesn't happen and the self centredness will probably get worse. Good luck. Have a think - what are you prepared to do and what would you rather not do?
Everyone said, isn't it amazing that at 93 ( when she moved there, is 99 now) that she can live on her own?! HA!!
I used to hate the weekends as Saturday meant I would spend my day shopping, laundry, light housekeeping and bringing her meals she could heat up during the week. She hated the meals on wheels and I don't blame her, some were pretty crappy but she still had the ability to fix small meals for herself. She just didn't like to. I ran myself ragged, errands, at least 3 or 4 doctor appointments a month, struggling with her walker in and out of my car or sometimes the transport wheelchair. She lived on the opposite end of town from me. My car racked up so many miles during that time.
Family members frequently reminded me of how lucky I was to still have her and how what a privilege it was to take care of her. I thought there was something wrong with me and that I was a monster for feeling so much resentment and exhaustion. It took a toll on my work life, personal life and marriage. I gave up all fun things I used like yoga and gardening as I was just too tired. My husband tried to help but he had health issues of his own and we grew apart.
I wish I had access to this forum in the beginning. But finally in 2019- she had her BIg Fall. Hospital, then skilled care, and they, bless them at the skilled place- convinced her to go to AL.
I do feel I have my life back to a certain extent now and I have learned to say no more frequently and limit my visits. And not listen to people ( family, her friends) that know what I should be doing and how I should feel about it.
My MIL was the same, and put my SIL through a similar hell. When my SIL finally did set some boundaries with her my MIL got back at her by putting in her stupid Christmas letter "even though I live in the same town as my daughter S. just a few miles away, I rarely see her as she is so busy". We ended up laughing at the pettiness of it but it really hurt her at the time.
Glad you are here, you will find much help, hope, support and others that totally get it.
I felt every word you wrote. Oh the walker in the car, the transport wheelchair.. one week there was doctor, dentist, podiatrist, physio 😣
So so many people need to read this at the start of that slippery slope...
But I don't regret it now. I think I had to get to the bottom to learn how to climb back up.
Well wishes to you 🤗
No Mum, I will not do this or that.
Stop going to her house, stop preparing her meals. You know she is capable of cooking, so just stop doing it for her.
If she flounders so be it, let her flounder, let her go into assisted living.
It is not your job to cater to her every whim.
Second doing a lot of clothes shopping, housewares, etc, the thrift store is your friend (it can be more fun then going to a regular store). She can take advantage of senior transportation in her area to take her places or just get out of the house for awhile. Many drivers will help with any aids she has getting into the van. If there is public transit, that's another idea. There are many seniors that ride the bus when they want to get out for a while.
Good luck to you.
They also had scheduled shopping trips; one day grocery shopping, one day to thr mall, one day to Walmart, etc.
Her IL also had a dining room where she could have two meals a day.
I don't know if your mom's facility has those services, but if they do, mom can avail herself of them, and relieve you of all the unnecessary chores.
The hardest step to take is the first one. Just say No the first time. And it will get easier.
Hugs
I am now weary, exhausted, frustrated, resentful (towards a sister who has decided she can't help much), guilty, angry ...you name it, I have felt it.
I have also shopped for my mother only to return it all. She is a catalog junkie. There are clothes and shoes in her closet that she has never worn. I have refused to take her shoe shopping any more after having to return most of the shoes or look at them in the bottom of her closet never to be worn.
Gently but firmly putting my foot down has saved me from going stark raving mad. Find a way not to let her suck you into her problems. It's like dealing with a child who creates little problems and wants the parent to rush in and solve everything. As long as she knows you're there to fix everything, she will continue. I've learned it's ok to say, "no."
Caregiving is a difficult road. It can feel lonely and thankless. But our loved ones won't be with us forever. I know for me, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror when mom is gone and know that I did my best to give her a comfortable life in her final days.
God Bless you - He sees you.
She won't agree, she won't be happy, she will pout, tantrum and trash talk you to the world.
Just be prepared to stand firm. Read the book "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud for guidance and support.