My father (68) has been living in an assisted living facility for the past few months, since his ex-girlfriend no longer wanted him living with her and he couldn't live on his own. Lately, I have been noticing some very concerning behavior, and finally got him admitted to the hospital. I have been taking him to doctor's appointments, dealing with constant calls of his off behavior by the assisted living, and him having moments of passing out. We have finally got his passing out under control, but his inappropriate behavior is becoming worse. I've noticed he becomes more and more confused as the day goes on, and normal things that should be easy for him are not. I am pushing his doctors to evaluate him for dementia and see what we need to do, but I am so tired from dealing with him. He gets naked in front of me, which makes me so uncomfortable, and constantly believes different delusions. My sister tells me to be patient with him, that I have to remember this is not him, but she is not the one with him all the time.
I have had a difficult relationship with my dad, I felt abandoned by him so many times, and I try to move past it, but lately all those feelings keep coming up. And I feel like crying or yelling at him to just be my dad, but I know I can't. I have forgiven him for the past, but I can't forget it. And I feel like I am constantly grieving the dad I don't have. I am the POA and HCP, so I am trying to get his affairs in order to ensure we can provide the best care for him, but sometimes I just want to cry in my bed and never leave. How do I handle this?
This is called Sundowning, a common phenomenon with dementia. Scientists don't really know for sure why it happens but theorize that it has to do with the decrease in light and lengthening of shadows, a visual reaction, but also maybe the darkness triggers their fears and creates confusion. There's not much you can do about it if he's not living with you, in which case you'd be installing daylight spectrum bulbs and turning them on sooner in the afternoons. I agree with the others who have suggested that you don't have to be there for every little thing for him. Pace yourself. Work on your grief. Be kind to yourself.
Ask the director if his needs are beyond their ability to safely care for him and get a needs assessment done. Because you can't deal with the constant calls about his behavior.
Just because you are his POA doesn't mean you need to be at his beck and call. Quite frankly that's why these facilities charge big bucks and they need to handle what they are getting paid for or tell you his care is beyond them so you can get him placed where they can deal with him.
Do you tell him to not get undressed? Do you leave when he does? Because it is okay for you to correct his inappropriate behavior and walk away if he persists. You matter too!