I don’t want to end up like my parents. Any advice?

My mother ate healthy (rarely processed, nor fried) was a healthy weight, walked daily, never drank, never smoked, read voraciously, did crossword puzzles, travelled, and had a large social circle. She has good overall physical health except for high cholesterol, which is driven by her body and not her diet. She is 97, in the late stage of dementia. Her mother lived to 83, her father, 91. Her siblings lived to 88+. They are/were of sound mind.

I am your age and wonder the same. I am suspicious that we have less influence over our outcomes than I’d hoped. And, even if we do everything right, life isn’t always fair.

Husband and I have decided to live for the best, but plan for the worst. Our wills are in order, our finances are figure-out-able, and we’re simplifying the load around our home. I am a stress eater (caregiving = enormous me) but we keep moving - walking daily, hiking, swimming, skating, etc. We plant trees to make things nicer for future generations.

Let go of that which you cannot control nor effect. Do not lose your sense of humour nor perspective. Do more of what makes your heart happy and care less about being judged by others. Be curious. Have fun. Be silly. Sing. Dance. Live well, being genuine to yourself.

I wrote my thesis on the power of food over cognitive decline so here is what I learned in a billion academic paper and studies:
The best protection for your brain (and health in general) is the following:
Try to follow a Mediterranean diet. fatty fish, chicken, olive oil, LOTS of green vegetables. Keep sugar low, processed food low and alcohol low. Don' t smoke- all these are bad for your brain and other health.
Turmeric is really good for you, brain and body, it fights inflammation, the root of most ills.
Exercise daily, even better make it social exercise. Exercise that involves strengthening your balance is also important, balance diminishes as we age so maintaining and improving it is essential as falls are common in the elderly Social activity is also really important.
An active brain is more likely to stay that way so learn new things. Languages are the best but anything that you find challenging works
Keep having a purpose (having a young wife helps :)
MCT oil is also really good for your brain it is basically brain food. If you find your memory is not as good, it helps. Aging brains sometimes have difficulty using glucose as fuel, but not MCT oil
Deep fried food has a negative effect on your brain, there is a component in it AGE which damages your brain cells
Meditation is also anti aging. Meditation can be walking in nature, prayer, yoga, or just regular meditation.
Genetics are actually a smaller component than most think
Laugh often

There's no way to predict our future health. To be in a facility to get the care you need can be determined by what your income is at the time you need that sort of help. Self pay for care is very, very expensive. Very little income could get you qualified for Medicaid nursing home bed. So, you can build your wealth to a point where you could afford to pay for the care, check in to getting a Long Term Care insurance plan (pricey), or you get what you get when the time arrives.

Another alternative would be to discuss selling out as you see a decline for yourself or your spouse and getting in to an Assisted Living facility for both of you. Use the money to live as long as you can there and move on to other facilities as the medical need increases. You both may want to talk to an elder attorney now to make a plan that works in your state.

It's safe to say that NOBODY wants to wind up with Alzheimers or one of the dementias, but people are living to be 100 these days, so it's becoming par for the course. My mother ate well, no drugs, cigarettes, booze, etc, and STILL came down with vascular dementia in her 80s. What did she do 'wrong'? Nothing. Same with her sister who was dx'ed with Alzheimer's and suffered for 15 years with it, till she died at 97! Mom was 95 when she died.

We can plan and scheme about how we want to die, and wind up getting run over by a truck crossing the street.

We read here all the time about the lengths people go to in order to avoid getting Covid..........hiding out in their homes for years, not going out to do things, or seeing loved ones for fear of getting a virus with a 99% or better survival rate.

My philosophy is: Live life for TODAY and enjoy it to the fullest. Stop dwelling on death b/c it will come for us one way or another, and probably in a way we LEAST expect.

Have lots of pain killers & whiskey on hand in the event we DO get diagnosed with something horrible like ALS or AD. Then we get to determine how and when we make our exit from this life into the next.

That's the best we can do, and a great way not to be a huge burden to our children and leave them what that horrible load on their hands.

Not sure there is much you can do, genetics are genetics. Hopefully you won’t get it. There is a lot of promising research going on in this field, with better drugs on the horizon to keep cognition intact for as long as possible. Who knows where the science will be in a few more years. We can hope.

Make sure your wife has the financial support needed if you reach the point where you can no longer care for yourself and make your wishes clear to your wife now.

Sign up for research studies!
The Eli Lilly Trailblazer study will enable you to find out if you have the P-tau mutation, thought to be associated with an increased risk of developing dementia.
They take a blood sample to see if you qualify for the treatment part of the study.
If you don't have the P-Tau mutation - well that's comforting news.
If you do, then you can choose to be part of the treatment study - or not.

TRAILBLAZER-ALZ 3 – Lilly (trailblazer3study.com)

Hi Happy
   I am now so glad I did not wait for 'due course' and pursued my most early symptoms after a routine referral which included a less than needed sensitive brain scan found 'nothing remarkable' with my brain, because only when I pursued those increasing symptom episode, was I sent for a second scan that was sensitive enough to make the slight changes in my brain visible as such provide essential evidence for a pre dementia tipping point.
Since then rather than wait for it to progress I began searching the social route and recently found a community-based venue that allowed me to share my experience which included keeping a daily check on my own blood pressure which interestingly began to improve with that social contact.
By itself that may not seem exciting but given that the balance management exercises I have also been using now seem to be getting a positive result no way am I going to wait for new drugs that offer the hope of improvement when the verdict of medical science is that there is no one gene that can explain dementia or bipolar, rather I put my trust in the changes I am experiencing before I get past the tipping point of no return.
The way forward for me is now to continue to gather the evidence that as with many other conditions Dementia is best managed at most early stage by active self-management not by the miasma like resistance to change that history records obstructed the evidence that many infectious diseases are in fact water, not air born conditions.

While in recent years medical science has made great progress in gene therapy which continues to be a leading light in the continued search for a cure- just as miasma was in its day, yet as the BBC media reported today the medically incurable dementia condition can be managed better with positive results with just physical exercise and singing in group sessions.
respectfully Terry OAP

Hi, I am 39 yrs old, and THIS question bugs me daily.... Mother (72) is in pallative care stage for multiple issues, CKD, Stroke, Cancer and Heart issues. Dad (75) is in nursing home with early stages of dementia, and his family has a long history of mental illnesses. I just got married, and cannot bring myself to want children approaching 40s, because I'm afraid of the responsibility and cannot imagine how tiring it will be to raise children amidst my parents' decline.
Years of family struggles and arguments have worn my heart down. Fear of a phone call informing mom/dad has fallen/ill etc is there daily and The worries of what is to come is making me more sick. I feel so tired.. and afraid of today and tommorows.
Since the pandemic I saw friends and family die whether or not they were sick or perfectly fine. One thing for sure, we cannot fool proof our future. I witness friends who exercised, watched their diet, supplemented with expensive stuff, and still had a heart attack?
Honestly I think a calm, positive and balanced mind & heart is the key to good life. And us tired caregivers have exhausted some parts of our mind & heart beyond repair. Damage done. Going forward, calm down at every change you can.. As much as I want to hold my family together like a forest tree, most of the time i realise I'm only like a leaf going down a stream. Its so frustrating! especially when you see firm, majestic trees while you're taking a beating from the current! It is just like that.
We have short time on earth, we try our best to make it a good one. Just hope and pray that God gives us the same portion.
Take care Timothy :)

Follow all the the great advice here about eating healthy, exercising, keeping up with your doctors’ appointments, etc. Another important fact is to make sure that you have long-term care insurance to take care of you when you reach the ripe old age as your parents so you will not become a financial strain on your wife.

Eat healthy, get daily exercise, manage stress, develop healthy relationships - all the things that lead to a healthy body, mind and life. It seems that there is a cumulative effect when it comes to heart disease, strokes, and Alzheimer's disease. That healthy lifestyle will slow down chances of having the decline your parents are having.

In addition, get into the routine of seeing your doctor(s) regularly for health screenings - labs, eyes, hearing, annual physical... Take the medications and advice that they prescribe as indicated.

mynameishappy: Be your own patient advocate, e.g. have a voice for physicians and specialists. I.e. When my mother's retinologist gave her way too many injections in the eyes, which caused major, irreparable scaring, she remained silent.

Hmmm… Everyday above ground is a “ good” day😊.
We can not predict our future!
Plan to stay active, eat healthy, stay mentally focused, live a lot and laugh a lot more!
I suppose it’s fortunate for some of us and unfortunate for others that we share our parents genes! It may give us some advice as to how we may age but, even still everyone is so very different .
I say just live for today because tomorrow will take care of itself. Throw that fearful thinking to the wind and let our Creator handle it!!
Continue to do your best to care for your loved ones.
Wishing you the best😊

I spent the first two years, after our parents were both diagnosed with dementia, researching this miserable disease endlessly, read every blog, found all the forums, and found other folks, who helped me so much, with this forum being number one help, for honest, real truth talk.

Best advice I have is to have a disciplined lifestyle, one in which best health practices are followed, simple stuff that matters, that your doctors advise you to do, and just going to the doctor, every damn year, but doing whatever you want, is not the best plan. Actually drink water, move every day, and yes, we all hurt as we get older, some more than others, BUT you will feel better if you MOVE. And if you insist on not walking, doing your own chores, as much as possible, working out…..immobility will happen faster than you think. I watched it happened with my mom, and the mindset of my female elders, was to complain, more than to find solutions. My generation was expected to do it all and fabulously. Not my moms.

Do what you can to avoid high blood pressure, obesity, sleep apnea, high cholesterol, too much sugar and bad foods resulting in diabetes, and on and on and on. So much of it IS NOT out of one’s control, if one exercised and lived with some thought, toward their health.

I NEVER share my opinion on any of this, with my full-time caregiving sister or parents, of course, cause it helps no one now. They made their lifestyle choices, and are now imprisoned by them. Dad is not immobile or in as bad of shape, but his love, is so amazingly deep for mom, he refuses to leave her side to do anything, with anyone. He just stays with her every single minute, cause her self confidence has been affected. When one cannot trust their body to support them, cannot move the way they used to be able to, that can cause deep neediness, and it has in our mom. It is very hard to witness, and has motivated me, the eldest, to double down on taking care of myself.

My husband and I have 42 years together, and we watch each other’s back, and hold each other accountable, for our health and how we live. I began that journey at age 24, getting sober and staying sober, so disciplined living became natural to me, talking with others to solve problems, sharing about my deepest problems, fears, insecurities, anything! Not normal in my family, of folks so constipated in their inability to share with each other, that it has rendered us silent at this point. This memory loss and poor health path with our elders is not easy, is tough and mind numbingly depressing. All of it is out of my control, as I don’t control how my caregiving sister handles anything.

Only recently have I been able to let go of the guilt in my head and heart, that I have no reason to feel, as I did nothing wrong, except have parents who aged badly. Who basically gave up. But that guilt hung over me like a bad nightmare, gone today.

So for me, not my lifestyle. I am not going to stop doing for myself, not going to zone in on one of our kids, and groom them to be our old age slaves. No, I get up and do the things that confuse me, figure out my own technology, keep doing the scary things that are not in my comfort zone, and we do our own chores, work out, and give each other grace to fall apart as well. My husband lost his mom
to Alzeheimers, and bad family dynamics, as well, so we have had this crap in our world for a long time. His parents were older than mine by ten years.

I’m sorry for losing focus. Last thought, do not feel you are resigned to “your fate”. Nope, if this is truly plain old run of the mill dementia, not a specialty variety, like Lewy Body, or early onset ALZ, just do your best to stay healthy….without all the pills. Actually do the work to have your best health. It is not the easiest path. But it will help avoid how my folks live. So worth it. I live my parents with all my heart, but their choices were not wise. Sadly.

Stay active. I saw my grandparents and parent decline from sitting around .
volunteer and be involved in the community.
look into care options now. - look at minimum care places like condo or elderly communities but also home care options and assisted living . Be honest with when you adjust your living place. Not based on denial that your not they bad yet. Better to have assistance than fall or make dangerous choices.
Make a good plan now - estate planning TOD and financial, don’t burden your family on estate when they are grieving .

Things my parents did wrong that I will not be doing:

*Not taking care of the little problems while they're still little
Solution: If you have a bad knee (hip, shoulder, etc) - get to the doctor and get it resolved NOW. Do not let your mobility deteriorate - we need to use our bodies and stay active or we lose strength and our worlds get smaller and smaller. First line of action is often PT - go to it, do your exercises at home and keep up with them once you are discharged from PT. Otherwise you slip backwards in a fairly short amount of time.

*Not maintaining a reasonable weight - both parents got very overweight which very negatively impacted their lives - increased their pain and reduced their mobility

*Not being proactive about their health - going to your doctor every now and then and taking pharmaceuticals will NOT give you the good health you wish for

I very rarely (like not in the last 10+ years) get a prescription for ANYTHING from my doctor. I look for natural remedies (supplements, foods, etc.) that will help any issues I have.

Keep physically active. Walk. Strength train. PT for any issues. Stretch.

Supplements - got on some whole food good quality things like vitamin D3, anti-inflammatories like krill oil and turmeric.

Lose weight if you're overweight.

Stay away from meds as much as possible. The side effects aren't worth it. Don't go on statins.

Eat whole foods. Not processed crap out of a box. Eat healthy fats - coconut oil, avocado, nuts. Not vegetable oil. Full fat dairy - like whole milk organic yogurt for example.

Take probiotics.

Keep up with your young wife. She will not want to be married to an old man while she is still young and healthy. Well, I can't really say that, maybe she won't mind. But I would.

Lots of answers re: what to eat, what vitamins to take, what drugs to avoid, how and how much to exercise, what hazards to avoid. But remember old age and/or death come to us all.

I'm 80. I no longer listen to much of this. Most of this advice comes from young people parroting what they read in popular magazines or from self-styled "experts". Having worked in a health profession for many years and observed many people, my only medical advice would be: CONTROL your blood pressure and/or your blood sugar if a doctor advises. Try to avoid falls or accidents. Most other health advice is secondary. Don't obsess about your health.
Develop the ability to find the humor in everyday situations. There are many when we look around (maybe you can even laugh at yourself, sometimes)

Cultivate the activities you enjoy. Try some new ones that are not physically demanding. You will have time to share more with your wife. Take advantage of it. Keep in touch with old friends and make NEW friends whenever and wherever you have the chance. ISOLATION is the the most debilitating feature of old age, but don't count on family to provide all your care if there are options.

Keep an eye on community resources, senior living options, even care facilities, their costs and requirements. These may change frequently, but planning ahead is wise. Consult an elder care attorney, have him/her help write a will, (even if you are only middle aged, it can be changed later). Make wise investments that can produce cash even on the short term if needed.

Old age is something we can't live through. But we can make the last years some of the best in spite of it all!

I wish I had a magic wand to help you remain as you are for the next 30 years. Of course, I do not. You will get old or you will die. Not great options.

Of course, you can work for better outcomes. Be active, exercise, follow your doctors' advice. Also be sure that you make investments to prepare for your own care when you get older. You might want to think about things you can do to prevent your wife from becoming your caregiver, too. Be honest about your abilities and disabilities as they develop and accept outside help when you need it.

A bit of hope: my grandmother was 20 years younger than my grandfather. Both remained in their home until they died. Although Grandma did do some caring for Grandpa, most of his intimate needs were cared for by visiting nurses, as were Grandma's when she got older. Both lived into their '90's and enjoyed their lives by constantly hiring more to be done by others. They always lived frugally so they were able to pay for yard care, a housekeeper, and the visiting nurses as these things were needed. They kept and remained in their house on the Mississippi and enjoyed watching the boats on the river. It can work.

I am in my 70's and still do all my own yard work and housework. I do Sudokus and word games every day and walk 30 minutes every day in addition to housework and gardening. I talk with my extended family and/or friends every day. I can't do everything I used to do, but I can still do a lot. I am clearing a section on the steep side of the second lot of the two that our house sits on, including felling small trees and digging out blackberry bushes and ivy roots as big as my arm. I intend to build a hobbit house in the side of the butte. I will haul the cement blocks myself and carry them down the steep slope myself. You might do even better if you exercise more than I did at 50. Good luck. Better yet, make your own good luck! I think that you do have it in you.

P.S. from Gena / Touch Matters

What’s Next With Dementia Prevention Research?

More research is needed to find ways to help prevent Alzheimer’s and related dementias. Future research may determine that specific interventions are needed to prevent or delay the disease in some people, but others may need a combination of treatments based on their individual risk factors. Understanding risk factors and choices you can make now is important for both your present and future health. In addition to this website, consider the resources listed below to learn more.

You can also help researchers learn more about preventing dementia by participating in clinical trials and studies.

Search the Alzheimers.gov Clinical Trials Finder to find studies that need volunteers.

There are thousands or millions of articles available on how one can take care of themselves - on the internet, discussing with your primary MD, magazines, health journals . . . Basic is dealing with stressors, eating healthy, exercise, getting enough sleep.

Read this, PRINT OUT. I just googled and found:

"... you can help reduce your risk of dementia by:

eating a healthy, balanced diet.
maintaining a healthy weight.
exercising regularly.
keeping alcohol within recommended limits.
stopping smoking.
keeping your blood pressure at a healthy level."
and

How can you train your brain to prevent dementia?

Learn something new, such as a second language or a musical instrument.
Play board games with your kids or grandkids. ... 
Work on crossword, number, or other kinds of puzzles.
Play online memory games or video games.
Read, write, or sign up for local adult education classes.
and

What Can You Do?

Although there is no effective treatment or proven prevention for Alzheimer’s and related dementias, in general, leading a healthy lifestyle may help address risk factors that have been associated with these diseases.
- Control high blood pressure. High blood pressure, or hypertension, has harmful effects on the heart, blood vessels + brain, and increases the risk of stroke and vascular dementia. Treating high blood pressure w medication and healthy lifestyle changes, such as exercising and quitting smoking, may help reduce the risk of dementia.
- Manage blood sugar. Higher than normal levels of blood sugar, or glucose, can lead to diabetes and may increase the risk of heart disease, stroke, cognitive impairment, and dementia. Making healthy food choices, getting regular exercise, stopping smoking, and checking glucose levels can help manage blood sugar.
- Maintain a healthy weight. Being overweight or obese increases the risk for related health problems such as diabetes and heart disease. Being active and choosing healthy foods can help maintain a healthy weight.
- Eat a healthy diet. Aim for a mix of fruits and vegetables, whole grains, lean meats and seafood, unsaturated fats such as olive oil, low-fat or nonfat dairy products, and limit other fats and sugars.
- Keep physically active. Physical activity has many health benefits, such as helping to prevent being overweight and having obesity, heart disease, stroke, and high blood pressure. Aim to get at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity physical activity each week. 
- Stay mentally active. Lots of activities can help keep your mind active, including reading, playing board games, crafting or taking up a new hobby, learning a new skill, working or volunteering, and socializing.
- Stay connected with family and friends. Connecting with people and engaging in social activities can prevent social isolation and loneliness, which are linked to higher risks for cognitive decline and Alzheimer’s disease.
-Treat hearing problems. Hearing loss may affect cognition and dementia risk in older adults and can make it more difficult to interact with others. Protect your ears from loud sounds to help prevent hearing loss and use hearing aids if needed.
- care of your mental + physical health. Get recommended health screenings, managing chronic health issues such asdepression or high cholesterol, and regularly checking in with your health care provider.
- Sleep well. Sleeping well is important for both your mind and body. Try to get seven to eight hours of sleep each night. Talk with your doctor if you are not getting enough sleep, sleeping poorly, or think you may have a sleep disorder.
- Prevent head injury. Take steps to prevent falls and head injury, such as fall-proofing your home and wearing shoes with nonskid soles that fully support your feet. Participate in fall prevention programs online or in your area. Also, wear seatbelts and helmets to help protect you from concussions and other brain injuries.
-Drink less alcohol. Drinking too much alcohol can lead to falls.

Gena/Touch

I had the same concerns since I have been taking (in home care) of my mother. It's like watching your own future and it was seriously depressing. But then, this is what I have discovered. Contributing factors! She was never the same after open heart surgery. (lack of oxygen to the brain). Most of her Prescription meds side effects causes dementia or alz. She also turned down med. procedure for vascular clog years ago which also stops enough blood flow to the brain. The brain needs daily healthy blood flow to keep the brain cells from dying. So, I admit after putting 2 and 2 together, I paid a visit to her Doctor. I really B*****d her out for putting her on theses meds and not having certain procedures. She felt the side effects outweighed the cause. Most of the symptom's most seniors get like high blood pressures, diabetes, cholesterol, can be corrected by eating a healthy a diet, water, and exercise. No joke. Beware of Big Pharma. not the answer. I am 67. I take thyroid med. but trying to find better alternative. I do Vitamins: Balance of Nature, D3, and ginko, that's it. Thankfully I stopped antibiotics and vaccines 15 yrs. ago. Had bad reaction to the 3 in one Vac. Never had a flu shot. Once in a blue moon do I get the flu ever. Rather let my immune systems do its job. Nor will I have any surgery if it should be needed. I realize my method is not for everyone, but I am doing hell a lot better than anyone I know my age. As a caregiver, we do everything. Gardening, cooking, cleaning, med. visits, bills, etc. and thank God I can still do it all. I will go out as God intended. Just saying. PS I told my kids if needed to put me in care facilities in stead home care. I love them and want the best for them.

TLDR: What do YOU want for your future plans?

What I have learned from my mother…

She is widowed, I have been single for a very long time and don’t have kids. I do have a “person”, who is a bit younger than I am, not a romantic partner, not really best friend, he’s my family, my village.

My mother refuses to go to a care facility and refuses to pay for assistance.

She has fallen three times in the last few months and has to get herself to a phone, call 911 and then pay $100 for the EMTs to pick her up, but not transport her.

She refuses to wear her necklace button AND I have placed emergency buttons in the shower. She crawled past the shower buttons to get to the phone. Side note: I pay for the emergency alert services.

Anyway, this has made me realize IF I want to stay in my home and can no longer do my errands, maintain my house or get myself to appointments when the time comes, I’m going to have to pay someone to do it…and I’m going to have to pay more than I want to.

I needed my yard mowed a while ago, it took a 12 year old neighbor boy 20 minutes and he charged me $40. The lad is going to be in for the shock of his life when he graduates college and is lucky to make $40 an hour.

So, again for me to remain in my house, with my ability to sleep in a large bed, watch whatever I want on television, set my own hours, make my own food choices…it’s going to cost me.

It took less than two years for my mother to burn my lights out. I hate running my own errands. I live 4 hours away from her. She has friends, she has my sibling an hour from her…and she will call me to come “home” and go to the grocery store for her. It becomes a battle when I can’t drop everything and do it.

I’m slowly learning some awful truths… 1) my mother who has cultivated a persona of kindness and honesty with me for 50+ years will both lie to me and about me. 2) She has no respect for any boundary I set has no empathy for any reason behind the boundary/limit and 3) she isn’t afraid to do damage and say/do horrible things to get her own way.

I’m saying all of that because….I don’t want to be that in another 30 years.

Right now, you are husband, stud puppet extraordinaire and killer or spiders and various other small nuisances to your wife.

What do YOU want your wife to do for you if your future has some similarities to your parents? More importantly, what don’t you want your wife to do for you? ‘In sickness and health’ does that mean you want to stay in the home even if you are waking her up four times a night because you need bathroom assistance? (When my mother had mobility issues, that destroyed me within three nights of not getting enough sleep - I couldn’t get back to sleep after the second time).

If it came to the point where you needed a care facility, do you expect your wife to visit you every free moment she has, just daily, a couple of times a week, once a week?

My mother was in care during Covid. It cost me $50 a week to get a 5-10 minute window visit. A pizza for her and a pizza for the staff and a CNA would get her belted up and stand with her at the second story window. She got cranky when I had weeks where money was a smidge tight.

Lots of good answers. Make no one any promises. We simply don’t control the endless array of possibilities that may happen, so promises are ill advised

Because my dad had vascular dementia, I’m trying to do what I can to protect my vascular health. I take fish oil every day as well as a magnesium supplement, don’t drink, exercise, and stay active mentally by learning new things. He had untreated hypertension for years and so far I’m good in that category. My moms side had Alzheimer’s, although my mom never had it. Not sure what to do to avoid that. I recently heard there is some evidence that a low protein, high carb diet might encourage Alzheimer’s to develop. Anyway, staying engaged with life, eating a good diet and exercising is about all you can do at this point.

I don't get the healthy living tips answers. The question is about what we do when the time comes where we can no longer take care of ourselves.

I don't own this book, but it might be useful:

The VSED Handbook: A Practical Guide to Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking Paperback – March 15, 2022 by Kate Christie

https://www.amazon.com/VSED-Handbook-Practical-Voluntarily-Stopping/dp/0985367792

VSED is legal, unlike assisted suicide in most states.

It assumes someone has the will to do it when the time comes. Or would one be like Wilson in W. Somerset Maugham's The Lotus Eater (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lotus_Eater)?

unfortunately our health care system in geared to extending your life as long as possible. In many cases against your will. Make sure you have an advanced medical directive in place. Also I am prepared to take my life if necessary. This may be extreme for some people.
I watched my mother in law suffer for 10 years she died 4 times and her daughter had the doctors revive her. She could not walk and had severe dementia and Alzheimer’s and lived to be 94.

Sone really great answers here! As far as dementia itself, look up the Apollo Group or Bredesen Protocol. Don't accept that there is no hope.

Listen up, Happy! A lot of advice about care in the future here, and it's good to do this. I want to say only one thing, research your habits right now. Write out a list for yourself, your own personal list of strengths and weaknesses in caring for yourself right this minute, not ten years down the road. A few things come to mind if you don't mind me reminding you!
If you don't do this already, get off your butt and move. Find an exercise you might like, but do it anyway, even if you don't like! Keep your body in the best shape you can now.
Keep you mind active, it needs exercise also, work at it.
Get off the sugar, the beer, alcohol of any kind, junk food, and OTC drugs.
Drink the actual 64 ounces of water recommended for humans for decades.
Read every bit of research you can stand to get an idea of the actual harm the things you fear can do to your brain.
Stuff your saving account, research a really good long-time care policy. Have a no strings separate account for your darling wife, her name only to assist her if you go downhill or die before her.

You are a primary candidate for Alz or at least some kind of brain burn. Take steps now, along with the legal and living places suggested here by people who know.

And no, I am not a doctor, not any kind of health professional. I am a full time caregiver of my Alz. husband who would never take a moment to consider his own health, would not see a doctor for any reason. Once in a while it would have profited us now, if he had gone then.

Good luck and have a happy life with your darling wife, make a life you can look back on and know you did your best! Let the rest go! I admire you for thinking about this now and taking action! God bless!

Be mindful of and take responsibility for your lifestyle choices. Stay physically active and socially engaged and find opportunities to help other people. You may or may not develop some of the problems your parents are having. The better your physical and mental health now, the better you will be able to adjust to changes as you age.

Buy property in Vermont, Oregon or any other state that supports assisted suicide. Seriously. We can't predict what will happen to us physically, though obviously living a healthy lifestyle helps. But in some states, we can control how our life ends when we have a terminal diagnosis.

I'm also 57 and have given my kids very clear instructions that they're not allowed to be my caregivers, and their only responsibility to me is to find a good care home or aide. I want them to focus on their own lives and kids and visit me cheerfully when they can.

Timothy I am also a younger wife. My husband is 20 years my senior and could fill a book with his excuses to avoid activity to prevent infirmity as he ages. Now at 82 our lives are a shell of days the past as his mobility has significantly declined. It’s awful. My dear husband is no longer that vibrant, full of life man I married 35 years ago. He knows it his own choices that are a major factor and regrets is deeply. God blessed you with a wise and loving wife. Grab that excellent insight with both hands. Wishing you both many happy fulfilled years together.