I call my mom who lives in an AL Facility every day. How do I deal with her negativity? She complains nonstop!

Sounds like my MIL who is incapable of being 'happy'. Truly, I have never seen her in a moment of true joy. She is miserable and complaining about stuff that happened 70 years ago. She tells the story of my DH's birth like it happened yesterday--and her hatred of her long-deceased ex hsuband is still very fresh in her mind.

If she is calling you--just screen her calls. There's no point whatsoever in listening to the same complaints all day. It will start to get to you, if it hasn't already.

If you spoke to my MIL you would think this woman never had a joyful second in her life. It's bizarre. I stopped speaking to her over 2 years ago. I simply could not handle the negativity. She is getting worse as she ages (she's 92) and poor DH--he sees her # on caller ID and gets upset immediately.

Sadly, at this stage, nothing can be done. She hates everybody but her daughter, who is an absolute saint.

Boundaries. Maybe take 1 call a day and keep it light. You need to not let her poison you with her anger & unhappiness.

Sounds very difficult for you. My mum has Parkinsons and lives at home with my dad, and even though my mum is at home I can relate to your plight. My mum has a very negative mindset about old age in general and how hard everything is for her etc I do my best to direct conversation like you are doing to other topics and talk about things I am doing or my kids (her grandkids) or gardening or cooking but invariably she directs the conversation right back to her sorrowful situation. I have stopped asking 'how are you?' though. When I decide her negativity is too much for me and affecting my emotional health, I politely leave, feeling a lot less guilt about my departure now too. What I take from it when I reflect is ....this serves as a really good reminder of how NOT to behave when I get to her age and may. have health issues. In all honesty, her negativity has been the same when she was younger too , its just got worse as she has aged.

You have to set boundaries.

Whether this is not calling everyday, keeping the calls short, telling her you can't listen to the same complaints daily or whatever works for you. You have to take control of what you allow yourself to be subjected to.

I would try to find her a pen pal and see if that doesn't give her something positive to do and look forward to. Even a little kid sending pictures and notes can be beneficial to her.

At the facility SO works at, all staff are told at the new hire not to ask how are you. They instead say that it’s good to see you, mrs smith.

And I see/speak to her approx every 2 wks, any sooner would be too much for me. As she is with my dad , I can leave it for 2 wks. When/if she is alone...I try not to think about that

You didn't say how long she's been there, so either she's having a tough time adjusting, or she has adjusted to the view that she's never going to like it.

PeggySue commented below 'At the facility SO works at, all staff are told at the new hire not to ask how are you. They instead say that it’s good to see you, mrs smith.', which is a brilliant approach, starting out the interaction, with a positive topspin.

Maybe trying something like that. You mentioned ''I've tried to redirect the conversation by bringing up topics in the news, activities of family members, events in my own life.' - don't give up on that, but continue to expand on it by writing down any interesting topic you come across in your life to share with her.

Don't give up....

As age advances with its myriad of issues, whatever “happy” was for your mother may well be past. So limit your exposure, call and be cheerful, listen to your limit of negativity and no more, then get off the phone, and go do something positive and pleasant. It also can’t hurt to ask mom’s doctor if a med for depression or anxiety might help her mood. A small daily dose of Zoloft was a huge help to my dad during his last years. He often called it his “attitude medicine” and it certainly did help his attitude. But in any event, know you’re never obligated to listen to an endless tirade of complaints, it’s bad for the soul

I don't have an answer for you as I am going through the same thing with my 90 year old mother-in-law. She still lives in her own home and has 24/7 care due to two falls and now dementia. Negativity, stubbornness, depression, meanness and anxiety which she is on medication for is a constant I try to turn the negativity around also to something nice, but her life is so miserable, that she can find negativity about EVERYTHING!! Granted her life is not great and she has had to recover from a fractured hip which was healing fine until she fell again and fractured her shoulder. She has needed help for seven months now. I am taking her to a neurologist in a couple of weeks to have her formally diagnosed with dementia. I'm hoping we can get different meds for her. She has been mean and argumentative to her wonderful caregivers (God love them for their patience+) She doesn't communicate well thoughts, words and names just don't come to her. She gets very frustrated when you don't understand what she is trying to say. She refuses to leave her home and go to Assisted Living and I don't think they would take/keep her very long anyway. She thinks she can still take care of everything in her old house, but she can't so I make sure everything is taken care of and she resents that. Of course she denies any thing is wrong with her. She lived alone for 15 years after her husband of 50 years passed and has been fairly independent since then. She just can't be any more. It is very sad and frustrating! I can sympathize with your situation. The best of luck! Above all.....take care of yourself mentally. I have learned that you can only do your best. Nothing will be appreciated, so you have to get past that and realize your mom can't help it. Bless you!!

I've dealt with the same thing with my mom. The negatively can be so draining! Here are some ideas: 1. Do not call every day to have the same conversation. 2. Tell her, "We can only control us. ____ is something we have no control over." Then move on. I was suprised that this worked with Mom. 3. When you visit, take something (meal, treat) that she enjoys.

Good Luck with that! My 89 yr old mom also is negative. Assisted Living is not a nursing home so staffing is way less available. I tell my mom “if you want more attention from staff we could move you to a nursing home”. As much as she complains…. the very things we pay for assistance with she refuses their help!! Like showers. She will fall sneaking in the shower by her self. Laundry.. she will hand wash clothes. They do a great job with clothing..nothing lost and very well done. I have decided old women do complain. When it get tiresome I cut my visit short. That often helps slow down the complaints. I think maybe cut your call short if redirection does not work.

Stop calling every day... and if she calls you don't answer. Very simple solution.

Don't interrupt and let her say everything, even those things you've heard many times in the same conversation.
Don't ask questions that you know (from experience probably) will generate a negative response.
Don't respond, don't point out positives or try to get her to see things differently.
Simple responses "Oh, sorry that is happening" even though that doesn't mean you are taking responsibility.
Change the subject as soon as possible as gently as possible.
Sometimes this may be the only way our loved ones can try to regain some of what they have lost. Just a thought...
Best of luck, and if you haven't heard it from her lately, "thank you!"

I agree with a lot of the posts here.
Set some boundaries and just come to expect it. She's not being negative because she's not grateful or is trying to make your life miserable. She herself has not dealt with her own issues (eg. oncoming mortality, being vulnerable, personal regrets/failures, etc, etc...). Just don't confuse her state of mind as any kind of reflection on your part. Its entirely her own ordeal to own. You're doing the best you can.

What I like to do is to try and get a little smart with responses in a lighthearted, non offensive manners. (my mother was a negative anxiety ridden person for most of my life).

Eg. Hey there ma, how was the movie they showed at the facility?
m). It was terrible. All movies are just about young people nowadays.
~Fascinating critique. Tell me more about your perspectives on young vs old movies.
~Maybe the old people movies just werent profitable enough.
~Think you could do better? What kind of story would you tell?

Those places are horrible can't blame her for complaining

alot of the posts are very mean wonder how they would feel in an AL

Sometimes people are in fact negative because they are ungrateful, and only feel happy when they can bring someone else down. Regardless, you can't change another person but you can set a boundary for yourself to follow.

For example when she starts down the path of unending misery you can say "oh dear, sounds like you're having a terrible day. I'll try to catch you another day when things are better" and hang up. She may or may not shape up a little eventually but you're not a public dump for her emotional garbage.

My mother was the same way. My DH once asked her to name ONE thing she was grateful for, and for the life of her, she could not. There's no way to fix this level of chosen misery, except to avoid it as much as possible to preserve your own inner peace. Keep the conversations short and the visits short. Bring snacks and photos or phone videos to distract her from the litany of complaints she'll be ready to read off to you when you get there. And do not tell her to stop complaining either, because if she's like my mother she'll say, "I'm not complaining, I'm just TALKING." Which is kind of like the guy who yells BOMB on an airplane trying to tell the arresting officer he was just TALKING when he said that. Nice try.

Good luck.

The best way to deal with a negative person is to AGREE with them. My sister was that way…she’d complain about something, and had a million reasons why whatever someone suggested wouldn’t work if they offered solutions. She could talk for hours!
Try: “Wow, that really sounds awful.” “I’m sorry that’s happening.” “That sounds rough!”
It didn’t solve anything - she wasn’t looking for a solution, just someone to complain to. But it DID shut her up. A phone conversation was no longer upsetting to ME, which is what happened when I tried to find solutions. Good luck!👍🏼

You are not alone. Sounds much like my mom! Though not in a care home, she complains about EVERYTHING!! Cognitively she's okay, no dementia, just depressed and sees the world through a 'gray' lens. Nothing I (nor her 3x week aide) do is right. It IS very draining!!

I know her world has gotten smaller, body doesn't work like it is supposed to anymore, so I tell myself to try to be patient/understanding. I live hours away, but visit, almost monthly now, trying to help her with major/minor things. She undermines/undoes or complains about much of what I do. I've taken to just doing what needs to be done, w/o getting her input/buy-in (like getting hearing aids which she refuses to wear, making social plans with her friends to get her out of the house, arranging for house repairs, buying groceries); I know that's not good, but sometimes it is the only way to get anything done. In person, I can handle three days, any longer and I end up a wreck!! More often than not I end phone calls abruptly - "Gotta go now!" I feel terrible, but it's self-preservation.

I've tried talking with her various helping agencies, medical and MH people, even tried enlisting a Geriatric Care Manager, but she doesn't want me talking with them. I've been very clear "I need help here, some 'boots on the ground'." - to focus on: safety at home, pain mgmt (her knees, she can barely walk), transportation and her isolation. I am doing it all.

Knee surgery is scheduled for next month (should have been done 10 years ago; I finally just started making appts for her to be evaluated and moved things along.) I will have to be there for weeks before/after surgery. Need to know that I have a support system. What/How much to tell/ask of her doctors and helping agencies?

Increasing the aide hours isn't the issue, she barely lets her do anything - just laundry and grocery shopping; won't even let the aide into her bedroom to change sheets or to clean bathroom. She won't even tell the aide she is having surgery!!

When PT comes to the house after surgery, they will see that parts of her house are unsafe, barely passable. She won't let me or the aide touch anything, throw anything out.

She lives alone in a big, beautiful house - that our father built. He left 40 years ago - could not take it anymore. He is gone now; I took care of him for the last six years of his life w/ dementia and cancer. It was hard, but I did a good job. He was a delight; I have great memories of our time together; would not trade that experience for anything.

Mom's neediness is also affecting my brother, who lives next door; he has looked after her for decades, but has fewer personal resources/skills to handle her neediness and expectations. His and his wife's health is declining and his marriage is falling apart. I worry about him. Moving is not an option for him as he runs a business on the property. Our two other siblings just ignore her as much as possible.

Thanks for the sounding board. I know many of you have had similar experiences. Any suggestions?

I have a friend who is just a Negative person, as she ages. She always has something to complain about. She now lives in Assisted Living. Some of the things she complains about we found out later to be false, other things are very minor - but to her they are Very Big Things Indeed!

Think of how her life has been compressed into one tiny room, how many of her loved belongings she has had to abandon, maybe she even had to give up a beloved pet of many years. Now she sits alone in a new place where she knows no one (and fears no one will like her). These are all her valid fears.

As we go about our busy lives, it’s hard to remember how Small their lives have become. Even if they’re still in their own home, life as they have always known it is over.

Perhaps you can arrange an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can assist both of you and suggest new ways to cope with each other and in all of life's challenges. Please put yourself in your mother's position and ask yourself how you would handle depression and anxiety: compassion and empathy are great methods of seeing things from others' perspectives. Until you get professional help, don't call every day.

Don’t call every day.

Set a timer on your phone to end the call. Find some funny youtube videos to watch while she is flapping her gums. Make an occasional grunt to ensure she thinks you are listening to her complaints. When the timer ends, find an excuse to end the call and let her know you will talk to her again tomorrow.

I have 2 elderly parents who are both negative. Each complains about the other when alone with me and my mom totally dogs out my dad in front of anyone. She loves an audience. Visiting them makes me extremely anxious and depressed.

Similar to what someone else posted, I had an aunt with whom I was very close. After working on her for 2 years, I managed to get her into an AL facility. She COMPLAINED, OMG. After a week, her granddaughter stopped by to visit right after lunch and most people had left the dining room. My aunt was still sitting at the table with several of her new friends with whom she dined daily. They were LAUGHING and just yucking it up, having a great time. Her granddaughter immediately texted me with "You would not believe this!"

She adjusted to living there, made friends and regularly played bingo, UNO and Wii bowling.

That's a tough situation for both of you. She's feeling ignored and possibly neglected. And you're burning out from the negativity. You could try to frame the conversation at the beginning. Let her know you can give her X minutes for the negative things, then the rest of the conversation has to be more positive. When she circles back, gently let her know that this isn't the part of the chat for the negative comments. Or you can hold a boundary and let her know if she continues to be negative, you'll have to end the call and try her again when she's in a better mood. That's not likely to be well received. You can start a gratitude practice with her. You can ask her to relate 1 good thing from the day, and you do the same for her.

I suggest you acknowledge her distress. Try to find out what exactly is at the root. Unfamiliarity? Boredom? Neglect? Abuse? What does she want improved? Maybe you can help problem solve.

Based on my experience, the stories I've heard and read, and my direct observations - many long-term-care facilities are nothing more than "warehouses for the elderly" if not effectively prisons. Maybe her complaints are justified.

I have a friend whose mother's TV wasn't working for over 6 months. In addition, there is no option for music in the room, and activities are few and far between.

I have a Mother that is just like this. But I don't ever remember her being a positive person. I have been dealing with this for a solid year now. I am a trigger for her. She is in Memory Care. She is far from being stupid. I learned when she gets ugly, I tell her so and I leave. Always hoping she would remember to try and be nice my next visit. This is all I know to do.

Her own room! I could only wish for that! She is probably bored and depressed and absorbed in her own miseries, Perhaps she has never been one to look around and see what she might do to be helpful or at least friendly to others. If she had that mindset and was capable of certain activities or social contact, she might enhance her life by looking for others at the facility who need company or help. If she has always been self-absorbed and focused inward, she will dwell on her own dissatisfactions.

Maybe stop calling every day. It will give you a little break from her complaining. She is not going to change so you need to remove yourself from her negative voice.

All great answers (helping me as well) as I have the same situation with my 93 year old mom who is in AL. Nothing is ever good enough/perfect, it’s all a “shamble” here, gets angry, mean to staff if it’s not done her way, etc. The pleasantries I used to have with her are gone, and she is worse since dad passed 3yrs ago. I do not answer her calls, let them go to voice mail to screen. She has caused my anxiety at night, my frustration and anger towards her. At times I do not like who I’ve become just because of her, but my husband is a godsend and keeps me sane. If she gets nasty in person or on the phone, I stop listening, leave, or find a reason to end the call/hang up on her. Yes, I have told her to her face how mean and negative she has become to her family but it goes unchanged as she doesn’t think she is the cause of the problem.
So…my advice is to not let your mom control or destroy your life. I am surprised that you talk to her daily, why?, unless you want her to keep dragging you down with her. I chose not to, and feel much better. I do not have the guilt that I used to. If this is how your (or my mom) chooses to live out their life, so be it. Best of luck, sending you positivity and hugs.