Thank you for suggestions. After wallowing between guilt/should and the realization that despite 3 separate times in counseling I not going to be able to be her caregiver (too great a risk for both of us) I am going to stop trying to get her to change her financial and obsessive behaviors. She lives 3 hours from me and my bf and I went over for 3 days at Christmas. Two days after we came home she called her neighbor saying she was having chest pain which was indigestion. Since we had work requirements I did not head over there til the ER said she was A one. She joked at ER saying she was doing it for attention but since it has happened 3 times in 20 years to me that is a tell.this is the tip of the iceberg in her toolkit of behaviors.
We are looking into filing the DMV unsafe driver report on the condition that neighbors and 2 family members will provide me with specifics besides "scary". If she loses her license she will be stranded she is in a small town of 800 people with nearest services an hour away. Also her reaction to me will be that of a rabid animal understandable but I haven't the resources to shield myself.
Bother my daughter and I feel she can do what she wants with her own life but if we do not protect others it is not right.
Hell maybe we are all wrong a d DMV will clear her. Then the worst thing is I will become the awful bad seed and she can tell everyone.
Well you know that getting her license revoked is just the beginning right? Do you really think she will stop driving if she loses her license? If she still has access to a car, she can still drive (just not legally).
Narcissistic mother, abuse, refuses to give up driving.... oh yeah this is all familiar territory to me.
Geaton gave you good advice, and your going to get a lot of good advice on this forum.
My advice is that you do NOT move her in with you OR near you EVER. Keep your distance from her and disown HER problems. Report her to the DMV to keep other people safe and don't obligate yourself to anything else.
My advice is hindsight advice because I did those things and am now living with the regret and mess. Children of narcissists need warned more than anyone else against the dangers of trying to care for your elderly abuser. Their mere existence can be a trigger for PTSD symptoms. Elder care even in the best most loving families is a challenge, throw in past abuse and emotional damage and it's a nightmare.
Lily, you are under no obligation to provide care for her but you obviously have a compassionate heart and a conscience, so being conflicted about what to do for her (or whether to do anything) is understandable. Also, you don't need to be "afraid" of her -- she has NO control over you. YOU can give her control...but please don't.
If you know for a fact that her driving is dangerous, you can go online to the DMV of the state that she resides in and anonymously report her. They will probably send her a letter calling her in for an eye or road test. If she passes but you are very certain she is a danger you can disable her car and then offer to take it in for "repairs" then just keep stalling and don't give it back. Others have done this. I've done the reporting thing and that definitely works. Or, you can help her find alternative ways to get places, like Uber or friends/neighbors. Your mom had her whole life to make plans for her sunset years. It is not your problem that she didn't adequately plan. Blessings!
I'm sure that to you those two points form part of a whole series of thoughts about your mother, your relationship with her, and how she is to be cared for in old age; but to outsiders the connection isn't quite as clear as it might be.
You will find yourself in good company on this forum, where many people have discussed the difficulties of fulfilling responsibilities they do feel towards a parent who - to be blunt about it - has no business to expect their child's help. If you feel like saying a little more about your situation, I'm sure you'll get helpful and supportive replies.
Can you give us a little more detail, that will help us make suggestions that might be helpful in your situation . . . .
What type of care does she need? Is she capable of caring for herself? Are home care aides/nurses a possibility? Does she live in your town, or far away? Any other siblings who can help with care? Is she financially able to be on her own or pay for help, or afford an assisted living situation? IS she still driving?
Any more you can add to help us give you some suggestions?
We are looking into filing the DMV unsafe driver report on the condition that neighbors and 2 family members will provide me with specifics besides "scary". If she loses her license she will be stranded she is in a small town of 800 people with nearest services an hour away. Also her reaction to me will be that of a rabid animal understandable but I haven't the resources to shield myself.
Bother my daughter and I feel she can do what she wants with her own life but if we do not protect others it is not right.
Hell maybe we are all wrong a d DMV will clear her. Then the worst thing is I will become the awful bad seed and she can tell everyone.
Geaton gave you good advice, and your going to get a lot of good advice on this forum.
My advice is that you do NOT move her in with you OR near you EVER. Keep your distance from her and disown HER problems. Report her to the DMV to keep other people safe and don't obligate yourself to anything else.
My advice is hindsight advice because I did those things and am now living with the regret and mess. Children of narcissists need warned more than anyone else against the dangers of trying to care for your elderly abuser. Their mere existence can be a trigger for PTSD symptoms. Elder care even in the best most loving families is a challenge, throw in past abuse and emotional damage and it's a nightmare.
If you know for a fact that her driving is dangerous, you can go online to the DMV of the state that she resides in and anonymously report her. They will probably send her a letter calling her in for an eye or road test. If she passes but you are very certain she is a danger you can disable her car and then offer to take it in for "repairs" then just keep stalling and don't give it back. Others have done this. I've done the reporting thing and that definitely works. Or, you can help her find alternative ways to get places, like Uber or friends/neighbors. Your mom had her whole life to make plans for her sunset years. It is not your problem that she didn't adequately plan. Blessings!
You are not able to take her on.
I'm sure that to you those two points form part of a whole series of thoughts about your mother, your relationship with her, and how she is to be cared for in old age; but to outsiders the connection isn't quite as clear as it might be.
You will find yourself in good company on this forum, where many people have discussed the difficulties of fulfilling responsibilities they do feel towards a parent who - to be blunt about it - has no business to expect their child's help. If you feel like saying a little more about your situation, I'm sure you'll get helpful and supportive replies.
Can you give us a little more detail, that will help us make suggestions that might be helpful in your situation . . . .
What type of care does she need? Is she capable of caring for herself? Are home care aides/nurses a possibility? Does she live in your town, or far away? Any other siblings who can help with care? Is she financially able to be on her own or pay for help, or afford an assisted living situation? IS she still driving?
Any more you can add to help us give you some suggestions?