My mother has dementia, I live an hour away. I manage everything and visit twice a week staying over one night. I ring every morning and in the afternoon. She has people come in, 4 mornings a week. I've been doing this for 4 years and I'm burnt out completely. I just lost it on the phone with her, I was there yesterday and she wanted me to come again today. Most days she has been ringing me 4 times about every 2 hours. I want my life. I'm not married don't have children, if I did I would have moved her in with me. But I don't my sister lives 2 min away and does as little as possible. She really thinks my mother is playing games, no understanding. I read different people experiences and when I think this could go on for years and years. I love my mother and know if she really understood what was happening to her she'd want out. I think I just needed to write this and form a plan for myself, so that I stop feeling guilty.
Yes it is up to me, old patterns of being the carer in the family. Thanks I have taken it in and yes what a waste of emotion is Guilt.
Unless you just want to stay overnight once a week, please stop it. If you were married and/or had children, it would be as difficult to manage if not more. Just because you're not married and have no children doesn't mean you have no life!
Since Mom has dementia, she likely doesn't remember that she called before, or that you visited, and many other things. If she's still living on her own for the most part, she probably should not be. Sounds like she needs to be in assisted living/memory care where she'll have 24/7 help plus other activities to help her.
You likely need to tell your sister that you can't do this any longer, and mom needs to be in assisted living/memory care, and make those plans. You could go ahead and find some places, visit them, and present to sister and mom.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I have taken some respite over this week and will do this weekend. The things is I know it up to me to set boundaries, but family patterns are set deep. Been my life time role to fix things. Now I'm faced with not being able to fix this and no wanting to be in that role anymore. Have booked an appointment with a therapist. I done work in these area before, but as life throws up new and improved way for me to continue with the same old same old, I'm needing to do more work and get some support. Thank you again I helps just saying it out loud.
Your sister most likely will not share the responsibility with you so write that possibility off.
Look into other means in caring for your mom such as assisted living or a nursing home. That doesn’t mean that you don’t love her. It simply means that you are not going to allow her to control your life anymore. You can check in with the staff for updates or speak to her on your terms when you wish.
Vent here anytime. Sending many hugs your way.
Best wishes to you.
You need to have a nice chit chat with your sister to see what she plans to do here; what burdens she plans to take off of YOUR back in helping with mother. If the answer is 'nothing', then it may be time to consider placing her in either Memory Care or Skilled Nursing. Sell her home, if she has one, and get the ball rolling asap.
This CAN go on for years and years. My mother was diagnosed in 2016 with progressive dementia and is now 93 on Jan. 20th, with no hospice involved yet or any end in sight. Longevity runs in her family.
Finally, the vast majority of us 'love' our mothers................we want what's best for them, but not at SUCH an exorbitant expense that OUR lives are ruined in the process. So figure out what it's going to take to keep her safe and to keep you from having a nervous breakdown........and then go about implementing that plan. There's no need for 'guilt' to play any part in this equation. You are not responsible for the fact that your mother is old or that she has dementia or needs that she can't carry out alone anymore.
Good luck!
Yes that my mother all over, she always been one for drama. Would have made a great dramatic writer. A friend of the family told me the other day, that when my mum answer the phone she has this weak voice, excepting it to be me, but when she hears that it is family friend she perks up. This really the core of our relationship. Emotional blackmail, which I have brought into my whole life. Even though I tried many time to break away. I'm now going back into therapy, so I can get a grip on things and break this pattern of my behaviour as hoping my mum will change will only drive me crazy. Thanks for your words
It is up to you to change this situation, take a stand, engage your sister, review the options, tell her that you can no longer be the go to for your mother, so...then how are WE going to address this issue? Possibly AL? Certainly do not consider letting her move in with you...you are already bending to her every need, moving her in with you would turn into a full blown enabling situation, not healthy for either of you.
Finally, guilt is a self made emotion, most of the time, it is fueled by one worrying about others will say, and will stop one from making a decision, it is a self serving emotion...allows avoidance to prevail, "I will feel guilty, so I just won't do anything and hope the problem will go away"....certainly that mindset is totally counterproductive and only magnifies the problem.
Time to set boundaries and involve your sister in the process.
You are allowing this to happen, the ball is in your court