I am feeling unappreciated after being my father in law’s nearly sole caregiver for just shy of 8 years. How do I get what I need?

Where is your husband?

8 years of free labor? Of course they’re grateful, but you should be paid. Set a wage. Set hours. Since it’s not just a few hours & it’s not under the table, add employer paid (dad) social security. Add vacations and above all, don’t undercut your wages b/c you might need to hire out for times you aren’t available. Like holidays and 2 weeks vacation.
The family should still be grateful dad is getting excellent care. If the family can’t afford it keep track of debt and get paid from the inheritance (put a lien on it if necessary).

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It's not unlikely that the uninvolved family is simply clueless. Until I had to step in to help with my FIL's downward slide, I know I was pretty unaware of just how needy he was and how much my SIL did for her dad.

I think we had a little 'family meeting' just DH and his sister and her hubby and me. When my sweet SIL started to cry b/c she felt so stressed--then it became real to me. (I was, at the same time, helping to care for my dad who had Parkinson's).

DH offered MY help, which made me a little angry, as it was not his place to do so...nevertheless I did step into daily CG so SIL could have a break. It lasted for about 8 months and he passed. He shouldn't have been living alone, but DH made the decision I would go out to his place 3xs a day to care for him.

Unless you ASK, you won't know what kind of care you can expect. And, your DH should be doing his part. Don't let him slide with that 'well, I don't know what to do' line.

No one asked this question...why are you carrying for your husband's father. Especially the intimate parts. There is no way I would care for a man other then my own husband. His son should be doing the toileting not you. I told my brothers if Mom died first, I would not be caring for Dad.

A Dementia patient should never live alone after a certain point. Its time to place your FIL. Take the burden off of you.

Perhaps it's time that you give a two week notice that you will be taking a little vacation/getaway to rejuvenate your body and soul, and see who will step up to replace you for that time.
And if no one does, you still go away and let the remaining family figure out his care, as you deserve time just for yourself, because being a full-time caregiver is the hardest job there is.
And don't worry, someone will step up eventually, and then when you get back you make sure that the family gets a plan in place for his care, using his money. And if money is an issue then he can apply for Medicaid.
You are on a very slippery slope and if you're not careful you will slide right off the edge to a not very pretty place, so please take care of yourself. You do matter!

There’s zero chance I’d do what you’ve been doing. I’m sorry your family is taking advantage of you and your kind heart. A moment of pampering won’t make up for the stress of this level of caregiving. FIL needs more help than you can sustain. Please stand up for yourself, tell the family you’re not doing this any longer and give them a date one month from now that your help stops.

Sounds like you are on the brink of Burnout. If I were in your situation I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for "gratitude" and pampering. If you have to ask for it, then it's not really real. If I were in your situation I'd give notice that I'm going on a long, recuperative sabbatical and that THEY (not you) need to find a replacement care plan and put it in place by the first of next month. And then whether they've gotten their poop together or not I leave on the day I told them I would.

I say sabbatical (leave of absence, etc) so that it may take out some of the "sting" of actually quitting. During your long sabbatical (I'm talking a year) they will have figured out his care and then you can formally quit (but do not step back in to rescue them at any time or you'll be right back to where you are now: impending burnout). Plus that would make you an Enabler.

From what you've posted it seems you are a people-pleaser, appeaser, a I-won't-rock-the-boat person, a I'll-do-anything-so-they-like-me person: aka a doormat. Only you can stop others from treating you like a doormat. Even your husband apparently likes the doormat you. As long as you're the only (and very convenient and docile) solution they won't bother finding any other.

The way to gain their true respect and appreciation is to stand up strongly for yourself. What are you afraid to lose? Right now you have very little. Absence will make their hearts grow fonder. Maybe they'll be upset when you first tell them about your leave of absence, but who cares? If you stay and enter full burnout mode *no one* will be there to rescue YOU. YOU must rescue (and defend) YOU. I wish you much clarity, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move onward and upward.

A fully incontinent dementia patient requires three aides minimum to care for them, all working more than 50 hours a week. Sure they are grateful as they/he are saving $20K a month on your back and preserving THEIR inheritance (eg the house).

Quit being used. As of March 1 or whenever that eight weeks is, is when you go back to being like the siblings and possibly your Mister. If it's so important to them, then they can uproot their jobs and their lives to take care of him, which they won't. Otherwise he goes into a home.

I think you might feel better if there was planning in place as to where (and by whom) he will be cared for after this temporary crisis is over.

Long term care of a dementia patient by one untrained, older caregiver is unsustainable.

It woukdn't be "complaining" to ask "what's the plan for dad, going forward?".

Just ask. And make sure they know that YOU aren't the plan.