My husband has renal failure. He is on dialysis. He has not taken care of himself. At this point he is not a candidate for a kidney donation. His family does not help in anyway. I am living in a tiny home on my mother's property. My kids are in college.
I feel like a screw up. I feel very angry with my husband. Him not caring for himself is like being with an alcoholic. He doesn't drink. He now has heart problems. This could have been avoided if he had taken care of his disease. He has dementia from the renal failure. I just feel hopeless. Last December he took pills to kill himself. It gave him a heart attack but doctors saved him. I did not know about the pills until after the we got to the hospital. I don't want him anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. He is an anchor around my neck.
Me, I couldn't do it either, I care but am not a trained home caregiver and have zero interest in doing it.
My brother and I have two in homes, one AL the other MC, we keep on top of what is going on with them, visit, take to doctors and shop for them, the trained professionals do the rest.
We are all not the same some of us are not cut out for this home care stuff.
I worked for 45 years, paid my dues, now I want to have some semblance of life in my last years.
Your husband could live for a long time, my step father took dialysis for 7 years, had bladder cancer, stents and more, he finally died at age 91.
The last years were very difficult at best, all we did was take him either to the doctor or the ER. I cannot imagine having to live with him as he was very demanding and bossy.
Do what is best for you. Take care!
Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver and even folks who can do it under certain circumstances may not be able to do it long term.
Look at it this way: far better to remain as DH's advocate than to pull away and abandon him utter, yes?
It sounds like you're already there. So now it's time to be looking at the appropriate nursing facility for him to be placed in, where he will receive the care he needs and you can get back to just being his wife and advocate.
And if you no longer want to be his wife then do both of you a favor and file for divorce.
Being a caregiver is the hardest job out there, that's a fact. But it's even harder when the love is gone(as it sounds your is)and you feel trapped.
But guess what? You're not trapped and there are solutions to what you're dealing with. It will now be up to you to take the bull by the horn and make the necessary changes to make your life different and the way you want it to be. Only you can decide what that looks like, so I hope you will seek the help of a good therapist and lawyer.
And you're NOT a "screw up." You're just a wife who has had enough and wants her life back. And there's nothing wrong with that. Especially since you're in a loveless marriage.
My advice may be a bit different if there was still love between you both, but it's obvious that it's not. So do what you must ASAP.
You deserve to have peace in your life. I second Alva’s suggestion of going to speak to someone about your experiences in life with your husband.
Therapy can help you find the tools to move forward in your life. Best wishes to you.
(Aside: Every single person reading this has a choice if the spouse refuses to take care of him or herself. Walk out the door when you first figure out that's what is happening. This is not addressed to Lilypad, however.)
Others here have given you good advice, and I hope you'll take it.
My advice is that you don't have to stay with this man. His life choices have made your life miserable. That was not respecting you, it did not honor you, and you have every right to leave. Oh, but, "What would he do without me?"
That's up to him, isn't it? He owns the problems he made, and you are not a slave. You have options.
I would suggest that you seek help. It is not good when your feelings are as you mention above, to attempt to care give at home. You may be unable to continue to do so. You may need to explain to your husband that you cannot now go on and that he must enter care.
I would first see a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice to comb out your feeling and to come up with options for your own, and your husband's future.
I would suggest then that you take your full assets/financial condition with you to a good elder law attorney. You can there discuss if you would like to do a separation, divorce or a separation of finances for your husband's entry into care.
I am not judging you, trust me. I was an RN and I do not believe I would ever be able to do long term 24/7 caregiving, no matter the love I felt; we all have our limitations.
I am sorry for your hopelessness and helplessness and I encourage you to see someone for counseling right away. I will leave you with this. I doubt that either of us can diagnose with much certainty your husbands genetic setup for some of these conditions. If he smoked or drank or allowed himself to get terribly out of shape then he MAY have contributed to his current condition. But with all systems now shutting down it is hardly the time to play the blame game. It won't make either of you feel better. I understand the need to vent; it's normal and can be healthy, but it needs to be done in a healthy place with some guidance.
My heart breaks for you and I wish you luck, and hope you will update us.
How old are each of you and why are you living on his mother's property?