I don’t want her here anymore. Thoughts?

In retrospect, I'd say this:

"I love you, mom. I can't care for you anymore*. Let's work together to find a great facility you'll like."

*No need to elaborate; it's the simple, direct truth, and I'd think (I'd hope for myself) that at 100) details wouldn't further the cause.

so today we were talking and i said something to my mom about being her caregiver. she replied you don’t take care me. i do things for myself. i said, that’s the point. you don’t realize what i do for you. i said.. can you buy your own groceries? can you go to the dr without me? can you go out to lunch without me? can you visit your sister without me? can you buy your own clothes? can you make your lunch? (at which she protested and i had to remind her last week she put spinach dip on her bagel thinking it was tuna) can you go in the yard with our me? can you wash your clothes? what do you think a caregiver is? just because you can go to the toilet yourself does not make you independent.
all i wanted was a thank you, but she can’t do that. i told her i just stop doing everything for you snd see how long before you acknowledge what i do.

It will be up to you to make decisions (of course).

If you have difficulty due to guilt, you need to get emotional / psychological support to be strong enough to :
(1) make decisions which will benefit you both;
(2) with professional support, flush out the "resent her longevity..." part. If you make a decision(s) that will be in her best interest, and yours (which you need for your quality of life), you likely will ease the resentment feelings.
(3) It sounds like your mom might be / have a narcissist personality disorder (based on how you describe you - and how you react to her (wounded, beaten down).
(4) The time is NOW for you to place your mom somewhere YOU feel is good for her (she doesn't get to make these decisions anymore-you do). Expect she'll 'be vocal' about the move - and let her rant. She will settle in because she will have to.
(4a) So you can focus on the quality and enjoyment of your own life. You deserve to have moments - however many - as enjoyable and stress-free as possible. It is enough of a load for you to manage your own health care needs, both physical and emotional and every other way (spiritual, mental).
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. If not now, when?

Gena / Touch Matters (see below)

I've re-quoted (?) parts of this as it seems so important to really hear.
Sonny65 said: 'I like the way she put it: "I have to “tell” her when I don’t want her here anymore" That's a guilt trip and a half. She's given you All the responsibility but it's not all her fault. She has to have some mid-stage Dem going on since it seems that all throughout the last few years;

... everything has to involve or revolve around her.

... You have to weigh your health against her quality of life with you. If there's still basically a balance; then You must find a way to take a necessary & therapeutic vacation Away from Mom.

... Now if the case is that you've put yourself on "the back burner" because of guilt; it might be time to look into an ALF for Mom.

... Remember, you did this out of love for her, her health and well being. If it's now affecting Your health & well being; you'll end up worse than her;

Maybe no living siblings, but you have a child or two?? And a granddaughter. Ask for a little help from them so you can take a break.

If you can't tell her to move, then you should ask for help from any source available so you can get out a little.

"...and this thing that they took care of you as a baby, well that’s just bs. they chose to bring you into the world. they were responsible for that baby. i don’t feel we owe them anything. other than to make sure someone is caring for them. there i got that off my chest."

Oh we have several on the forum who sing that sad song. They need to join up with those who INSIST the LO would be better off in their own home, with family and/or hired caregivers - they could sing rounds together.

I'm a bit late joining, so I haven't read all comments yet. Beware the user Riley2166 (has used at least 2 other names, ending in 2166 - same MO.) This one DEMANDS you move the person no matter what.

Anyway, AGREE totally that analogy is bogus. On top of the fact that generally we have kids because we want, we are also much younger, the kids are much smaller AND in general kids grow and become more independent.

We CAN honor them and see to it that they get appropriate care without providing the actual hands-on care ourselves.

If possible, do try the respite care and get some well-deserved, long overdue rest and hopefully some enjoyment too!

Just because men had access to condoms didn’t mean they were willing to use them. Diaphragms require you to plan to have sex. I have four siblings. All but one of us was an unplanned pregnancy because when my father got the urge, he wouldn’t wait. Anyone who believes that women had freedom of choice after WW2 is mistaken. In that era, it was perfectly fine for a husband to repeatedly rape his wife if he wanted to and she had no recourse. The marital “contract” and sexual mores between wedded partners was entirely different than it is now. That’s not to say my mother didn’t like sex as much as my father. It was the resulting pregnancies from
not taking the time to use precautions she didn’t like.

Kids don’t ask to be born and old folks don’t ask to live on and on. It’s just what happens and both kids and parents have to live with whatever happens and act responsibly as kids come into the world and parents go out of it.

Can you afford some outside help? Sounds like you really need a break. If your Mom can afford assisted living she should be able to pay for an in home caregiver to relieve you.If she has to go to assisted living for your health sake, dont feel guilty. You have done your best and more.

At this point, the environment is toxic for you and your mother and it needs to change.

The anger and resentment you are harboring is literally harming your health.
Also, by directing the anger at her, you are avoiding taking the steps you need to change your life.

Please find a counselor who can help you work thru your feelings toward your mom, and also the cancer that threatens you.
Work with the counselor on how to talk with your mom to find her a continuum of care facility that can provide a healthy environment for your mom.
Perhaps you can reach a healthy place where you can visit your mom to share meals and enjoy time together. Or not. But, please take the time you need to let go of this anger.

Bless you. I have no good advise, but I do feel for you.

Hang in there.