My father currently has many medical problems and has constantly been in the hospital or rehab. for the past six months. I have NEVER had a good relationship with him as my parents were divorced when I was a baby (I didn't like him when he WASN'T sick, and have had no relationship with him over the past several years). My sister who lives close decided to have him move in at her house. Her relationship is the complete opposite of mine and she sees him through rose colored glasses. I told her that I would help HER as much as I can, but nothing I do is ever enough and she resents me for not doing more. I told her up front that I didn't support this decision. I have helped her by going out to where he lived in another state when he was in the hospital for months (at my own expense), stayed with him in the hospital through delirum in which I was physically abused by him, helped take him to many doctors appointments once he was moved, gone over to her house and stayed for the weekend so her family could go on vacation. I have my own mental health issues with severe anxiety and depression which is exacerbated by all of this stress. I work five days a week in a job where I travel extensively as I am also the main financial and insurance provider of my own family. Long story short (I know, it's already too late), what can I do to establish boundaries? This stress is killing me...........and I just want to move or run far, far, far, away...........
Best of luck!
One last question: if you are involved because there may be an inheritance (and I'm not saying this as an accusation) then maybe it's time to give up this attachment and you will be very free to walk away. Wishing you the best in a tricky situation.
My second thought is that you unintentionally confused your sister about what your role would be. You said you disagree with her plan, but would help as much you can -- and then you list all the ways you went beyond what was reasonable for your mental health, physical health, financial health etc., going along with her plan that you say you told her you disagree with.
I don't mean to be critical of you at all in this difficult situation, but your actions and words don't seem to agree and it may be confusing the heck out of your sister as well.
I would put in writing what you are willing to do, what days monthly you are willing to do them. When she throws a fit, gently remind her that you didn't agree with the plan from the 1st and you have gone above and beyond and it is not sustainable.
Give her alternative solutions, lists of agencies, lists of facilities, housekeepers and then stick to your guns. This will probably get ugly before it gets over, but no one can make another person step up and do what they want done, she is unreasonable to request that you do caregiving because she decided. Nope, sorry, you chose this path and you have to figure it out and I am not your solution.
You can do this, hopefully your sister will see that he needs professional care and it is not worth fighting with her sister.
Hugs! What a crummy position to be put in.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author) is a really good one. Also,
This one helped me to understand why I have trouble with boundaries given that I was raised in a home with very poor boundaries.
Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin - How to Recognize and Set Healthy Boundaries
by Anne Katherine
It comes up in conversations and comments all the time. She cannot let it go.
A few weeks ago I went to her place to tell her I have cancer, and her response was this "Well, your dad will be happy to see you". WTH? I'm NOT dying and in fact, caught this so early, I fully expect a compete cure.
Even if I was actively dying--what a thoughtless thing to say to someone.
I keep trying to have a good relationship with mother and I now have simply given up It's too stressful and depressing. She becoming forgetful and says whatever comes to her mind and it's not usually nice.
I talked this over with my YB who is pretty much as off board as he can possibly be. Told him what she'd said, etc and told him I was going 'grey rock' on her ( there's a post dedicated to that going on!) Said he ABSOLUTELY HAD TO STEP UP whether he wanted to or not. I cannot and will not do any more steppin and fetchin for her.
His response was that he felt really guilty and bad, he was always happy to let me handle the 'garbage'---but not any more. For the first and only time in my life I am putting myself first.
Whether TB contacts my 2 sisters and the brother with whom mother lives--I don't know. And I don't care.
Sometimes self preserving is being tougher than you think you can be. This is not what I want, but it's what's best.
Might be best for you to walk away, too.