I can't stand living with my mother in law. It has been 10 progressively worse years and I am truly at my whits end. It's really come down to debating on leaving this relationship because I just can't bear to be here in this house with her any longer. Sharing a bathroom, kitchen, living space that she wants to clean with a dirty rag after I've cleaned with antibacterial cleaner is so frustrating. I can't come home and relax ever without being judged, watched and questioned. I really don't know what to do. My partner doesn't see an answer for this. I'm so done and yet I feel trapped.
If it is not your home, I would move out, your partner has showed you who they are, believe them.
Time to do what is right for YOU.
Partner doesn't see an answer because they are not looking for one. The set up works for him/her.
'Two Queens in one Castle' can bring tension but then again, sometimes can work quite well.. especially if each has defined roles eg the elder woman provides childcare, cleaning & meal prep/cooking while the younger woman works fulltime.
Or maybe the elder provides free or cheaper rent housing in exchange for household chores & maintenance.
Different standards of cleaning are mentioned - hopefully this could be worked out with communication, compromise or defined areas you each look after.
However being unable to relax in your own home is very tough. One poster created her own reading nook that was her own Do Not Disturb zone.
If this is 'MIL's' house you will have Buckley's chance of getting her to stay in her own room & give you run of the house.
As said if just living together, she is not your MIL. Time for an ultimatum, Mom or me. Just make sure your ducks are in a row. That you can live in ur own. By living together you don't have the rights of a woman who has been married 15 yrs. Consult with a lawyer.
When dealing with questions as serious and painful as yours, there is often no “good” answer. No matter what you decide, or your partner decides, or even what the 2 of you decide if you are able to come together to make some sort of mutual decision, someone in your household is likely to be unhappy.
I don’t see anything about the older woman’s age or condition. How dependent is she on your SO?
Have you explicitly detailed your concerns to at least your partner?
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Only a few states recognize common law marriages, and each has specific stipulations as to what relationships are included:
Alabama
Colorado
District of Columbia
Georgia (if created before 1/1/97)
Idaho (if created before 1/1/96)
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)
Ohio (if created before 10/10/91)
Oklahoma (possibly only if created before 11/1/98. Oklahoma’s laws and court decisions may be in conflict about whether common law marriages formed in that state after 11/1/98 will be recognized.)
Pennsylvania (if created before 1/1/05)
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas
Utah
Now you must make your own choice. That has been coming for 10 years. I hope you have divided your assets so that your own money is safe; I hope that you have been preparing for your exit so that it can be clean and without animosity.
Nothing in your house is going to change. You either decide now to peaceably stay and adjust, or you make the decision to leave and get on with your life. You might want to suggest relationship counseling, but I would think in 10 years that was already suggested.
I wish you the best.
Tell him/her that either mom goes or you do, then follow through.