I am on the fence about placing mom in a memory care facility.

If you want her back with you and are confident that your mother can be managed with help at your house, then bring her back.

Hire homecare aides/companions during the day to stay with her, bathe her, and even take her out. Or put her into adult daycare during your work hours.

Yes, you can get aides who work evening hours. Even overnights. I was a homecare aide for 25 years and worked many night shifts.

As for installing a rail so she can't get downstairs at night. Don't mess up your house and wreck your walls getting this nonsense installed.

Put a hook and loop on the outside of her bedroom door and lock her in when it's bedtime. Then use baby monitors so you can hear. People go crazy when they hear an elder is being "locked in" their bedroom at night because it's not safe. Ignore that crap.

It's safer to put a hook and loop on a bedroom door that can be unlocked from the outside by a flip of a finger, than it is to let a demented elder wander all night. Or try to crawl under or over a rail resulting in a fall. Or even to have her in memory care. They may keep the doors on the floor locked but that doesn't stop other demented residents wandering into other rooms.

Take your mother back home if you're having second thoughts about memory care because you are right. These places are disgusting and very rarely are they not. They smell like piss and crap all the time and it's unusual to find one that's not dirty, dingy, or doesn't have sticky floors. Though it is true that the dementia residents don't notice.

Take the money being spent keeping your mother in memory care and hire homecare aides with it. You don't need to hire a nurse.

Ask your mother's doctor to prescribe sleeping medication for her so she doesn't get up at night. Or anti-anxiety meds if she gets agitated. Then put a hook and loop on the outside of her bedroom door and hire homecare that she pays for.

Good luck.

Additional thoughts to my previous post: You might not like the odors at her facility, but keep in mind that dementia patients probably can't smell them. Most of the time, they lose their sense of smell and taste early on. You're evaluating her facility as if it's for a normal person, but no way is a dementia patient normal. We try to pretend they are (that's part of our own denial about their sad circumstance), but we're pretending for ourselves.

Have you tried a fidget toy for her? It might keep her from picking at her fingernails. My mom liked to pleat things with her fingers. Usually it was the hem of her blouse, but sometimes it was the light blanket we put over her legs. She was soothed by the softness against her fingers. I think a baby's swaddling blanket, very thin, would have worked for mom. You might try that with your mom.

My mom had a "companion" caregiver for years, but once there were toileting and Depends issues, "companion" stated that she was not a nurse and would not do that (and it does require training to get a patient safely on and off the toilet). So be aware if you hire a companion, that's for sitting and keeping occupied, maybe chauffeuring here and there, but not meds, transferring, or bodily functions.

I told myself that I would keep my Husband at home as long as it was safe for HIM and as long as it was safe for ME.
So put that thought in your head.
Now..What is your "Line In The Sand" by that I mean at what point will you say "I can't do this anymore" for whatever reason. This is YOUR personal "thing"
Now put that in your mind.

Yes there are Adult Day Programs that will keep her occupied for a good portion of the day. Most pick up in the morning, provide a breakfast, a lunch and a snack and bring the participant back home around 3 or 4 PM. Great option. As long as she can participate, as long as she is compliant, as long as she does not get kicked out. (my Husband was kicked out of the Adult Day Program for trying to leave)

You can hire caregivers that can help out during the day.
This can be a great solution. Use moms assets to pay for the caregivers.
You do not need the services of a Nurse, a "companion" caregiver will be less expensive. Check with agencies in your area and they can assess need and the price will vary depending on what level of care is needed. I would guess minimum would be $25.00 per hour and it will go up from there.

Check with your local Agency on Aging and or the local Senior Service Center and see if mom qualifies for any services.
If mom is a Veteran she may qualify for help from the VA If her husband is a Veteran she may qualify for services as well. Contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can answer questions and help determine what benefits she would qualify for.

I would not put a gat at the top of the stairs. If she tries to climb over the gate the risk of her falling down the stairs is VERY high.
If possible a door would work better.
Moving her bedroom to the first floor would be even better.
There are alarms that you can put under the door, they look like an old fashioned doorstop and if the door is opened the alarm will sound. (Lots of people use these when traveling and put by a hotel door)

For some people a black rug in front of a door or set of stairs might look like there is a hole in the floor and they will not step on it. (might be an option for a door you do not want her to use like basement stairs)

Placing "fake" door knobs on a door will confuse someone, they will not know what doorknob to turn to open the door.

If you bring her home give her 400 mg magnesium glycinate around 6 or 8 pm. It will help her sleep through the night. Make sure to get the glycinate version to prevent loose stool.

Home care is difficult to sustain. The things you mention, such as people coming in and out of your house and getting her to a care facility for day care, take time and management. It can’t run smoothly, ever. She might refuse to go to day care. Yes, there are night caregivers. They don’t always show up, and then what will you do? Managing home care leaves little time for anything else. Find a better memory care place for mom.

As for food for dementia patients, many have lost their sense of taste and smell. That affects what they can or will eat. They may not have a full set of teeth or be able to wear dentures. Sometimes their food needs to be cut in small pieces or be mushy because they have no idea that stuffing a huge piece of meat in their mouth will choke them. They may not know how to use a knife or be allowed to have one. Yes, that may be what’s ahead for your mom. How would you handle it at home?

I hope you find a good solution.

There are some excellent MCs out there. Perhaps you should look again

I know it's hard to see (and smell)....
but please don't go backwards, keep moving forward. You may need to sacrifice convenience for what you consider a better place.

She sounds like she is already getting worse. She is not safe in your home with stairs and kitchen access. You need your sleep. In home care costs a fortune.

Is she crying for you to take her back to your home when you visit?
Look for a better place, with activities. MC facilities are not five star hotels.
You want her safe, fed and kept clean. I don't think she is totally miserable or expects a hotel atmosphere. By the time bathing is needed done for her, total luxury is not in her thought process.

Sorry you are having doubts. Ask brother to help you find a better place.

Don’t bring her back home. You’ll be sorry that you did and constantly worry about her. Remember why you placed her. You were concerned about safety issues.

If your mom’s facility isn’t up to par, look into placing her elsewhere. Tour a few different places and ask lots of questions. Check out the reviews on each of them.

Best wishes to you and your mom.

The flooring at the memory care I am moving my mom to is sticky on purpose, so people are less likely to fall. I haven't been in a memory care yet that didn't smell a bit like the residents' diapers. They should invent a drink that makes pee and poo smell like fresh air.
As for the food, maybe it's gross looking but easier for dementia patients to swallow, I don't know.
My mother is delusional, and she was scared and miserable in her home, scared and miserable in her nice independent-living apartment, and I reckon she'll be scared and miserable in memory care.
If she were in my house, she and my husband and I would all three be scared and miserable.

You're actually "on the fence" about taking your mom out of her current memory care facility, and bringing her back to your home, and not the other way around right?
First I will say that there is NO perfect nursing facility of any kind, so you have to choose what you consider the best option available in your moms price that she can afford.
And then I'm sure you're already aware that your mom now has a 24/7 staff of many people looking after her, where you are but one person, so if you were to bring her back into your home, you would be doing the work of at least 5-6 people all by yourself, and that is after running on little to no sleep.
Can it be done? Of course if you're willing to risk your job and your health all for your moms care.
Know that 40% of dementia caregivers will die before the one they're caring for, from stress related issues. I'm sure your mom would not want you killing yourself(literally)because of her.
So if your not happy about her current living conditions, start looking for other memory care options, as there are plenty out there, before you even consider bringing her back into your home.
Best wishes in getting this all figured out.

Join Nextdoor.com and ask for recommendations. The posters there are people who are not anonymous and live in your actual community.

Spend your free time looking for a better place. They aren’t all as you describe.
Contact the home health you had coming in to bath her. Ask their social worker to help you find a place. Call your Area Agency on Aging and ask for their help. After experiencing where she is now you will have a better idea of what to look for when you visit and make a better choice for her. It is nice to have her within 10 min but not the most important thing. It’s a fine balance.

findhelp.org might be a good place to start. It’s part of Area Agency on Aging and no charge.

Have you looked into any Board and Care facilities in the area?
I would try that. Often a more home like situation with fewer people. Often family run.
I would not, under any circumstances, bring her home.
What you witness when you visit is a mind that is so introspective now that she is likely very little aware of the circumstances around her. She is too much care at this point for you to attempt safely at home in my own humble opinion.

I would begin to explore other places available where you are.
And I would hope (and pray were I a believer) for peace for your mom if I were you.
This is so very sad, and I can't imagine the suffering it causes you, but do know that it is unlikely she is experiencing it the way you are.