I am feeling unappreciated after being my father in law’s nearly sole caregiver for just shy of 8 years. How do I get what I need?

A fully incontinent dementia patient requires three aides minimum to care for them, all working more than 50 hours a week. Sure they are grateful as they/he are saving $20K a month on your back and preserving THEIR inheritance (eg the house).

Quit being used. As of March 1 or whenever that eight weeks is, is when you go back to being like the siblings and possibly your Mister. If it's so important to them, then they can uproot their jobs and their lives to take care of him, which they won't. Otherwise he goes into a home.

There’s zero chance I’d do what you’ve been doing. I’m sorry your family is taking advantage of you and your kind heart. A moment of pampering won’t make up for the stress of this level of caregiving. FIL needs more help than you can sustain. Please stand up for yourself, tell the family you’re not doing this any longer and give them a date one month from now that your help stops.

I think you might feel better if there was planning in place as to where (and by whom) he will be cared for after this temporary crisis is over.

Long term care of a dementia patient by one untrained, older caregiver is unsustainable.

It woukdn't be "complaining" to ask "what's the plan for dad, going forward?".

Just ask. And make sure they know that YOU aren't the plan.

From another post: "I have been my father in laws care giver for nearly 8 years now. Up until 8 weeks ago we have been able to allow him to live on his own with many trips to his house daily breakfast lunch dinner and drop ins I give him his meds cook his meals so his personal care including foley care and cleaning after incontinence showers and all household chores so he can stay in his own home we put up cameras in all his rooms so that we can watch him when we are not with him. Pops hasn’t been an angry patient until recently he has had his moments behavioral changes are now taking place. I am hopeful that when his bedsores these developed in hospital and are on his heels,, heals I will be able to go home right now through he is in boots which make him unstable and so unsafe to stay alone again. "

So now YOU are the live-in slave caregiver for your FIL for 8 months now? He takes out his anger on you?

How did you fall into this caregiving trap? How old are you? How old is your FIL? Did you have a job before you became the caregiver slave?

What is your FIL's financial situation? Who has POA? HCPOA? How many siblings does your H have? Why were you the chosen one? (I hope you won't say that you volunteered, but did you????)

Is this being done to preserve the inheritance?

Do you see how much of a doormat you are?

Wow - you must be saving his family a ton of money. When it comes down to it, they will inherit and you will be worn down to a nub. Your emotional and health issues are just starting and will get worse. It’s sounds like you must be doing this out of love for you FIL? But it’s time to make a change. He needs nursing home level of care. And you need to step away and see the bigger picture. No one is coming to help you so you must help yourself.

There is no way that I would be doing what you're doing for a FIL. No way. You are being taken advantage of by your FIL's family and by your DH. I agree wholeheartedly with the other replies here that you need to give notice that your caregiving will be coming to an end. Set your face like flint and stick to it. If his children etc. get mad, then let them get mad. Their anger is not your responsibility.

So everybody except your FIL tells you how grateful and appreciative they are, do they?

Mmm. "Once more with feeling" methinks.

They can show a real appreciation of the workload you have borne and continue to bear by:

- buying respite hours - so many hours per week of paid professional help during which FIL is off your hands
- buying respite stays - a week or two every three months or so, when FIL stays in a facility that offers this service specifically (which means they'll be good at it and won't mess him up) and you get away for a proper rest
- a schedule of visits and practical help that they can work out amongst themselves - good for FIL's socialisation, good for their understanding of where he's at in his journey, and good for letting you feel less isolated.

And even, if this appeals to you, plain money. They do say after all that this is the sincerest form of flattery.

Sounds like you are on the brink of Burnout. If I were in your situation I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for "gratitude" and pampering. If you have to ask for it, then it's not really real. If I were in your situation I'd give notice that I'm going on a long, recuperative sabbatical and that THEY (not you) need to find a replacement care plan and put it in place by the first of next month. And then whether they've gotten their poop together or not I leave on the day I told them I would.

I say sabbatical (leave of absence, etc) so that it may take out some of the "sting" of actually quitting. During your long sabbatical (I'm talking a year) they will have figured out his care and then you can formally quit (but do not step back in to rescue them at any time or you'll be right back to where you are now: impending burnout). Plus that would make you an Enabler.

From what you've posted it seems you are a people-pleaser, appeaser, a I-won't-rock-the-boat person, a I'll-do-anything-so-they-like-me person: aka a doormat. Only you can stop others from treating you like a doormat. Even your husband apparently likes the doormat you. As long as you're the only (and very convenient and docile) solution they won't bother finding any other.

The way to gain their true respect and appreciation is to stand up strongly for yourself. What are you afraid to lose? Right now you have very little. Absence will make their hearts grow fonder. Maybe they'll be upset when you first tell them about your leave of absence, but who cares? If you stay and enter full burnout mode *no one* will be there to rescue YOU. YOU must rescue (and defend) YOU. I wish you much clarity, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move onward and upward.

Perhaps it's time that you give a two week notice that you will be taking a little vacation/getaway to rejuvenate your body and soul, and see who will step up to replace you for that time.
And if no one does, you still go away and let the remaining family figure out his care, as you deserve time just for yourself, because being a full-time caregiver is the hardest job there is.
And don't worry, someone will step up eventually, and then when you get back you make sure that the family gets a plan in place for his care, using his money. And if money is an issue then he can apply for Medicaid.
You are on a very slippery slope and if you're not careful you will slide right off the edge to a not very pretty place, so please take care of yourself. You do matter!

Welcome to the club, my friend. Having only been ay it for eight weeks, you haven't even gotten your sea legs yet.

You are not being unreasonable or acting needy and you are most certainly are being used. Believe me, the longer you stay as Alzheimer's FIL caregiver the being used feelings will increase by a thousand as the care needs increase with more responsibilities and demands from the family get heaped upon you. Just wait until they start offering advice on how you could be better doing your "job". That's next.
Don't count on a moment of help from the family. You have been made the Designated Caregiver and they know it. You are the care plan and will remain so indefinitely if you allow it to continue. The family will be very careful to make themselves unavailable. They don't want to get caught in the caregiving net and have to help out and trust me they won't get caught in it. You're the one caught in it.
It's only been eight weeks, so call a family meeting. Let everyone know that you will not be FIL's caregiver and another arrangement will have to be made. You will also have to move out of the residence. If you're there, you're the caregiver. So pack up and go.
Please don't let yourself become enslaved for years at a time like so many of us here.