My mom and I have been on and off for years, but I feel guilty for not spending time with her. What do I do?

Thank-You all for your much appreciated comments. xo

you don't owe your mom anything. I was molested by my grandfather for over five years and I have no idea where my mom was when it was going on and when I told her 40 years later she never even said sorry. Now she lives with me and is waited on hand and foot. So money isn't a factor or if she cared for you like a princess or kept you in a cage, it's only up to you what you can give .your Mom seems very one way and your dad wanted You to have the money not her. Keep a distance from her she will suck you dry emotionally and I think you know that.

Some good advice has been given, in particular about setting boundaries. It isn't easy, but once you start, it will get easier. My ex knew what buttons to push during calls or in person to get me agitated, leading to arguments. Of all people, my then 5 year old gave me the advice during one of those calls: "Why don't you just hang up the phone?" I looked at her in amazement, and did it! Thereafter when I felt that button push, I would pause, thinking how to manage it and sometimes he would even provide the out - well, aren't you going to answer me? No, because if I do we will get into an argument and I do not want to argue. He hung up. Wow! That was easy (long before Staples had THEIR button!)
With mom, although not as bad as yours, she is/was definitely a negative person. Nicey-nice to most people to their face, but I would hear all the comments she made about others and took a lot of negative crap from her as well both growing up and since. I've often thought if all her "friends" and relatives knew what she was saying about them... she'd have no friends and alienate all the relatives! It was a little toxic just being told these things and what can you do with that information? Most times if I felt that tension build up, either a change of topic or walk away/hang up was in order. I have often told others that 4 hours is the MAX I can stand to be around her. Once it was about 10 minutes, which someone pointed out to me... I did say MAX. The crap she pulled that day is WHY, but it can happen LONG before the 4 hours. All too often I would hear the garbage about my older brother's first wife. I would just let her drone on, but reached a point where I fully intended to lay it out the next time she started on it: Mom, the woman is DEAD, has been for years, LET IT GO! That day never came though... She developed dementia and has not brought that up and if she does now, nothing I can say will help because she won't remember it. So, if it does come up again, now it is just redirect, change subject, ignore, whatever.
In your case, mom doesn't appear to have any dementia, so setting those boundaries might work. Think of the Looney Tunes cartoons where they draw the line and dare to cross it - I used this analogy for child-rearing as well: Set a reasonable "line", aka boundary, or lines, something you KNOW you can stick to AND STICK TO IT. When you decide what those boundaries will be, perhaps you can go out to lunch and then on return to her place try to reason with her and explain the boundaries. Even set one, and then add others as/when needed. For instance, quite obviously the inheritance is water over the bridge mom (kinda like my SIL issue), what's done is done, there's no point in rehashing it. If she starts, ask her to stop and if she does not, exit stage left.
When she complains about how much time you spend, explain that you have two businesses and a home to run, but you give her what you have. If she continues, sorry mom, gotta go/run... exit or hang up. When you say you have to go during a call, it is important, an emergency, another call, whatever. If she chooses to be angry and not call for a few days, consider that a blessing!
Definitely do not let guilt run your life. You give and she wants more. Well, that's her problem, not yours. YOU decide how much you want to give and draw that line!
Best of luck.

I can't remember a post where there are many responses and all of them say essentially the same thing.

Take this thread to heart. And post again to let us know what you decide and how that works out. We care!

Midkid58 - you just described my life EXACTLY. Took me 55 years to walk away and have been in counseling for 3 years. I also had an abusive elder sister/golden child who was her enforcer so I had to go "NO CONTACT" with both. I hear you, I support you, and to you and all the other children of Malignant Narcissist Nasty Mothers, I pray for you. PEACE!

Oh, the narcissistic and nasty mothers---they are a source of a lot of the posts we see.
My mother was also abusive, emotionally, and continues to this day (she's 88) to be nasty or sweet--depending on what she wants from you. But I'm learning to not care. Taking a cue from my MIA sibs who are all happy and (mentally) healthy.

My mother will never, ever change. Many of my problems were due to her caustic and stinging negative remarks to me. She broke me. I felt worthless all my life. Didn't help that an older brother was also severely abusing me--and she knew it, she just swept it under the rug. Tells me it was all my own fault.

I now have the self control to walk away from her. I choose how much time I will give her and when. I have not spoken to her in about 6 weeks, and I may not again this year. I check in with brother who lets me know she's OK. (I'm not a total monster!)

The strength I feel at knowing I CAN walk away--is so wonderfully empowering. Giving up a relationship or even trying to have a decent one with her is not even on the agenda any more. Guilt? Nope. That would mean she won.

It has taken 20 years of therapy to get here, and I still have "days". It's NOT my responsibility to make her life happy or good.

I routinely put myself in timeout from her. She is not worth the migraines, panic attacks and bouts of deep depression that spending time with her engenders in me.

So sad.

You aren't alone. Last time I talked to my older sister, she patiently listened to me vent about mother and then she said "I don't care. Mother was a lousy mother and a lousier grandmother. I know you're invested, good for you, but I am not. If mother ever dies, give me a call then. " Boom. THAT'S boundaries for you. (A little overboard, but still.)

If there are toxic relationships in your life, you're better off to cut them off for your own good

There is something in your relationship with her that makes you believe you should be punished even though you don't feel you should be. During this time, I would seek professional counseling to help you get a healthier look of yourself and for yourself about your relationship with your mother. This can help you develop boundries with her that you are comfortable with such as visiting or not visiting. Your mother will never accept or understand your explanations for anything and you need to learn how to accept that without the guilt.

Be sure to visit on her birthday and Mother's day, take someone with you.

Whenever my mother became verbally abusive, I would kiss her on the check and say "mom, I love you but I gotta run." She finally figured it out and the last few times I visited, she was much nicer. She died in June. I have no regrets and no guilt. Love them but don't allow anyone to abuse you.

*You* feel guilty!? You've got the wrong person. Your mother's sadness and bitterness must be terribly difficult for you to see because she's your mother and you do care about her, naturally. But, alas, her difficulties are her own doing; and you are prospering not thanks to her but in spite of her.

You don't have to judge her, much less condemn her, but don't either feel responsible for what are, after all, mainly the consequences of her own actions. Do what you are happy to do for her; and frankly, from the point of view of an outsider who has only this brief outline to go on, pretty much anything you choose to do is more than she has much right to expect.

Poor mother. I don't mean to sound as harsh as I do. And very few people make such atrocious choices without input from other, more dominant people - no doubt she was sinned against, too. But the one thing everyone can be sure of is that whoever caused her troubles, it wasn't you.

You have a lot of pent up resentment that you may want to find healing for yourself. I could write a book about the things my mother has said and done from childhood on up through the adult years, but most importantly for people like us is healing ourselves first. I agree with Pattiac ^ that you need to set boundaries. Try not to feel guilty and maybe find someone to talk to so you can purge these feelings. It helps!

I dealt with a narcissistic mother 4 years and went through the same s*** you're going through and it is s*** period after I got divorced from a narcissistic abusive husband I decided no more I was going to be a victim no more. So I got some counseling specifically on how to react because as child growing up in a narcissistic abusive household you learn reactions. Mine was to take the garbage and take the garbage and take the garbage and then to explode. It doesn't work. But your reactions to your mom are conditioned in you. And you need to learn new coping mechanisms. I actually wrote my mom a letter and said here are the new rules you know this is how you will treat me and be very specific number one you will not insult me anymore period number 2 we will not talk about my inheritance anymore. And then give tell them the consequences for breaking the rules. If you begin to abuse me and talk down to me I'm going to get up and immediately leave. And then do it. I learn to call my mother out in a calm but firm manner mom you will not talk to me like that if she was going off in a tirade you hold your hand out and you say stop right now what you are doing this is not acceptable behavior. There are dozens of ways to learn to cope with a narcissistic parent. And they will be shocked when you first do it and be very very hurt how can you treat me like this. That's when you know you're doing it right I've stuck to my guns over the last 26 years and my mom and I had a distant but good relationship. Remember the old adage you teach people how to treat you. You write a disadvantage growing up in an abusive narcissistic household but you can change the script of your life you don't have to be a victim. That's what I did and it worked. Good luck and try to get some counseling on how to handle your mother so worth it

I understand what it's like to have a strained relationship with your mom as I had one also. My mom was negative, dramatic and in her later years became paranoid and delusional. I am an only child, but she treated my dad like a child as well even though he was the breadwinner of our family. It sounds to me like there are issues on both sides of your family. Your mom needed to work hard while you were growing up to provide for her family. When she developed a relationship with a man, you all resented it. Your behavior as a teen caused you to be placed in a group home, probably not an easy and/or quick decision for your mom. Your brother succumbed to drugs. Your mom's life probably wasn't a basket of peaches. My mom took out her dissatidfactions on me, and she had many of them, including a rancorous relationship with her own mom. When my mom went to a Nursing Home, I did what I needed to. We talked about happier times, her childhood, her great grandchildren, etc. When she got whiny or accusatory, I left and I left my hurt feelings behind. I learned that just because my mom didn't have a wonderful life didn't mean she was allowed or welcome to pass those feelings on to me.

It is so easy for us to say, "dump the guilt," but this worthwhile advice can be difficult to follow. I know this from personal experience. I accept the fact that my narcissist mother is very good at pressing my buttons. And because these buttons are as old as I am, I can react negatively, even though I know better intellectually.

Two things have helped me. First, I call it by its name ... an abusive relationship that started when I was a toddler. Until just recently I used softer terminology. But abuse is abuse. Call it out.

Second, I have started talking to people about this relationship. What a relief! Just this week I updated two female friends and they were kind and sympathetic. I am going to look for a support group or counselor to continue the conversation.

Please take good care!

Great advice here. Point out when she is out of line/hurtful, identify boundaries, let her know the consequences of crossing them and enforce the consequences - always. Consistency is very important, don't let her suck you down a rabbit hole.

What seems to be bothering you is that you feel some guilt. We can tell you that you should not tolerate her abuse and removing yourself from her toxicity is your self-preservation, but you need to be able to do it without the guilt. Do some reading or get some counseling so you can be more pragmatic about your situation. No one would want to be around the kind of person you describe. She is who she chooses to be and her circumstances are of her own making. She is in charge. Either having people in her life is important enough to change her ways or not. The ball really is in her court and her responsibility - not yours.

She has dementia, there is no reasoning with her. The inheritance, by the way, is YOURS. No guilt there. There will be opportunities, along the way, IF YOU CHOOSE to help her get new living arrangements when the time comes. But that will be on her dime or with public assistance (not your money). Meanwhile, things that you can do without causing you pain can be done. A treat of food or flowers can be delivered for instance.

You don't have to see her at all if you don't want to. If you do see her, I agree with the advice above to point out her abuse, set boundaries and enforce consequences.

I was completely estranged from my mother for 15 years due to her abuse. I had planned never to see her again but suddenly changed my mind a year ago and moved back to her city because she's 90 and I was worried about her and missed having any family.

While I was estranged I read hundreds of books on narcissism, sociopathy, boundaries and various other mental health topics and got clearer and stronger about what had happened in my family.

Now I point out what my mother does and how it negatively affects me and generations of our family. It exposes manipulations and lies that she thought I was too dumb to notice.

She's ruined our family by spoiling my siblings and their kids and enabling bad behavior to get everyone on her side.

She's better now because she knows that I've left before and could leave again. I'm her only functional child--my siblings are disasters and even their kids don't like them.

It sounds like you have your own money and social support so you can survive on your own without your mother. You set the terms IF you want to see her at all. Let her suck wind if she won't be decent to you.

Excellent advice here! Guilt??? Get rid of it as it serves no purpose. What you are likely feeling is what an abused child will feel...the longing for the natural love of a mother and acceptance by her. However as an adult you realize that is not who she is. By what you've written she is very self serving, selfish, possibly narcissistic and wants you to make her life better. You owe her nothing. Accept her for who she is but definitely see a qualified counselor to help you to deal with her. She truly is immature and her boundaries are nil...wanting to inteude on yours. Be strong and know who you are and you have no need to feel guilt ojr to please her or earn her affection. Bless you.

Boundaries and speaking up are very important if you are to be a part of your mother's life. My mother is much the same, and groomed me from childhood to feel I owed her something, despite her lack of presence or concern for me. As I tell my mother, she has made her choices, even though there are many other options she could choose. I am willing to spend some time with her each week of my own choosing, and if she is negative, I point it out to her. Your life is as important as hers, and your well being comes first. Find out more about your feelings through talking with a professional you are comfortable with (I talked with my general practitioner and a senior social worker and did reading on setting boundaries with negative, narcissistic people) , and then you will have a better idea of whether you can have a relationship with your mother that won't affect your health and peace of mind. I wish you the best!

When you can, if you can, put up boundries. If you talk again, tell her you can't have a relationship with her if she doesn't leave the past behind. Explain you have worked for everything you have and you owe her nothing. Your time is yours. If she wants to be part of your life, she has to accept what you are able to give. Once she starts the negativity, you will hang up

Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.

Don't be around her very much. She is a toxic person, which is sad, but it is what it is and there is no benefit -- to her or to you -- to absorb such venom.

I suggest extending the no-talk period until either on your own or with counseling you have gained the self-confidence and learned your self-worth enough to not put up with the negatives. "Mother, I've told you before I don't want to discuss my father with you. I'll phone you next week and we can talk about something else."

Do NOT try to please her or earn her love. She is incapable of accepting that. Not Your Fault.