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I am unable to care for my mother due to being on disability. She has dementia and doesn’t qualify for Medicaid. How would I go about making her a ward of the state? My mom lives in New Jersey but I live in California but am homeless living out of my car. I have thought of killing myself since I dont know what to do. I came out to see how she was doing. My brother had to sell the house due to having to make payments for his cancer treatments and he still has to work. He can’t watch her and I can’t stay with them in his cramped apartment and handle things since I’m not all there mentally. It’s too much. I have no choice but to have my mom who I love become a ward of the state. How do I do this?

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I so hope the house your brother sold was not Moms but his. If it was Moms, those proceeds needed to go towards her care not for his Cancer treatments. Medicaid looks at that as "gifting" and would be a reason why Mom can't get Medicaid because she is being penalized. If brother holds POA and the house is Moms, his POA does not allow him to profit off her unless provisions were made in the POA.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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AlvaDeer Oct 24, 2024
Yes, exactly. I decided not to even "get into that" as the question was somewhat confusing on how it was all put.
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Please know that being a ward of a court-assigned guardian can be a good solution. It was for my SFIL, who had Parkinsons and Lewy Body dementia. He wouldn't assign anyone as his PoA. He was falling down and having nasty hallucinations and ideations about wanting to kill us. He lived with my poor MIL who herself was having memory impairment and chronic pain from a broken back injury. They couldn't take care of each other, they were in debt, had no savings and their house was in foreclosure. We were exhausting orbiting every day around 2 very needy people.

We called in social services to do an assessment. They kept their eye on my SFIL and when the time was right (because they need a legal reason) they removed him from the home and he got a legal guardian. SFIL was placed in a facility where he had a room, got fed, had his hygiene attended to, got medical care and we could visit him as much as we wanted. The guardian even called us to ask about his personal preferences. When the guardian communicated with us, there was oversight and accountability from at least 2 other people from Lutheran Social Services (who employed the guardian).

Please... this is not something to kill yourself over!! There is a solution! As others have suggested, contact APS and just try to keep her case moving.

There is another possible strategy: your brother calls 911 and tells them his Mom is "not herself" and may have an untreated UTI (he should not mention dementia since this isn't considered a medical emergency). When they take her to the ER your brother should go with her and explain that she is an unsafe discharge, due to his cancer diagnosis and treatments. He should not believe any story from the discharge staff that they will "help" him once she gets home. Under no circumstances should he take her back home! The hospitals only want to discharge people, period. Then he should ask to talk to their social worker and explain she has no PoA, no financial means and is an unsafe discharge. It is very possible they will discharge her directly into a facility.

May you have peace in your heart as you help your brother and Mom!
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Reply to Geaton777
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Your brother lives where your mother does. He is the only one who has any chance of helping her. He is also the one who understands why she didn't qualify for Medicaid, and what to do about that. So the truth is that you allow your brother to manage this and you seek psychological counseling for yourself, and handle yourself. If you cannot be well in your own mind and body you do not have the reserves to act for anyone else.

Your brother will have access to APS in his own state. You can tell him that, at the point he can no longer handle things himself, to call APS and suggest they take guardianship by the state for your mother.

The suicide hotline nationally is 988. Please call that number any time night or day that you need to speak with someone. See your own doctor to discuss your suicidal ideation.

I wish you the very best and am so sorry that you are going through this.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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DD, I'm sorry you are going through this! As for the Medicaid question, I'm not sure, others will know more about that.

But please call suicide hotline number.

Please don't feel bad for not being able to take care of mom. Many people can't, sometimes it's health, physical, mental or monetary. There are lots of reason. You have no reason to feel guilty, mom got old you did cause her aging, you did nothing wrong.

As for living in your car, I'm so sorry, are you working towards getting help?

Please please call suicide hotline, they may be able to help you find help so you can get on your feet.

Please let us know how you are doing
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Please call the suicide hotline number at 988, and get the help you need. PLEASE!
And call Adult Protective Services in the city where your mother lives and report a vulnerable adult with dementia living by herself, and explain your situation and they will go and investigate and if need be they will take over her care and she will become a ward of the state. Let her state handle things and her, and you just worry about getting yourself back on the right track.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Call aps where she is and explain the circumstances. Follow that up with a letter saying you are across the country and disabled yourself.

Thats really all one can do here.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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