I don’t want her here anymore. Thoughts?

you need a long break ASAP! Get her into a home for 6 months and then figure out how you feel about continuing care for her, if she is still alive. You’ve done more than enough. You’ve been an amazing daughter. I am alone as well, and I am coming up on 10 years of care. I am done!

It is time to do the responsible thing and put her into assisted living. This is for your own good. It take a lot of energy and work to care for someone and you need your rest.

Tell her that with your cancer, you have to go into hospital for months and you are arranging assisted living for her because you are unable to have her there now. ( then go to a spa or vacation for 2 months )
Be firm. You have given her your time and as you say, you now need space.
Great she can just go to assisted living and not nursing care.
But be firm and repeat that you are physically ill and cannot be home to care for her. "tell her" that.
Take her to visit 3 assisted living and let her choose if possible (as far as expense) so she feels a bit of power.
But if she is smothering and doesnt respect boundries, you have to move her out for your mental health.

You say she CHOSE to give birth to you. I can tell you something that assuming she had you 70 years ago, that she had little to no choice at that tome. It was not until the 60s that birth control pills were being used on a regular basis to those who could afford them. In her time women had sex whenever it was demanded by the husband. I don’t know what type of life your mother led, but having a choice to have a child was not one of them. Plus the society pressure to have a child during that time was much greater. No woman wanted to be considered to be barren.

I also understand how you feel as a caregiver having taken care of my mother for more than 15 years by myself and the youngest child. Trust me even if you had siblings there’s no guarantee that they would help you. Mine did not even call to see how their Mum was doing.

Taking care of Mum the last 15 years was difficult and was more difficult with each passing year.

Nobody from that era wants to keep on living. But what do you expect her to do when she will not die a natural death? Kill herself? It is what it is and I understand your frustration.

I am sure it was not easy for you to go through cancer whilst taking care of her needs as well. I got Shingles, a sprained ankle, and a bad back while taking care of my Mum. It was the hardest job and unpaid too that I ever had. I cried many nights after I put her to bed. There was nobody who could understand what I was going through since none of my friends had sick or elderly parents at the time. I am now having major back issues after falling at work. I can not walk without a walker at 60! I never expected to be in this situation. I had so many aspirations to travel, etc. and right now I cannot even get out of my home. So I understand completely where you are coming from when you feel your life is fleeting by.

She is never going to say to you to place her in AL, I am assuming she is ambulatory, because she does not know how you feel.

I think she may actually thrive in AL, if all she has wrong with her is old age. She will have a new audience to tell her stories to, there will be others to talk to and commiserate with, other than her daughter. She can make new friends even at that age.

I would start slow by telling her you need a break for a week to go see an old sick friend, and that you will place her in an AL during that time.

See how she like it when you get back. After that take a week off ever couple of months until she feels comfortable there. Then, if she likes it, then approach her about moving there permanently, explain that if you get sick again, you would not be able to take care of her, since your body is also older and more fragile. Tell her that you will still come to see her and spend time with her, and take her out for lunch and outings. Your daughter can also do the same if she is able to.

My Mum did not speak English and culturally it would have been foreign to her to be placed in a facility. She died at the age of 91 and only because Parkinson’s took her life. If she did not have it, she may still be living too! She was very healthy before Parkinson’s disease. I always worried that if I died who would take care of her since my siblings were and still are AWOL even after she passed away 8 years ago.

I hope my sentiments help you understand your Mum better and form a plan to place her in AL. Good luck!

All of you! Tell them gently. Believe me they will "guess" how you feel soon enough. All of you are saying the care is ruining your health, no point in that. Help them figure out another plan. Feeling sad at a necessary decision is better than being eaten alive by resentment.
.

When you can, do your research and find available facilities. "Mom, it is time to make our plans for your future care. In the right place, you will have the security of 24/7 help on hand and I will be able to manage your care."

Dear Bobby,
Even if my situation is easier than yours, I am also thinking about moving mon in a facility. I réalise I am putting my own health {mental and physical) at risk. I used to like driving now I am scared I may have an accident, falling asleep while driving for instance.
This is not selfishness! It is a hard decision to take but you have to love yourself and take care of yourself too.
I have put my life on hold for too long, take care more of my mom than of my son. I will never have this time back... I am realizing it now.
It is just not human to take care of someone 24h/24.
Take care!

I can tell you that you're not alone. My mother is "only" 93 and doesn't live with me (she lives 2 miles away) but I have been doing this for 21 years. I'm the only person on the face of the entire earth who will put up with her. My sister lives 3,000 miles away and hates her. She has no friends and all her other relatives cut her off and died years ago. I'm not allowed to have friends that I ever see in person. I'm not allowed to ever have a vacation, even for 24 hours without her, as far as she's concerned. She is a vampire sucking the life out of me and completely merciless. I have to lie about everything in order not to be treated to non-stop torrents of abuse because of her degree of entitlement. She has zero boundaries, zero ability to understand that her adult child is not an extension of her to gratify her in every way. She was an abusive and neglectful mother, a total narcissist and she's only more so that way.

You need to give your mother the "It's not you, it's me" break up speech and tell her that you're physically incapable of taking care of her, that you're terrified that she's going to be the one to suffer because of it and she deserves more than being stuck with you and you have to find her something better than living with you. And look for something that at least superficially looks appealing with social activities and good food to get her out of your house.

You deserve this. You are not a bad daughter for not wanting to actually get to live before you drop dead from taking care of your mother. I live in terror that I'm going to die before my mother and never have one day of actual peace without her ceaseless demands and hectoring constantly in the background, one day of not anticipating more verbal abuse. I only see her one day a week because it's all I can stand without wanting to throw myself off a bridge.

Even so, good luck to you because I got my mother in assisted living back when she was only 88 years old and she moved out 17 months later.

What you (and many of us) have done is traded your life for hers. You BOTH deserve a life. I've only done it for one full year and am moving my mother into a nursing home next month. Enough! I am taking my life back. Who knows, she may even be happier knowing that she is no longer a burden. Get therapy or counseling to help you in your decision. Good luck!

She is right, you have to tell her when you dont want her there. I understand why you would not want to do that, but thats what it comes down to.

Hello Bobbi. I admire and respect the care you have given your mother. I visit folks in assisted living who have children but none willing to visit them. I know others who have cared for both parents for years. The fact that you have cared for your mother in your home for this long says much about your level of compassion and empathy.
I was a caregiver for 6 years to someone who was not exactly Mother of the Year. It seemed like I had only two emotions those six years --resentment and guilt. But I kept her in her home and looked after her as no other siblings were willing to. After 6 years, my mother passed. Despite never having a close relationship with her and having a traumatic childhood , I have grieved her passing fiercely. I have felt how deep and wide grief is. I have no regrets for a moment of care I gave her and if I had to do it again, I would have done more.
So whatever you decide to do, you will never regret the good you have already done. I will pray for you and your mother today.

Hi Bobbi,
Being the solitary caregiver is an extremely demanding position to be in. I am an only child so I partly understand what you are going through. The difference is that at this time my mother is still living in her own home with my stepfather. I am my mother's legal guardian as she has Alzheimers. She is 90 and her husband is 94. He has no children. I am there every day as she does not know who people are as her Alzheimers is progressing but physically she is healthy. She is able to go for walks and is amazingly mobile considering the circumstance. This has led to issues where she will leave the house and her husband can't catch up with her as he uses a walker. She can also be very agitated at times and can become combative. I have had to hire caretakers as they need someone there 24/7. All that being said, I know the day will come when one of them will pass and the other will not be able to live there on their own even with other caregivers. I am in my late 60's with Psoriatic Arthritis as well as other auto-immune issues. I have come to the decision that when the time comes, the one remaining will have to go to either memory care (my mother) or assisted living (my stepfather). I am not able to mentally or physically take on in-home care. You have a right to live your life and enjoy your family on your terms. I believe you may find that your relationship with your mother will improve when your time spent with her is focused on your relationship as her daughter and not as her caregiver. And she may enjoy time spent with her peers. I wish you all the best and strongly encourage you to take care of yourself, which is important not only for you but for your family members who love you, such as your granddaughter. Take care and best of luck.

Wow, you have given so much! I care for 97 year old Mom, 2/3 mini strokes. She lives with my brother who is dying, and still smokes! I have to care for both now, and I can't stand my brother. He's mean to mom, he's a cheap cheap person with a lot of money. I've been caring for Mom since she had seizures @ 80 years old, and now had to sleep there, tiny hot condo for months. I'm sick and tired of being the slave, cleaning ( my house is a mess!) feeding her, washing her, dressing her, make the bed every half hour it seems. I've lost like 15 lbs, haven't been eating well, and now have acute Bronchitis, and no time to rest. I'm getting to resent her, but it's not her fault, NOR IS IT MY FAULT. I worked 45 years, and this is my retirement. Thought I would travel, see the world bulls@it. I feel like she's killing me. I'm sick of taking care of them, and no one cares for me.... CRAP life

I moved my Mom to another state with me due to frequent falls, dementia worsening at age 89. Mom & I were never close & as she aged she seemed to despise me even more. I don’t know what I was thinking bringing her here, thinking I was doing the right thing & everything would be ok. She was here 2 years, made life miserable. My husband was at his limit, marriage was suffering. I finally told her she couldn’t live her any longer & I took her with us as we visited different long term care facilities & added her to waiting lists to some. She’s nearly 92, she had her usual nastiness for years but now that she rarely speaks, is in her own little world most of the time, it’s sad. I’m glad though she’s there. I think at the time Mom knew she couldn’t stay with me either. I visit her 2-3 times a week, always take her a treat, do her nails, her hair & were close for the first time in my 72 years.
Dont feel guilty for your feelings, you have to do what’s best for both of you. I don’t know your age but at mine, I couldn’t do the minute by minute like the care she gets now.
Prayers that you’ll get support for your decisions.

Same situation here. Mom is 100 and physically doing very well. I finally had to sit down with her and tell her "I just can't take care of you anymore. I want to do some traveling while I still can and the day-to-day is too much for me". She laid every guilt trip on me within her arsenal (you are kicking me out) but I was so at the end of my rope, I ignored it. I took her to visit multiple types of care facilities, some "not so nice" so when we got to one of the ones I actually wanted her to go to, she picked it herself. She's been there almost a month now and I must say I am shocked at how well she has adjusted. The key for Mom was finding a place where the caregivers are very loving and shower her with hugs. I am still "recovering" from the years of caregiving. I had no idea the toll it took on me. Mom seems happy and I love having my life back. I encourage you to do the same.

Yes, caregiving can be so suffocating even if we love our care recipient. You have done a great job and your duty! It is time to have a conversation with your Mom about moving. You have given 10 years of you life to her, to care for her. You have your own heath to consider and your body has already given you a warning with your cancer. Until one has done day to day caregiving, it is easy for others to not understand the underlying stress that comes with caregiving. There is a reason caregivers often die before the care recipient. It is stressful even in the best scenario.
Please talk to your Mom and look into assistive living for her. You deserve to live you life also.

Your mother asked for honesty. In my humble opinion you should have an honest conversation. Talk to her about how you are feeling. For me, when I keep it all in I get frustrated and impatient, even angry.

I'm going through a hard time with my father a well. I held my feelings back and it hurt me. Now I am honest about all of my feelings. There is some hurt and pain we both feel but in the end we are happier with each other. I still can't get him to see his doctor, but he knows how I honestly feel about it.

I wish you the best of luck and good that you are able to find some peace.

Glad your Mother didnt resent your screwing up her life while she fed you, changed your diapers and lost sleep while you cried all night.

I am so sorry for your extremely difficult situation. I cannot imagine. However, I have a similar situation with my mom. The good thing is she doesn’t live with me, but with my brother.

Mom is on hospice care, 90, frail, many falls, very high functioning yet very spunky which causes problems. My brother works long hours (he is 70): 5 am to 5:30 pm and often Saturdays. He thinks mom is okay at home by herself during these long hours. I go over 2-3 times a week, cook, clean, etc. I am POA and have taken care of most of her care, doc appts, etc. have been on me …. Solving problems like her not receiving the last government stimulus check are mine. All the “hard” decisions and work gathering information is mine to deal with. I am 65, my husband is retired yet we cannot fully enjoy our time.

I have decided mom needs aides. It will cost a small fortune. I will continue to go over three times per week, but something has to change. Someone has to make a decision.
I am exhausted. I don’t care what my brother thinks any more and I don’t care about the money.

*****My point to you is: You must take care of yourself and do what is right for you. I urge you to do this and enjoy the time you have.*****

Best wishes and prayers,
Nancy

" I don't want her here anymore. "

I know those must have been really hard words for you to say, especially to others. And I understand.

My mom moved in with me 4 years ago, she is 96, I am 67. The first couple of years we butt heads a lot, but after her heart attack / stroke 2 years ago and having bad reactions to medications for a few months, she came back to base line.

She has had increasingly faster short term memory loss over the last year. And as far as making decisions, she hasn't been able to do that for a very long time. It is very stressful for her especially as her thinking process is very poor.

I liken it to a spider web.... that as time goes on, the different weblines are broken.... I can "see" this and realize that because they don't connect, she can't think properly. She can not reason things out, so she is incapable of making decisions.

We have reached a point where we get along pretty well probably 98% of the time, so most days things are much easier. BUT, I still would like to have some life outside of caregiving. To go out anywhere for a movie or anything, paid caregivers ( $20-30/hr in this area ) require a minimum 3 or 4 hour time block, which equates to a minimum of $60, not counting the cost of the movie, so in my mind, I wouldn't have fun knowing how much it costs.

Awhile back, I came to a decision that I will take it a day at a time, and if / when something happens to mom where she has to be hospitalized, that at that point, I will see about having her move to ALF. As long as I stay healthy, this has been my way of coping. But tomorrow, that could change. Words of her doctor a couple of years ago keep replaying in my head.... " She could live another 15 years. "

I wish you the best of luck with your decision, Bobbi. For people who have the kind of heart you have, there is no easy way. When you are ready, just be strong, don't doubt yourself, and know that it will be the best for you and your mother.

Poor you. Who asked you to take her in at 90 years old without true love in your heart and watching her along the years gone by? What you should have done you did not do and that is placed her in a appropriate facility at 90. Unless you are benefiting from benefits she has coming in...place her in a facility...NOW!

I think I would try to put her in assisted living if the work is getting too much for you.

I am told after 2 years burn out is experienced.

I can tell by her saying, You have to tell her when you don’t want her there anymore she is not interested in how you are managing. That speaks to a certain personality type, it’s important that you address these things early so you don’t explode then end up apologizing when you were in the right.

With a happy heart say hey Mom, I’ve checked out these places, here’s what we’re going to do! :)

Youve accomplished nothing by keeping both of you together in a miserable state.

Im in a similar situation, my mother isn’t 100 but she just has unrealistic expectations and def on the narcissist spectrum, there will be nothing left of me when she’s gone if I do nothing. She has no problem sacrificing me.

Sometimes we just have to take charge for the survival of all, they can turn back into unruly kids.

I feel your pain.. however, first you must give yourself permission to take care of you. Think of it like flying on a plane.. put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then your loved one. You have given your mother the gift of 10+ years of living with you when she could have been in senior/assisted living this entire time. Many senior living communities tout themselves as a cruise ship that's docked.. she may make new friends and enjoy the activities more than you realize. Often times, they find a new more fulfilling life waiting for them they didn't know was even possible. You will be able to enjoy your mother far more when you are not exhausted & frustrated. Check your guilt & see the advantages to relocating your mother into a new living situation.

I just learned that a person can qualify for hospice through medicare even if not in their death bed. It will give you some respite. (Our 100 year old aunt is living with us. Her pcp just sent in a referral to a place that does both hospice and/or palliative for an evaluation. 

Hope this helps.

I have a narcissistic mother,and figured out what I need. Then I went from there. It took me 2+++ years to see although I am a full-time mom, and caregiver, it's no good with my Mom.

I hope you can find your best answers, not the 'obligation' some say.

We are called to love our parents,and for some of us,that's better done from a distance.

Sunnydaze has it right. I know you must feel guilty putting her out. You're feeling, I got this far, how can I do it now? But everyone has a breaking point. Your Mom seems very "with it" - a tribute to your good care and her good genes.
You don't mention finances, POA, Healthcare Proxy, Will/Trust, etc. so first and foremost - get your ducks in a row and make sure all is in order. Next, start broaching the subject that you are getting older too, and not feeling strong enough to continue giving her the care she needs, and now it's time to start looking for a new place for her. You can sugarcoat it by saying you're also considering downsizing to a smaller place that is more manageable for you to live alone.
If this is all too radical for you, then hire someone to give you respite for a couple of hours each day or week. You NEED this time to renew and recover and you will be surprised at how this help will give you the strength to keep your Mom at home. Inquire for help at your local church, neighbors, senior centers, everyone you know! It's time to take action - empower yourself and give yourself the time and freedom you crave. You can do it! We care so please let us know your progress!

Oh my! You must be feeling so torn!

Did she have a plan in mind if you were to tell her you "did not want her," or has she just counted on your not being willing to say that?

Of course, you don't want to tell her you "don't want her." Focus on "needing" her to move to her own apartment b/c you are getting older and less able to take good care of both her and yourself.

Tell her you love her and help her choose an appropriate AL apartment.

You must give yourself a good hug and pat on the back. If it wasn't for your care and letting her live with you, she would have not been as happy, felt loved and deffiently wouldn't still be alive.
Mothers or Mother's and always will be.
You really need to let her live out her time at your home and hire a Caregiver to watch her and plan outings with your grand daughter so ya'll can do things just the two of you sometimes but your mom needs time with her great grand daughter too. Not too many children can even meet their Great Grandmother.
Care Facilities are all understaffed and accidents happen and Seniors are kept too medicated. Not a fun or safe place to live unless there is No other Options as it is better than living by yourself if you are an invalid.
Hire Caregiver help and you will both benefit.

You need time for yourself and Mom could do with time away from you too.

Prayers

I would just let her know in a gentle way that due to your new health concerns (she doesn't need to know what they are) that you can no longer care for her in your house. And that you will visit her as often as you can, but it is no longer feasible for you to care for her properly. Check out some places before hand/get all info you need, see an elder attorney or local aging place for help in the transition/monies required/medicaid etc. Then once things are set in place and the selected NH approves, let her know when she is moving "due to your health concerns"........and then take her there. Tell her you will visit, but now you have to deal with the new health issues. (again she really doesn't need to know even IF not true)........if you continue with the way you are, especially since having cancer once............what happens IF you pass before her....then what? This will be good for both of you (even though some on here might not agree). I wish you luck. (my mothers brother was 102 when he passed from pneumonia but had a niece living with him, but up until then he did fine).