Here's the background. Both my parents were/are horrible people. My mother was physically abusive and I cut her out of my life at a young age. My father- when he was around, was the drug addict, alcoholic, narcissistic, lazy type who absolutely LOVES mind games. I've been caring for since 2012 when he had a heart attack. Why did I allow myself to get into this position? Guilt I suppose. I tried one last time to reconcile with my mother too, and that ended in her trying to be just as abusive as she was when I was a little girl. That experience taught me some people, probably of the psychopath variety, can't change.
My Father, the one I'm feeling stuck with, isn't physically abusive. He's emotionally abusive. I've tried to get through to him that his behavior and actions hurt me emotionally. To quote his own words on the subject, 'I don't give a F what other people think.' All while looking me dead in the eye as I'm crying right in front of him after he hurt me once again.
My own emotional state. Well, I'm 32, was widowed at 24. That by itself broke me. I have absolutely no friends or family to turn to for help. NONE. Not a single individual exists. And, well I've def had better days. At least I think so, it's been so long since I was genuinely happy I don't know if i remember what happy is. Was I ever even happy? I think so. I have depression pretty bad these days, I won't lie- these thoughts have turned very dark in the past. I've got a handle on the worst of it right now. I do know this about myself, I can't be the one to do this. I literally don't have it in me- I'm not capable.
Dad's issues. Right now he's on medicaid and has mostly benign skin cancer, spiraling type 2 diabetes (because he absolutely will not care for himself at all, he won't even check his blood sugar) and he has chronic heart failure. So heart disease, cancer, diabetes. The trifecta. He's already had to have cancerous growths removed and relied on me to bandage him- even thought I know damn good and well he didn't need me- and he only forced it on me to exert yet more control and act as a some sort of guilt trip evidence of why he needs me.
He is not incapable. He still works, he can still walk, he still knows how to not burn down the house. He's never not mooched off other people, now he's doing it to me and further emotionally ruining me to boot.
Its baffling to me. He berates me, tells me I need to get out more. So I get out more and he punishes me for it. 'Where were you?!' He'll say. He won't take his keys with him when he leaves for work, on purpose. 'I don't want to forget them somewhere' he says. (which is dumb, because we have spares) So I'm simply expected to always be here, any time of the day or night. So when he's all drunk at 4am I can let him in. (Which is exactly what happened an hour ago) I can't date, I can't go hang out with friends. Not that I have any, anymore.
I'm pretty much at my wits end here. Just leaving is seeming like more and more the most viable option. I know that filial laws in my state are not likely to pursue me because of my nearly non existent income (zero assets or savings too) and the fact that I was an abused and neglected child.
Why haven't I just left? Guilt. There's also still a little girl inside of me who is desperately wishing she had parents that didn't suck. I keep trying to make it work. Then there's the reality, I think he'll do something stupid or drastic rather than take responsibility for himself. The elec is in my name, and God even the idea of broaching the topic of switching it to his causes me so much anxiety. Because I know it's going to cause an argument, and he's going to go all 'you don't love me' or 'your being selfish'.
And the truth is I want to, I really do, but how I can love someone who's STILL hurting me so much? I'm in so much pain all the time, literal pain, deep in my chest and it never ends. So what do I do? What are my realistic options?
I just joined this forum today, and it is likely to respond to you.
One doesn't have "perspective" unless it is from AFAR. I left home at 15 because of one abusive parent, a mother who is now nearly 90, and I have come "home" to help. But while she is away... I am remodeling her home for safety, putting a 30$ bidet washer on the john, threw away all toxins, bought sensitive soap for her ailing skin and a better air conditioner, etc. And I know I MUST LEAVE within 2 days of her arrival. Why? I will become horribly depressed.
And be useless to anyone, including myself. She says things like, "you have never held a job and have never worked a day in your life amounted to nothing." (I have had many jobs as an independent journalist, have 3 masters degrees and raised a child on my own.) And within days I start believing her. That I am worthless unless I LISTEN TO HER. (her goal.) And now that she has dementia a bit, I cant "listen to her advice." And I never could. I really had no functioning mother, as she never "saw" me.
Why I am writing... you cant "see you" in such a household. All that clutters your mind and your possible path to a future meaningful to you.
Imagine yourself in a place with a sweet roommate, or even a room of yur own with NO ONE asking you for obligitory labor, and some time to actually read a book. If you want to assess your actual skills (I am sure these have been belittled) try "what color is your parachute" as if you can stand to do all that while holding a job, you likely are capable of handling and enjoying an even better job, when you DONT have to handle all that as well.
Life starts anew daily. When you dont have all these terrible examples of how to care for yourself, you can also begin caring for yourself, your own body better.
When you feel sh*tty, start gently tapping your own chest. It is part of EFT, self mothering, and just getting yourself back to the present reality, and it lets yourself know that you are capable of "self soothing."
Once you have your new apartment, room, share, (only with super KIND people!)
take long mineral salt baths, listen to soothing upbeat music and calm your nervous system down, and realize YOU ARE SAFE. A decade or two of "not feeling safe or loved is enough to kill you. REalize that too.
And also that there are things like this in the world..
https://www.chamonix.com/cosmojazz-festival,41-4968610-138912,en.html
High altitude jazz concerts, and all sorts of lovely things.. that you cant even imagine when you are staring at and making the people who dont respect you and your gifts as mirrors.
Here is my mirror. You are worthy, You are caring. You don't deserve any of this crap and your caring wont make them change. Your leaving might.
Take great and impeccable care of yourself and be a great example to those who CARE.
Love,
elise
"Life starts anew daily. When you dont have all these terrible examples of how to care for yourself, you can also begin caring for yourself, your own body better." Very powerful words! And your response in general. I'm going to print it out for me because I personally need it right now.
SadSammy, please know that by posting your question, you are helping others who also have suffered - or are in the midst of suffering. And that you aren't alone.
Your dad doesn't need care. He wants a mommy or wife and you have worked great for that. No options for a full grown male except for him to put his big boy pants on and man up.
You are NEVER going to have parents that give a rats tail about you, stop torturing yourself with the lies that you can do something to change that fact. You can't, you didn't make them this way and they are happy being abusive psychopaths. They will never love you the way you desire, they aren't capable of loving anyone.
You don't stop loving your parents, you stop letting them tear you down and destroy you. You stop being in the line of fire for their abuse.
Your dad doesn't need you and that means you can walk. You are not in a position that some are, because their parents are so ill that they can't leave without making arrangements or they could go to jail. Leave before it gets to that point.
If having a heart attack didn't open your dads eyes, nothing will. He is happy making you miserable and controlling you and playing mind f@#$ games with you. Nothing about that says love or care.
I beg you to pack your bags and get to a battered women's shelter. They will help you build a life away from your abuser. You don't ever have to talk to him again until you are strong enough to not be destroyed by his hatefulness and that is all you are getting from him and most likely all you will ever get. He has made you his little housewife, you may not be sexually used that way but everything he forces you to do, like stay home all day, is what a jealous husband enforces on his wife. Can't let you get strong and healthy because he will loose his pissing post and cook, housekeeper etc. It is sick beyond anything you can see right now because you are too busy trying to make this male you call dad love and accept you. Enough already.
Get your stuff, everything that means anything to you and get out of there, don't ever go back. Get to a women's shelter today and start healing the heart that those b@st@rds have destroyed. Never look back, remember he doesn't give a f what anyone thinks. You are included in this anyone.
If you don't get out now you could be stuck for decades and people like your dad tend to live very long lives. Go figure. You matter and you don't deserve to be his doormat. I would leave him a note that says goodbye so he isn't calling the police, but you don't owe him any explanation or loyalty and you surely don't owe him the courtesy of a notice. That would just create more problems and believe me, he knows you and how to control you better then you know yourself. Just leave, no warning, no notice and no regrets. Save yourself before you become a statistic.
Parents that use their messed up childhoods as an excuse to hurt their own children are an abomination, if anything they should want to save their own children from the misery they themselves lived through. It is the worse excuse I have ever heard and it doesn't give them a free pass to do it to someone else.
Please get out before it is too late.
Your dad has a job. He chooses not to be a responsible human being because you are laying down in front of him saying " step on me".
Give yourself a deadline. Say " by September 1, I will be in my own place". Break down the steps you need to take and set this in motion.
Even the best of parents are difficult when they decline medically and emotionally, and we sometimes have to distance ourselves. (Human sacrifice is illegal in this country you know.) You deserve a life. You made an effort to take care of your parents and it didn't work because they won't let you. This will never change, so stop trying. Dad is better off without you, because he won't feel like such a sh*t all the time. Maybe he just wants to speed up his inevitable demise and you are stopping him?
One final word about guilt: it is a worthless and damaging emotion. If you have remorse, act on it and do those things you wish you had done. If not, apologize to yourself for trying too hard and making yourself miserable; now give yourself permission to have a safe, comfortable life and exclude those who try to sabotage you.
Most communities have Women Against Violence Against Women WAVAW organizations. They are there to support women who are in and or leaving abusive relationships. The abuse does not have to be physical or sexual to be eligible for their services. Often they run shelters and have resources to help a women get back up on her feet.
There are Crisis Lines you can call day and night for support.
Lastly, when an abusive parents does say “I love you.” It does not ring true as people do not do horrible things to those they love. This I know from personal experience.
I'm, so much better already. When I sleep now, its like the first real sleep I've had in seven years. It really is just committing to change your fate isn't it? The knot that had buried itself into my chest doesn't hurt as much. I won't be using this large step forward as an excuse to not get therapy tho, I know I need it.
As for those who are posting in a similar situation. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. I know intimately how hard it is. My advice, which may not be very useful since I'm still in the middle of my own hurricane, just get some perspective. Talk to people who aren't involved and don't know, sometimes the wisdom of strangers is invaluable. At least that's my anecdotal experience. I know we are all unique and have our own set of circumstances. I wish the best of luck to each of you.