I can’t stomach eating meals with my elderly parent when I visit because of the smell. I will bring him food and say I’m not hungry. Any suggestions?

I couldn't eat at my mom's house and I told her why. She wouldn't quit trying to feed me and I couldn't risk getting sick from the environmental additives to any meal.

I would be honest and try to create resources that deal with the problem. I was never successful in getting services for my mom, she didn't see a problem with her house :-(

Seems he needs a home health care aide to come in daily to help with those issues. Talk to him about that. Otherwise, tell him the truth, light candles, use room sprays, take out the trash...

Is the urine smell due to there being urine all over the house? Or, is it because he doesn’t change his protective brief often enough? If he doesn’t wear protection he needs to start. If its all over the house you need a professional to clean, and even then they may not be able to get the smell out of the house. You need to tell him why you can’t eat with him, but only after figuring out what is wrong.

JuJu212: Inform him that you MAY (key word - may) be willing to share a meal with him at his apartment after he is able to successfully accomplish ADLs (Activities of Daily Living). After having read the nudity part on this thread, it reminded me of a relative, who unfortunately suffered from vascular dementia. Perhaps your father is well beyond living alone in an apartment and may require facility living.

What an awe fun situation for you both. He’s probably lonely and meal time is the loneliest. Maybe you can eat there the days the housekeeper comes so the place is nice and fresh. Maybe once a week is not enough for a housekeeper to help him. Just some idea. Best of luck.

Try to obtain a cleaning service for him and arrange some one to take the garbage out more than 1x week. Consider having a home care services come to apt and assess his " level of care needs" ( since you cannot take him to doctor). If he is a veteran, he may qualify for services thru VA that may help. If he is not able to provide appropriate hygiene for himself, he may qualify for some other level of care needs, maybe even going on Medicaid and being placed in ltcf medicaid bed if financial needs dictate. His safety and hygiene are important and your peace of mind. Get help to further assess needs and services available.
If he is not compliant to allow this, you can always call APS and report conditions in the home.
Or, call 911, have them transport him to ER , get assessment and options from social services there.

Practice self care

Incontinence can be addressed by a gastroenterologist; if not, I would move my loved one to a nursing home and visit outside.

https://gi.org/topics/fecal-incontinence/

Calling Adult Protective Services to come to Dad's place mid-week before the caretaker comes can help them place Dad.

Look for a good facility on the Medicare website. The most important factors for me placing my brother were the overall rating and the resident care. We found one that had a Medicaid bed. They were great. Some of the staff cried when he passed after living there for eleven months. There are good ones out there but you’re have to look for them.

he needs to be put away somewhere with 24/7 care. you have to think of a fire possibilty. how does he get to the drs? call your county dept of aging for advice.

Eating involves many senses. In fact, the sense of smell is very closely tied to our ability to taste food and directly influences our appetites. Many adults experience a reduction in their senses of smell and taste as they age. This dulling of the senses greatly affects how seniors perceive food.
Matilda

You first wrote to this forum about your father last May.

Other than bring over food, what do you do for him? Do you take him to doctor appointments? Do you take him to grocery shop? Do you do his grocery shopping?

Are you enabling his "independence"?

Don't you think he needs facility care at this point?

My grandmother had the same issue in her retirement home. We realized the smell was from her mattress. Check chairs, mattress, couch. There may have been an accident that didn't get taken care of.

Before hospice, my friends place smelled like that. I told him and we deordorize the room with lysol spray. He could not smell it. I smelled him and no ordor. The smell was in his couch.
My wife has the problem and has accidents. I use a wet-dry vaccum to extract the urine, cover with puppy absorbent sheet to dry, remove, and spray with disinfectant. Flush toilet to clear smell. We flush minimal due to national water shortage. We put shower water in buckets to use as flush water. I wash down the bathroom with disinfectant. I check the bedroom and hallway carpet for wet spots.
A natural alternative deorderizer is a solution of 1 part vinegar and 1 part Baking soda and water in a sprayer. I hope this helps.

Negotiate. “Clean up and I will eat with you and we will discuss a plan to achieve your basic “activities of daily living”.

Lok into Palative Care

Place him in a safe facility.

My sister says I shouldn’t call APS because “they will put him in a home where he might be hit or neglected and he could get Covid again.” He got it after he went to hospital for UTI. He took antiviral and recovered in two weeks with no problems. I’m going to bring him some homemade soup tomorrow and just honestly tell him I’m sad to see him living like that. I will eventually call APS. If he falls again and can’t get up, he could die especially if he hits his head.

Oh, my..I thought this was bad then you mentioned the nudity thing and everything went sideways for me.

A housekeeper is coming once a WEEK? You can't accomplish ANYTHING in a 2 hr cleaning once a week. I BET the place smells.

Sounds like he has developed nose-blindness. He can't smell himself or his home! And he's probably perfectly fine with it too. I'm kinda gagging right now, thinking about it.

It really is time to move him to a place where he can be washed and fed and cared for appropriately, and you know that, don't you?

No, he can't roam around an ALF naked, sorry. But he's kind of given you no choice!

Does he live in a home or an apartment? Apartments often share air, even when well built and well insulated. We used to manage apartments and I routinely had to tell the tenant upstairs from us that she HAD to wash the baby's diapers. I can't even imagine what his neighbors are thinking--has anyone reached out to you?

If he can dress when he knows you're coming over, why can't he dress daily? At least in shorts and a t shirt. Who wants to look at a naked obese, smelly man while they eat?

It does sound like he is not capable of caring for himself in any kind of manner that would be considered "healthy".

At the EOL for my FIL, he wanted to be naked all the time. I wouldn't do one thing for him if he wouldn't put on pants. He also had double incontinence and simply tossed a damp towel on any 'accidents'....took me a while to figure out that one. After he died every single thing in his condo had to be cleaned, painted over with KILZ and all flooring ripped up and re done. EVERYTHING in the place had absorbed the smells, from urine and feces to trash---his built in wooden bookshelves took 2 months to 'out-gas' the smell. A SMELL.

IDK why some people have such a hard time with basic cleanliness. Being obese makes it worse. This is a problem that bowls of vinegar set out to 'clean the air' is just not going to make it.

My nephew has a neurological problem that effects his reasoning. He is 300lbs on a small frame. He wears those nylon shorts in the Summer its gross. He has a BO problem. Should be showering every day but doesn't. One reason because he probably doesn't want to, the other because he can't get clean enough with his weight. I set him up in his apt 4 years ago last Sept. Last a January he landed in the hospital. I had not been his apt since I set him up. He is a hoarder of the weirdest things. I love him, he is reallyba nice guy but I can't have him living with me. If I have to pick him up, I say wash from head to foot, every nook and crannie. I tell him him when he sticks. The smell makes me sick. So I can imagine what u walk into.

Is the housekeeper only there once a week? If more then the trash can be taken out more often. No food goes into my trash can. I have a mini trash can I line with a zip lock bag. All food not eaten goes in there. When full I zip up and throw in the trash outside. For my kitchen trashcan, all food cans get rinsed out. No food is left in take out containers and they get rinsed out too. I can go a week and no smell from that can. Of course, my mini can is taken out every other day or so.

Does Dad wear Depends. If not he should. If he can't find ones big enough then have him put a tab one in his jocks. Better than nothing. Then you buy a trashcan where the lid fit tightly and line it with a trash bag. Put some kind of deodorant inside. When Dad soils a diaper, it goes into that trash can. Again, though, it needs to be taken out more than once a week.

Actually, I give u credit for doing as much as u do, I would not enter my Dads home if he was like this. There has to be some mental decline to think this is OK. For the smell bowls of vinegar around may help. Hope he is paying his housekeeper well.

Your father needs more housekeeping services than a person coming in once a week.
He also needs an aide coming in daily to help him with his personal hygiene.
Nobody likes to eat alone and that is understandable. If you hire a caregiver the three of you (your father, the caregiver, and yourself) can start going out of the apartment together.
Your father needs more help in his home.

JuJu, I'm so sorry about this situation. My brother was in similar decline, not obese, but unable to care for himself properly. I was heartbroken to finally get into his house (oh the smell!!), only after he was shocked back to life by the paramedics when he decided he did actually need to call for help. I'm telling you this because my brother died from his inability to do for himself and his insistence to not allow anyone to come in to help him. I believe now that his daughter was aware of the condition of his house, as she was the only person he allowed in, but she couldn't get him to agree to get help. She should have called APS, but the should haves and could haves don't mean anything after the person is gone. Living in filth this way could result in blood infections or further health issues than your dad already has. He maybe has not gotten to the point of no return as my brother had, but now is the time to act on his behalf to either get him to agree to a care facility or call APS.

Just tell him the truth. I dont think it will faze him one bit based on his living conditions.

He needs more care than someone to take his trash out once a week.
He needs to be bathed on a routine basis. He needs to be cleaned properly after toileting and if he is not using a toilet he needs to be changed frequently.
If he is as obese as you indicate if he is not moving there is a VERY great possibility that he may have pressure sores that are infected. If not infected then at the least they are open wounds that need to be tended to.
He is not properly caring for himself.
Is anyone POA for Health?
This could be reported to APS as self neglect.
He should be seen by a doctor. If you have great concern you could call 911, ask for transport to the hospital for a well being check.

He will put clothes on if he knows that I’m coming over but I have to remind him and make sure that he knows. He used to sit around in just his shorts when I came over and have his shirt off. I don’t even like that because it’s even worse when someone is obese and they don’t wear a shirt. But now he is totally nude if he is alone. I recently told him that I didn’t want to sit in his recliner to look at his laptop and asked him to unplug it and give it to me, and he said why and I said because you sit in this chair naked. He said well I put a towel down, and I just shook my head. I told him I’m sure he doesn’t change the towel every day. He has handheld urinals beside his bed that he uses in the middle of the night, but he often misses and sometimes he peas in the trashcan beside his bed.

I'm picturing sitting down to table with a naked, obese, incontinent 81 year old who happens also to be my dad. I'm not sure it would be just the smell that might put me off my food.

Um. How long has your father been living like this? Could you give us some background to his situation?

It sounds as though you are smelling incontinence but you may also be smelling what can only be termed decomposition. When morbidly obese people are unable to bath themselves the skin folds become infested with yeasts and there is skin breakdown which are malodorous indeed.
It sounds like your Dad, due to his morbid obesity, is now in need of care. I would speak honestly with him, as he is now used to the odor if indeed he can smell it (sense of smell leaves some people in these conditions).
I would speak to APS if your Dad refuses to consider placement. I am so sorry. You shouldn't be risking your own health on attempting to do this care, which may need to be done with lifts and trained personnel.

He can walk around his apartment and even stand at the stove and cook. But he is unable to walk further and if he goes out of his apartment he needs a wheelchair. He can dress himself but prefers to be nude.

You mention he's in a wheelchair, how is he able to dress, prepare meals, bathe and deal with his incontinence on a daily basis? I'd be brutally honest, he is clearly not able to care for himself and a once a week housekeeper is not nearly enough.