I don’t want her here anymore. Thoughts?

What you (and many of us) have done is traded your life for hers. You BOTH deserve a life. I've only done it for one full year and am moving my mother into a nursing home next month. Enough! I am taking my life back. Who knows, she may even be happier knowing that she is no longer a burden. Get therapy or counseling to help you in your decision. Good luck!

I can tell you that you're not alone. My mother is "only" 93 and doesn't live with me (she lives 2 miles away) but I have been doing this for 21 years. I'm the only person on the face of the entire earth who will put up with her. My sister lives 3,000 miles away and hates her. She has no friends and all her other relatives cut her off and died years ago. I'm not allowed to have friends that I ever see in person. I'm not allowed to ever have a vacation, even for 24 hours without her, as far as she's concerned. She is a vampire sucking the life out of me and completely merciless. I have to lie about everything in order not to be treated to non-stop torrents of abuse because of her degree of entitlement. She has zero boundaries, zero ability to understand that her adult child is not an extension of her to gratify her in every way. She was an abusive and neglectful mother, a total narcissist and she's only more so that way.

You need to give your mother the "It's not you, it's me" break up speech and tell her that you're physically incapable of taking care of her, that you're terrified that she's going to be the one to suffer because of it and she deserves more than being stuck with you and you have to find her something better than living with you. And look for something that at least superficially looks appealing with social activities and good food to get her out of your house.

You deserve this. You are not a bad daughter for not wanting to actually get to live before you drop dead from taking care of your mother. I live in terror that I'm going to die before my mother and never have one day of actual peace without her ceaseless demands and hectoring constantly in the background, one day of not anticipating more verbal abuse. I only see her one day a week because it's all I can stand without wanting to throw myself off a bridge.

Even so, good luck to you because I got my mother in assisted living back when she was only 88 years old and she moved out 17 months later.

Dear Bobby,
Even if my situation is easier than yours, I am also thinking about moving mon in a facility. I réalise I am putting my own health {mental and physical) at risk. I used to like driving now I am scared I may have an accident, falling asleep while driving for instance.
This is not selfishness! It is a hard decision to take but you have to love yourself and take care of yourself too.
I have put my life on hold for too long, take care more of my mom than of my son. I will never have this time back... I am realizing it now.
It is just not human to take care of someone 24h/24.
Take care!

When you can, do your research and find available facilities. "Mom, it is time to make our plans for your future care. In the right place, you will have the security of 24/7 help on hand and I will be able to manage your care."

All of you! Tell them gently. Believe me they will "guess" how you feel soon enough. All of you are saying the care is ruining your health, no point in that. Help them figure out another plan. Feeling sad at a necessary decision is better than being eaten alive by resentment.
.

You say she CHOSE to give birth to you. I can tell you something that assuming she had you 70 years ago, that she had little to no choice at that tome. It was not until the 60s that birth control pills were being used on a regular basis to those who could afford them. In her time women had sex whenever it was demanded by the husband. I don’t know what type of life your mother led, but having a choice to have a child was not one of them. Plus the society pressure to have a child during that time was much greater. No woman wanted to be considered to be barren.

I also understand how you feel as a caregiver having taken care of my mother for more than 15 years by myself and the youngest child. Trust me even if you had siblings there’s no guarantee that they would help you. Mine did not even call to see how their Mum was doing.

Taking care of Mum the last 15 years was difficult and was more difficult with each passing year.

Nobody from that era wants to keep on living. But what do you expect her to do when she will not die a natural death? Kill herself? It is what it is and I understand your frustration.

I am sure it was not easy for you to go through cancer whilst taking care of her needs as well. I got Shingles, a sprained ankle, and a bad back while taking care of my Mum. It was the hardest job and unpaid too that I ever had. I cried many nights after I put her to bed. There was nobody who could understand what I was going through since none of my friends had sick or elderly parents at the time. I am now having major back issues after falling at work. I can not walk without a walker at 60! I never expected to be in this situation. I had so many aspirations to travel, etc. and right now I cannot even get out of my home. So I understand completely where you are coming from when you feel your life is fleeting by.

She is never going to say to you to place her in AL, I am assuming she is ambulatory, because she does not know how you feel.

I think she may actually thrive in AL, if all she has wrong with her is old age. She will have a new audience to tell her stories to, there will be others to talk to and commiserate with, other than her daughter. She can make new friends even at that age.

I would start slow by telling her you need a break for a week to go see an old sick friend, and that you will place her in an AL during that time.

See how she like it when you get back. After that take a week off ever couple of months until she feels comfortable there. Then, if she likes it, then approach her about moving there permanently, explain that if you get sick again, you would not be able to take care of her, since your body is also older and more fragile. Tell her that you will still come to see her and spend time with her, and take her out for lunch and outings. Your daughter can also do the same if she is able to.

My Mum did not speak English and culturally it would have been foreign to her to be placed in a facility. She died at the age of 91 and only because Parkinson’s took her life. If she did not have it, she may still be living too! She was very healthy before Parkinson’s disease. I always worried that if I died who would take care of her since my siblings were and still are AWOL even after she passed away 8 years ago.

I hope my sentiments help you understand your Mum better and form a plan to place her in AL. Good luck!

Tell her that with your cancer, you have to go into hospital for months and you are arranging assisted living for her because you are unable to have her there now. ( then go to a spa or vacation for 2 months )
Be firm. You have given her your time and as you say, you now need space.
Great she can just go to assisted living and not nursing care.
But be firm and repeat that you are physically ill and cannot be home to care for her. "tell her" that.
Take her to visit 3 assisted living and let her choose if possible (as far as expense) so she feels a bit of power.
But if she is smothering and doesnt respect boundries, you have to move her out for your mental health.

It is time to do the responsible thing and put her into assisted living. This is for your own good. It take a lot of energy and work to care for someone and you need your rest.

you need a long break ASAP! Get her into a home for 6 months and then figure out how you feel about continuing care for her, if she is still alive. You’ve done more than enough. You’ve been an amazing daughter. I am alone as well, and I am coming up on 10 years of care. I am done!

I am sorry to hear how resentful you seem to be. Please try to remain in love and find an assisted living home for your mother. You, I am sorry to say, have let this situation harm you both emotionally. Remember, you love your mother. Get her into a home and take care of yourself. Get a new hairdo, makeup, clothes and go out to lunch with a friend. God bless you.

Book her a one way ticket to Switzerland if you get my drift

Bobbi48128: Imho, this dynamic must be amended, else your OWN health suffers even more, e.g. perhaps it's time for facility living for your mother.

It might be worthwhile to have a few sessions of therapy to deal with your resentment and to find an acceptable way to tell your mom she needs another living situation.

You will never be able to "convince" her to see your point of view - she has it all and you at her beck and call. Do not discuss anything - just make sure you have the legal rights (see an eldercare attorney, get a power of attorney, etc.) and find a facility and then just tell her flat out that is is not personal but it is affecting you and your quality of life and you want a life while you still have a chance. At your age and condition, you need to take care of YOU first. She has lived her life. Don't let her impact you any longer. Look out for you starting now - she'll get over it and eventually adjust - so just do it. And do NOT feel guilty. It is fine to take on older people with problems but when they impact YOUR life, it is time to do something about it and place them somewhere.

Resent her longevity?? Did you really say that about your own mother? You will feel differently when she's gone from this Earth. My mom passed in April and it feels like I'm walking around with a missing arm or leg. I'm not trying to be mean or anything but I would give anything to hug my mom, hold her hand, kiss her cheek...how would you feel if your daughter said the same thing about you? Just something to think about...

Save yourself, you’ve already done this all on your own. Most people don’t live this long, when you took her in at 90 you assumed she had a few years left. Now that she’s 100 she probably doesn’t have another ten years however it’s possible she could live another 3-5 years which at this point isn’t bearable for you especially given the fact you’ve suffered cancer and she doesn’t respect you in your own home. You did more than your part given how she meddles and doesn’t respect you in your own home ( such as interfering w your granddaughter). Tell her you have two places for her to choose from ( I disagree with those who advised you taking her to multiple places to choose from, your already drained and you have to protect your health so get the names of a couple places that she can go to and let her know she will be moving in the next 1-2 months)

Do some nice things for yourself- pamper yourself, cup of tea, watch a favorite show and make yourself the focus for now, you’ve earned it. Do you have some support from any friends?

You sound like you need a break, some time for yourself or even a vacation. Have you taken any time for yourself in the last 11 years? You need to have an honest conversation with your mother to let her know that it's getting to be too much for you to care for her. There are some options that might work for you and her short of having her move to assisted living. While you figure it out with your mother, can you get an aide to help with her, so that you can take some breaks? It might be a way to transition your mother to having an aide do most of the work of caring for her. Get connected with a social worker in your area and caregiving groups that can discuss options with you.

Some of us understand, sorry for those of you that have not supported you in your honesty. I’m sorry you have had to endure this. I’d do assisted living or force her to hire a care giver so you might be able to have some rest. I knew of a person that died from a heart attack from the stress of caregiving and then the mom ended up in skilled nursing care anyway .

Wow - I think you're absolutely Amazing in how much you have helped your mom all these years! I'm new to this site and yours is the first post I've read. I understand your need to tell someone how you're feeling - I need to do the same. I live in NYC - was in the fashion industry my entire career - and in my early 50's decided to get a mini-facelift to feel more refreshed - it was a tough healing process that took almost a year...after a successful healing, I decided to visit my parents - long story short, my mother flew into a violent rage while I was there over a vase that was moved, and she shoved me into a corner and started beating and punching my face like a boxer, pulling my hair, etc. I couldn't get away and was in complete shock - it's caused me nerve damage and facial injuries...I'm still trying to get over it. To the outside world, people see her as a different person....she's had MRI and cognitive testing since then and the doctors said her brain is fine...so, I'm left realizing this is who she is....she has no remorse either. My intention in getting the face lift was to begin my next chapter in life in my 50's feeling energized to date and continue my career - and this changed it all and I see how life is so random and every day is precious. Which leads me to your post...in my humble opinion, it's time for you to think of Your needs and do what's best for you and your life, given everything you've mentioned - I think doing the research and finding a nice assisted living facility for your mom could be a "win-win" for both of you and I think it's all in the delivery in how you tell her about it after you find the right place.....it could be very exciting for her - she could meet new friends and many facilities are social, have activities, group dinners...and a staff that can tend to her needs. Instead of it being thought of as a negative in going to an AL facility, perhaps sharing it in a positive way that's beneficial to her maybe can make the difference ....I know plenty of my friends' parents living in such facilities and they're very happy there - I hope your mom will be too!
Take good care of yourself - you deserve it!

You’re burned out and exhausted from doing this for 10+ years. My goodness you deserve a medal for doing this for so many years. You need to get your mom in an Assisting Living Facility. It’s your turn to self-care and enjoy life instead of caring for your mom. It is important you take care of yourself. It’s time for you to have a heart-to-heart talk with your mom explain to her for health reasons it is best she is admitted into an assisting living facility. In the meantime, hire a caregiver to help with your mother until you can make all the arrangements to get her in a facility. Once you get her in an assisted living facility you can move on with your own life, go on vacations, and enjoy life.

If she's very resistant to moving into assisted living, try to get a caregiver to come in a few days a week so you have some respite.

I'm sure you realize that it's not her fault she's lived so long, but try not to resent her---it will poison you. Remember she won't be around forever and try to treat her so that you have no regrets.

Im sorry, and I don't know how you have done it for 11 years. My dad has dementia and lived with me for the last 2, I'm a single mom with a now 10 year old child that he fights with daily. It takes a toll on you. I have three other siblings and he's still married to a witch who left him 4 years ago but refuses to divorce him because she wants to collect his ss benefits when he's gone. So I may not be an only child but I'm alone in this.knowone truly understands unless they have experienced caring for the elderly, I feel like a prisoner in my own home very often, I'm sure you do too. I won't go into all my s***, but believe me when I tell you, I understand! Do what's right for yourself, you have given 10 years of your life, have the talk, find a place where she might have eventual friends, a place with activities, and tell her you love her but it would be best for her to be in a place with people her age. I know there's going to be guilt, I myself will be doing this soon as well so I'm not telling you to do something I would never do. You only have 1 life, she had hers go live yours. Good luck!

Your mother has given you the opportunity to tell her when you want her to go into assisted living. Why can't you help her find a place?

You are in between a rock and a hard place. Your mum knows you well enough that you won't tell her when it is time so has left it in your hands and has brushed off having to get it. Since you can't do it (and believe me I understand) let's look at it from a different perspective.. your mum's well-being.
You are burnt out and have had a serious life-threatening illness, one that can return and one that likes stress. You are not happy in your role and it probably shows. This is not the best environment for your mum and would receive better care and more socializing in a care environment. Her relationship with you would also improve as you could visit and spend real quality time with her. And who is to say she won't be happier!! If Perhaps you could frame it from that angle that even though you love her, you are not fit to do it properly anymore... which is probably true.
You deserve a life, and happiness and also to have a relationship with your mum where you don't resent her. You are gambling with your health right now .

I've just this morning been to a gentleman who was having his last call from our service before he goes to "open-ended respite care." His wife had packed his things ready, we got him changed and washed and dressed to go out (brief dispute between client and wife about cleaning his teeth - he was sure "the nurse" had helped him already this morning. She tried to explain that this had taken place last night, when I also happened to be on duty, but he wasn't having it. She gave in. Wise woman!).

I have to say, he was as happy as a sand-boy about the whole prospect. We joked about his staying in a luxury hotel (certainly costs about the same), but more seriously I reminded him that the place he's trying out will probably have a fully adapted bathroom with one of those hi-tech tubs that you can bathe almost literally *anybody* in, no matter how complex their physical disabilities.

He has not a qualm about it. I think it must be his wife who's been struggling under the weight of "admitting defeat."

Just a point to ponder: whose feelings are you afraid of?

I applaud you for taking care of your mother for 10 years. Getting outside help is an answer. ’m not sure of her finances, but outside help is very expensive. Your life and happiness is important too. I’m struggling keeping both my parents in their home and often feel guilty because my mother hints around to them moving in with me. I thought at one point yes, but I really don’t want to. I’m over their homes everyday 6+ hours a day and feel like I don’t have a life anymore. If your mother is healthy and has the finances, then don’t feel guilty about placing her in an assisted living facility.

I like the way she put it: "I have to “tell” her when I don’t want her here anymore" That's a guilt trip and a half. She's given you All the responsibility but it's not all her fault. She has to have some mid-stage Dem going on since it seems that all throughout the last few years; everything has to involve or revolve around her. It's not an easy choice to make but I can't say either/or since Mom is still here with me; against my Psychs advice. You have to weigh your health against her quality of life with you. If there's still basically a balance; then You must find a way to take a necessary & therapeutic vacation Away from Mom. Now if the case is that you've put yourself on "the back burner" because of guilt; it might be time to look into an ALF for Mom. Remember, you did this out of love for her, her health and well being. If it's now affecting Your health & well being; you'll end up worse than her; and then Your ability to make the right choice for her might be given to someone who will. I don't think either of you would want that. See if you can get her into an ALF temporarily; for a few weeks at least; so you can clear your head and make the best decision for Both of you.

Bobbi48128, I feel your pain and frustration. I moved my mother in with my husband and me, and was told she probably had no more than 3-5 years, given the state of her (vascular) dementia. At that point, I was 45, had just been through breast cancer treatment, and was in a good place. My husband was also onboard with helping with the caregiving, and at one point was her primary caregiver. It was agreed that when her care became too much for me to handle, we would place her in a facility. I am the youngest of six, and despite everyone agreeing to pitch in with her care, it came down to my older sister, my husband, and me. Fast forward 12 years, and here I am, the primary caregiver for my mom who is 93 and has advanced vascular dementia. Alone. My husband passed from cancer 3 years ago, and my sister's husband fell and broke his hip, so she is his caregiver now. As for our siblings? Nothing. No offers for help for either my sister or me, even as I struggled to care for both my mom and my husband. I sold my mother's house (after first offering to let my brother have first refusal, since he was staying there, but he basically wanted me--as POA--to GIVE it to him). So he was asked to leave, and I sold my mom's house last year. I've put that money in an account for her expenses and hired a caregiver who comes in 5 days a week for about 6 hours a day. Before that I was going through major bouts of depression, had suicidal thoughts, lost my job, nearly lost my house, had no retirement or savings as that all went to pay for my husband's medical expenses. So here I am, nearly 60, wondering what the future holds. The caregiver has been a Godsend, but I still have my mom to care for in the evenings and at night. I'm exhausted. Mom has started having really weak spells and seizures, and I know I've reached my limit. Sadly I've begun looking at facilities, and hope to find one by the first of the year. It's not an easy decision. We've done our best, and it's time to give ourselves a break. Maybe it's best that you take your mom with you to visit a few facilities and maybe arrange for a "respite" visit (a one- or two-week stay for her) so she can better judge if it's a good "fit". Make it known that you're having some health issues, and tell her that you can no longer provide the care and attention she "deserves" (putting it in such a way that you're doing it for HER not for yourself), and you only want what's best for HER. Rarely do others concern themselves with your concerns or how it's affecting you; it's all about them, so throw the ball back in her court and make her a part of the process. Good luck and God bless. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.

Don’t know what to tell you. Mom is 91, has dementia and I’m knocking on the door of 74. I’m fearful she might live to be 100. I’m resentful already because I basically have no other life although I get a few day off weekly. I’m responsible for two households, etc etc. God have mercy on us. I’m reverent of God but wonder why?? ❤️❤️

I feel your pain! I'm the middle child of 3 and the responsibility of my 99 yo Mom has been soley on me. I get alot of lip from siblings but no real help. Mom came to live with me when she was 97. When I see LO living past 100 I totally cringe. I know that sounds terrible but I'm so tired after caring for her for only 2 years. I can't imagine doing this for another 3-4 years. Mom lived her life and was free as a bird to do things and go places and have fun when she was my age and beyond. I tell people I've been on lockdown before anyone heard of lockdown. I'm on time constraints. On my shifts if I leave the house I need to be back rather soon to toilet her as she won't allow my husband to do that which I understand. I have someone come in 5 days a week (M-F) for 6 hours a day which I'm grateful for because I am still working a fulltime job but the evenings, nights and weekends are my shifts. I don't look forward to going home and weekends are a drag. I have no privacy, no social life. So I totally get how you feel suffocated and how your life is not your own. I never imagined my life would be what it is. I feel so trapped. Hugs to all the care-givers out there!!