SAD. It's been a year and I feel like he just died yesterday. I wish I had of let him know how much I loved him, when we were on the way to the hospital it was our last car ride together and I was pretty much just silent, we just barely talked, I wish I was more compassionate, and I feel guilty for not talking my Dad out of having that surgery (Whipple procedure). The surgery was excruciating, Doctors told us how BAD it would be. I know my dad would have still died from cancer, and I know it would of been uncomfortable for him but ...STILL I JUST WISH I COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND STOP the DECISION. The surgery just so painful I miss my Dad and I feel so GUILTY!
My dad was on hospice in a nursing home. The last time I was with him he was out of his mind. I just held him and stroked his hair until he calmed down. A couple of days later I had to work 3 12-hour shifts in a row. At the end of the second 12-hour shift it occurred to me to go visit my dad but it was 10pm, my shift started early the next morning and I decided to go the next night instead. When I got home I called the nursing home to see how my dad was. He had just died. Had I stopped off to visit with him I would have been with him when he died.
Initially I got a twinge of guilt but then I realized that I didn't know he was going to die that night. He had only been on hospice for 4 days. I thought it was too soon. I had to work the next day from 9a-9p on a grueling, physically challenging shift and I made the decision to go home and go to bed instead of stopping off at the nursing home. I wish I had. Of course I do. But I made the decision in that moment with the information I had available to me. I postponed seeing him for 24 hours and he died that night. I wish I had been there but I had to do what I thought was best in that moment.
Relieve yourself of that guilt, it's a useless and toxic emotion.
It sounds like your dad had pancreatic cancer (?) and that is a brutal killer, whatever steps are taken to help.
You don't control the universe and you didn't control your dad. You're giving yourself credit for far more power than you had. You were a loving daughter who did the very best you could for your dad at the time. I'm sure your dad knew that and felt your love.
Please honor his memory by feeling good about him and not bad about yourself. That doesn't serve his memory or your love for him. {{{Hugs}}}
(((Hugs)))
I think the first year is the worst.
My Dad also suffered the last week of his life.
I was pretty much paralyzed the last week. The decisions I made on his behalf and dealing with Drs and the Hospital pretty much consumed me. But, I was there doing the best I could for him under the circumstances. He knew I loved him. I know he appreciated everything I did. The words were never spoken between us.
If I had known then what I know now I would have done things different. But I just went with the info I had. That’s all we can do.
The anniversary date and birthdays should get easier. I hope your heart and head allow you to move on.
Try to stay busy and try not to be alone.
close to you
You were a great daughter supporting his decisions that he made and he knew you loved him until the end.
That’s what’s most important.
See All Answers