I am exhausted and frustrated with caring for my mother. It is never enough! She refuses to hire paid help she can afford. What can I do?

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and response . After I calm down I am going to lay some new ground rules with my mother .

We all have fallen into that trap. We want to help but then it becomes too much. And we don't realize our senior is playing us.

My father ran me ragged when he first started to decline. This was new to me and I wanted to help. After a year of nearly weekly trips to the ER ** FOR NOTHING** I finally put my foot down hard. There will be alot of push back but you just push back harder. Decide what you are willing to do and only do that.

You can simply stop.

Since you have great difficulty saying a simple NO you might need to schedule something?!
Something like….A move across the country? A full face lift? A house remodel? Switch your right leg to where your left leg used to be? It doesn’t really matter. But it has to be something that STOPS “YOU” IN YOUR TRACKS. YOU more so than her..Your mother is like the person locked in the booth where the dollars are flying all about and she is grabbing as many as she can and stuffing them in her bra. That usually lasts 30 seconds max. But in your mothers situation the freebies have been flying all about to the extent that she thinks they are as natural as the air we breathe. You must pull the plug. It is up to you. Your mother will never say ENOUGH! It is up to you.
How about realizing that your wonderful husband doesn’t deserve to be washing your mothers floors so she can save her money for WHAT?
I’m sorry because I know you didn’t mean to make him her “creature” because he loves you but please see that you are degrading your own self and your dear husband by continuing this ….WHAT? What are you doing here?

As for others feeling you should be thankful, stop talking about her. Stop. Simply stop. They only know what you are telling them.
How is your mom?
She is difficult. She is running/ruining my life. She is saving her money for her old age after she has killed me and my husband instead of taking care of herself.
Maybe you won’t say those things but please stop spreading the good news (if you are) that mom is wonderful. An abuser should not be praised just because they are alive to abuse more.
And one more thing. Your mother is an abuser because you are allowing it. some people…maybe most people…are not able to resist temptation. You can simply stop offering you and your husband up as free to abuse.
She may only be exhibiting this unflattering side of her personality because she has somehow been led to believe it is okay? She needs you to have firm boundaries or you won’t be able to oversee her care for the long term which is much more important than washing her floors or returning her shopping. I know it’s hard but it is necessary.

When you are ready to start on the path out & into the future - let us know. Many if us have extracted ourselves from others *Magical Thinking*. It's possible & it doesn't take a Wizard - just your own thoughts & some common sense

"My mother lives in a senior apartment .
It is totally independent living. It is not assisted living'.

Ok. 3 facts there. The sum of = Mom is still independent. Or does it?

Mum's is fully independant. This is fake truth #1.

You can already see this, right?

Oh boy do I want to free you now to your future world of Ann123's perfect mix of work-life or idillic retirement.

But first, like Dorothy in Oz, there may be tigers & bears. You won't need to kill a witch with a house... but definately fake truths to be revealed..

To be cont...

Hi Ann. While some of the posts may seem pretty strident, they are filled with love and support for you, plus the experience and understanding of what you're going through. You can be thankful she is still with you without jeopardizing your own health and wellbeing. I agree that it's time to initiate boundaries. Fib if you need to. Tell her that your doctor has told you that you need to pull back, or that you're going to go back to work, or that your health is suffering. Start bringing in help without asking her. Do you handle her finances? That would of course be easier. Would a doctor talk to her and tell her she needs more help?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know firsthand how physically and mentally exhausting it is, even though you love her. Please take care of yourself. You're a good daughter, and taking care of yourself - even with her complaints - will not change that.

Those who tell you how thankful you should be to have your mother still with you aren't doing HER bidding for her, now are they? I just HATE it when people lay those guilt trips on us, not knowing a single moment of the torment our mother's cause us! It's ridiculous, isn't it?

Rant over.

Your are enabling your mother to pretend she is 'independent' when she is relying on you & your husband for EVERYTHING! She's is not independent at all but 100% dependent and then complaining about all you're doing for her! Sounds like MY mother before she got very old and developed advanced dementia.

Speaking of which, normal aging doesn't mean a person loses her short term memory and problem solving skills. SOME memory loss happens with age; that's it. If your mother hasn't been tested for dementia, she should be.

My mother was The Queen of buying everything that wasn't nailed down & then bringing it back to the store. It was a game and a hobby for her. Until she moved here to Colorado where I live (the only child) and started that little game with ME. And I said No Way Mother, Not Happening. You buy something, you keep it or YOU figure out how to get it back to the store b/c I am not bringing it back for you or driving you back to said store to return it. You'd be amazed at how quickly that little hobby came to a screeching halt! She'd walk across the busy intersection to the grocery store sometimes, however, and buy things and then bring them back herself. Or, she'd buy Oil of Olay and call the COMPANY to say the cream was a bit 'off' or some other lie, so the company would give her a coupon for free Oil of Olay. At which point she'd walk across the busy intersection again to get her free jar of Oil of Olay she swindled out of the company! True story. That was when she was younger and slicker though; now she's almost 95 and living in Memory Care Assisted Living and doing nothing of the sort anymore.

Put your foot down. Hard. Lay down the law and then stick to it. You are not her gopher or her whipping post anymore. Who cares if she signed a lease? If need be, she can move to AL and BREAK the lease and PAY the fees associated with it! Nothing is impossible mother, so don't think it is! Your DH should stop washing her floor, for petesake, and mother should hire a cleaning service! Make an agreement that you will take her shopping once a week or once a month or whatever, and then stick to it like glue. No more returns will be tolerated. She keeps what she buys so think carefully before buying things in the future, mother!

It's not your job to keep trying your best. It's your job to lay down some boundaries for your mother and it's HER job to do HER best to be thankful she has YOU in HER life! A little gratitude from these women goes a long way, you know! God forbid they should be happy with ANYTHING in their life, though, that is too much to ask! UGH.

Wishing you the best of luck developing some new rules and then enforcing them! Respect is a two way street. Once you start demanding some from your mother, you may be surprised that you'll start getting some!

Wow, you are letting yourself be run ragged, you poor thing. It's past time to set some serious boundaries. Do what you are willing and able to do and no more. She can rant all she wants, but you need your own life and down time, etc. She will adjust eventually and it will be worth getting your life back.

I would immediately stop this ridiculous demands of more and more shopping. What a waste of your time. And annoying too!

Too bad for her if she doesn't want the hired help. You don't want to be her slave. She needs to allow help or she will suffer the loss of you doing her constant bidding any longer.

Could I ask why you feel you have to do these things? Your mother will not hire help if she is getting it free from you. So, how about not being available? At first it is scary to many of us, but you can say NO. And you will get used to it and it won't be so scary. You can decide for yourself what you want to do for her and what you do not want to do. It is YOUR decision, not hers. You are a kind person, want to help, but she is abusing you.

Eventually, something will happen to her. She will fall or get pneumonia. Soon, an event will happen to send her to the hospital and you can get an assigned social worker and explain it is too much for you to enable her to live independently. I’m not good at putting my needs first. I prefer to have no regrets later. I cared for my mom who lived in her own home and my dad who is now in a skilled nursing home after 2 years in an ALF. And I work full time in an office. Neither parent has been easy. My mom was like your mom and my dad is super grateful for everything I do but he’s literally never going to die it seems. My mom got pneumonia in March after 10 years of bad health and quietly died. But not before she drove me to exhaustion. She also told her dr I wouldn’t take her to doctor appointments. Partly true because there were just SO MANY. She got to where she really loved going to the dr 3-5 times a week. My dad started his decline in August with hospital visits and rehabs. I bring him coffee ice cream milkshakes almost daily because he won’t eat anything else. I decorated his room today with a beautiful picture board. I’m trying to make his last days comforting. Also, I’m looking very much forward to when this is over and I can have time to mourn them both and begin taking care of me and figure out who I am outside of this role. Just know that the only thing you can count on is change. Something will happen to rock her boat and her health will eventually determine her fate. You should tell her to stoppit with the shopping thing. How often does an old lady need to shop, anyway? Funny, but during the first year of the pandemic, my mom found a reason to go to Walgreens or Walmart literally every day. That drove me nuts!

Unfortunately, you have created this situation by enabling her to completely monopolize all your good intentions. By always being a “Yes, Mom” person, she hasn’t learned that you are not her servant.

It’s hard, saying no. It causes loud responses, but though sh!t. My MIL wants what she want right away, and doesn’t want to wait. Well, too bad! I’m busy with two small children, my own ill father with a stroke, my helpless mother, and meanwhile, someone has to run a household. My MIL still thinks she should come first, but I just can’t. I’m only one person.

You need to start saying something other than “Yes, Mom.” It’s, “That’s too bad.”

Don’t like the bedspread mom? “Aw, I’m sorry. That’s too bad.” You never take me shopping! “Aw, I’m sorry Mom. I try my best.”

Stop offering alternatives that bleed you dry, and start taking control of your caregiving. Empower yourself.

As long as you keep enabling her by doing things for her, she has no reason to consider moving to an assisted living facility. Why would she when she has you at her beck and call?
You need to stop today doing all the things you are currently doing for her, and start doing what your brother does and that's come once a month to visit her for an hour or two. Your brother is the smart one here. He knows better than to let your mom use and abuse him. You can learn from him, as until you do, mom will continue to use you and live in denial that she needs to be living elsewhere, where she will be looked after more.
Your only priority at this point in your life should be yourself, your husband, and any children or grandchildren you may have, so let mom know that you will no longer be her whipping post, and that she will now have to figure things out for herself.

For the love of....just STOP! Stop decorating. Stop the million shopping trips where she buys things specifically to return them. You do know she does that on purpose, right? If you aren't getting credit for the effort, stop putting the effort in. Let her SEE what you really do, by not doing it.

When she says you don't have time to take her shopping, say, "You know, you're right. I also don't have time to cook, shop, and decorate for you now. I can probably only manage once a week for X hours."

Then stick to it.

You have "Doormat" tattooed on your forehead, but you aren't required to keep it there. As the old saying goes, no one can take advantage of you without your permission.

What do you think will happen if you show up only once a week? Why not find out? She'll either adjust her expectations or she'll get someone else in there to do her bidding when you aren't.

Get a backbone and take care of you for once.

This is called "enabling a charade of independence".

Step back.

STOP!!!
Stop doing what you are doing for her.
Step back.
If she refuses the help then she can do without.
Yes she will complain.
IT might take you backing off for her (and you) to truly realize that she NEEDS Assisted Living.
She will (actually has) made your life difficult but if you give in she will continue until you or she drops. (wanna bet who will drop first?)
When a child has a temper tantrum in the store because mom won't buy a toy or candy bar you either give in thus rewarding the temper tantrum and that will continue. Not giving in the child learns that temper tantrums do not work.
Let your mom throw a temper tantrum, don't give in, she will learn.
Within reason you CAN teach an old dog new tricks. It might take a bit longer but they learn.

Just read your profile. (I really have to start with that first)
Anyway. If you and your husband want to move MOVE.
Without you propping her up she may more willingly move to AL.
While you did not go into detail about your SIL if she is cared for and does not "need" you then make the move you want to to be close to your son.
You can revisit the decision when either your mom or SIL truly need you to be close by. And at that point I would encourage you to move the one that needs care close to where you and your husband want to be.