The caregiver made a mistake which led to the reveal of the diagnosis. My mom says she is 100% capable of doing her own finances and since she has a caretaker, she is fine. Since her hemorrhagic cerebellum stroke on December 20th, 2021, I have been 100% taking care of her at home (visiting, shopping, spending hours on the phone with doctors, and supply companies, buying all supplies, paying the caretaker, etc., while my sister has not lifted a finger.) My sister, who lives a block from me has ignored her and in the past has taken a lot of money from her. Now, my mom thinks I have set up the neurologist to write his letter to the lawyer and the bank about her cognition and is going to try and make my sister POA. I feel so hurt and disappointed. All the work I have devoted to my mom, all the clients I canceled, and all the money I have lost have been washed away. Her caretaker is not texting or answering my calls, which she always did before she made this huge mistake. My sister will send her to a nursing home and take all her money if the diagnosis gets reversed. Emotionally, I feel like I want to die. My family members are narcissists, and I am the only one with empathy, so they do not know how to deal with me and have cut me off and out. I have a therapist and going to join a group, but does anyone understand how to deal with a mother who is bedbound in a diaper, who I have helped for months and is now turning on me and will not listen, and cannot comprehend?

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I found out the caretaker is lying to my face. Long story, but my mom's paranoia and cognitive decline (doctor's letter) made her think I was stealing from her when hiding the checkbooks from my sister, who WOULD steal from her. The caretaker helped my mom find a lawyer to change the POA to my sister, without telling me, which is illegal, and yesterday I saw the documents and THE CARETAKER SIGNED AS THE WITNESS...AND WATCHED AS MY MOM PAID $4000.00 (the first time and then when she decided to revoke the POA back to me.)However, the caretaker looked me in the eyes and said she was not there when the lawyer was there, yet that is a true lie when her name and signature are on both pages. I can't leave my mom without 24/7 care, I had a sister-like friendship with the caretaker, and today I have to face her with the knowledge that she lied to me. I don't trust her and don't know if I just let it go and watch like a hawk or...??? Getting another caretaker is not easy for many reasons and I would only do it if my mom agreed because she has major trust issues with everyone and I can't keep getting beaten up when my life has been protecting her forever, especially the last 7 months as a POA. I feel like I am in a movie. and the pain I feel for my mom and myself is overwhelming, and I don't need this abuse from either my mom or the caretaker.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2022
I was an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. First of all, you do not establish close friendships with employees and the caregiver is an employee.
Secondly, your sister isn't going to be able to steal all your mother's money, or any for that matter if she gets placed in a nursing home. The nursing home will be taking all of her money and assets.
If you have the POA, then you decide what happens with funds and who works for your mother.
So for your own sake, stop playing the victim and grow a backbone.
When the caregiver took your mother to a lawyer who re-did her POA why did you not call the police? Go to them now. Your mother was declared legally incompetent and there is proof of this. She cannot change her POA. You can fight this if you want to.
I think your best bet would probably be to do as Donttestme suggests. Let your sister have the POA and all the problems and you walk away.
This will be harsh…let them have your mother. Let your sis be POA. Let your sis send her to a nursing home.

if your mom has ANY money, it will go to caregivers, nursing homes and/or memory care centers. Unless there are millions of dollars in your mother assets, trust me, no one will come out ahead monetarily. No one. You have to self pay until your assets are down to less than $2,000. Once that happens, she has to apply for Medicaid to step in and pay. Medicaid has a five year look back, so if your sis talks your mom into giving her any of her assets within 5 yrs of applying, Medicaid will make your sis pay!

FYI dementia diagnosis RARELY get reversed. If that were to happen, I’d RUN from whatever Dr who can’t make that diagnosis correctly. The diagnosis isn’t made lightly, and there are usually cognitive tests given, as well as MRI. Once you have been diagnosed with dementia, you get worse…never better. There is no cure, no medication that’s worth much. You deteriorate until you are a complete empty shell of a person.

Sounds like you've done your share of care giving. Step back and let the rest of the family step up. If they think they’ve “hood winked” you in some way, let them. If you think you are out any inheritance…your right. But you aren’t losing it to the rest of the family…your losing it to
nursing home/caregivers/memory care/Drs/medication/hospice. Nothing you can do about that.

I know it hurts to have your mother turn against you, especially when you’ve done so much for her. That’s a very very common dementia thing. The person turns on whoever is helping them the most. Give it time, soon she’ll be bellyaching that your sis and the rest of the family are trying to harm her, steal from her or are from an alien planet. This dementia thing is brutal. When they place your mom in a home, go and visit. Do your best to not show your hurt. Try and make your visits meaningful and nice for both of you. Let your sis be the evil one. If/when visiting becomes unbearable, then stop. Dementia will take such hold, your mom eventually won’t know anyone.

Get back on your feet. Quit losing your clients, your livelihood, yourself. In spite of not being ideal, you’ll be glad there are family to step in. You’ve done your best, now give someone else a chance. Nobody comes out ahead in this thing. No winners. Everybody loses. Wrap your mind around that, and get on with your life.
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I am confused, if she has dementia, she cannot change anything or write a new POA, Will or whatever.

Your story is a regular one here, yes, a few differences but the bottom line is the same.

Personally, I would be very happy to be out of the loop. A nursing home is not free and that is where the money will go. That move is not an inheritance perk, works the opposite way.

Visit her, call her and don't worry about the rest of the drama, move on, you have done what you could, leave it at that.
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Fawnby Jun 2022
It’s not impossible for someone with dementia to be deemed competent to write a will or change a POA.
Send her to a nursing home and take all her money?
The NURSING home will take all the money. No one sends an elder to in facility care thinking to save their money, or get an inheritance. They recognize that care is needed and send the elder for care as they feel is necessary as the appointed POA. None of us can guess at what made Mom make your sister the POA, but that is what she did. You say you are the only one with empathy. I am surprised then that Mom hasn't chosen you as POA?
You ask how to deal with a bedbound and incontinent Mom. She is going into care, so you won't have to deal. You just have to visit, ask her how she is, take her photos, make a photo book with her, sit and talk with her. That's loving on her. Your sister is doing POA. It's a difficult and time consuming task requiring a lot of phone work and record keeping. Let her do her job. Offer her help. Visit and love your Mom.
I am glad you are in therapy and have that input and outlet for your feelings and for working through things. The times I went to therapy for difficult situations in my life were of enormous help and comfort. I wish you and your Mom and your sis the very very best, and do know that the best gift you will ever give to your Mom is working WITH your sister in her last years of care needs.
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newbiewife Jun 2022
Alva, it's not clear who has POA, if anyone. The OP thinks her mother is going to try to make the sister her POA. The logic is a little convoluted, because OP talks about someone (mother? sister?) trying to get the diagnosis reversed and having the sister be POA--presumably because reversing the diagnosis would mean the mother is legally competent to name a POA. But on the other hand she talks about if sister is POA she would put mom into a nursing home--but presumably she could only take over if mom is NOT cognizant and competent!
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So sorry you have been put in this situation by the caregiver's error. Did you explicitly instruct the caregiver not to mention the diagnosis within your mother's earshot? If I were your mother, I'd want to know about my diagnosis, but every individual and every family is different. It sounds as though your mother would have been in denial if you shared the diagnosis with her, but since you chose not to, there's no way of knowing that for sure. It's understandable that you are hurt with your mother turning on you after all you've done, but as you say yourself, she "will not listen, and also cannot comprehend." The stroke most likely has affected her ability to comprehend.

Are you currently her POA? Since your mother has apparently been diagnosed by a neurologist with cognitive impairment she is no longer able to name a POA or to change her existing POA. You need to make sure your sister is aware of this, and also the lawyer and bank your mother mentioned. It's not possible to reverse a diagnosis. And there's no way your sister could take away your mom's money and send her to a nursing home, even assuming your mom could name her as POA. POAs have a strict fiduciary duty to act on behalf the principal and to use the principal's money for their care. As far as nursing home placement is concerned, it may very well be that this would be the best situation for your mother, if not right now then in the near future if you don't foresee further improvement and just continued decline. You state that she is bedbound, wearing diapers, and has a caretaker who's been hired--hopefully with mom's money and not yours. Unless your mom is very wealthy, having 24/7 caretakers at home is not sustainable for long. I know it's common for there to be disagreement in families about the best care situation for a loved one--some strongly advocating for care at home, which you seem to be, and others thinking that placement in a facility would be best.

You say about your family, "I am the only one with empathy, so they do not know how to deal with me and have cut me off and out." At the risk of sounding harsh, I find it hard to believe that everyone in your family but you are narcissists. This sounds very extreme, and I'm sure this feeling on your part isn't helping you cope with the situation of taking on so much responsibility for your mother's care and welfare.
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Why would her diagnosis get reversed? Because your mother 'doesn't agree with it?' Slim to none and slim just left town.

Chances are your mother will forget all about this entire matter in short order, which is what happens with dementia and short term memory loss, so you are worrying for nothing. Give this whole matter some time instead of overreacting to THIS degree, that is my suggestion.

Also, like Geaton said, POAs cannot be changed when dementia is at play.

You say, "Emotionally, I feel like I want to die. My family members are narcissists and I am the only one with empathy, so they do not know how to deal with me and have cut me off and out." ??? Why would your family have cut you off and out? Because your mother's CG divulged the fact that she's been diagnosed with cognitive impairment? This makes no sense.

Your mother is angry for this moment in time; her CG is embarrassed that she let the cat out of the bag, which is why she's ghosting you. This should all pass over soon. In the meanwhile, just relax and calm down. If the matter comes up again, tell your mother her CG was MISTAKEN; that she is NOT cognitively impaired, oops, her bad. End of the story.

My mother had diagnosed dementia for 5+ years and lived in Memory Care AL and nobody talked to her about it. Why? Because she didn't want to hear about it or know about it. And the few times it did come up, she'd have a fit about it, then forget about it in short order, b/c that's what dementia does: it forgets what happened. Mom will forget why she was so outraged at you, and things will go back to normal pretty soon here, that's my call, based on dealing with this type of thing for years.

Bring mom a nice gift and a sweet pastry. She'll be so delighted that everything else she's irritated about will fly out of her mind and all will be well again. As for the CG, you may want to either fire her or have a nice long talk with her. B/c ghosting you after making a mistake is not cool.

Good luck
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Your mom's paranoia may be from the onset of dementia (in addition to her stroke). She is 84 and so this isn't out of the realm of possibilities. This is a common characteristic of the disease. She apparently has a medically documented diagnosis so she is unlikely to be able to change her PoA to your sister, especially is she is bedbound. Is she or your sister going to hire someone to transport her to an attorney and then pay to change the PoA (if the attorney even deems her competenet to do so)? Doubtful.

You will need to come to peace with the fact you won't be able to alter her perceptions or how she treats you -- you can only deflect, distract and choose what you react to and how you respond. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you navigate this situation.
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No good deed goes unpunished. If mom gives sister POA and sister takes all her money and puts her in a nursing home do not bail mom out. Leave her in nursing home and do not give her any money. Starting today start focusing on you and stop giving up clients to care for mom. She is not worth it. There is nothing you can really do unless you want to waste a lit of moneyvand time getting guardianship that you may not get anyway. People are fools and your mother is no exception to that.
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