Everything passes through her including meals and chores. I'm not sure how to get through this. She is very headstrong and stubborn and needs to control all situations. I have no say so in anything and if I do express my feelings I'm being "ridiculous". Not sure how long I can take this.
Please check back often and let us know how your are doing.
Carol
So, first step, as has already been mentioned her, go to a therapist. I did and all I could say was: what was i waiting for? It helped so much. and I still go if I need to.
Figure out what you are willing and able to do, and what you are NOT willing or able to do, then make those limits clear. It might help you to write down (for your own benefit) what those limits are, so you will stick to them yourself. Maybe you and Mom will agree on certain things, but she will balk at others. You have to be firm about this. She won't change right away in her expectations but once she sees that you won't be pushed around, she will adjust because she will have to.
Expect her to resist. It helps if you ask her what's the most important few things to her, because then she won't feel like you're ramming a whole new regime down her throat. You might have to start with a few limits, then gradually add more. Keep the goal in your mind of being the one who is really in charge.
Yes you have to assume control and keep track of things this does involve a lot of work and some people tell me I am a control freak But if I didn't keep a strict diary for carers and doctors and health people plus my own now very much reduced
activiities life would be totally out of control.
Sorry to ramble on but there is life at end of tunnel
Best Wishes Kevin
If you are an adult and are in your own home, then things are done your way.
she had a stroke, was on oxygen, took a lot of pills 3 times a day and had seizures unexpectedly. She needed help to go to the bathroom and to be bathed. We were also raising 3 kids ages 10 months to 11 years. It was hard for both of us, me and mom, at first! After the kids went off to school, I would sit with mom and talk to her. I would ask her about her life and my husband's life and how she raised her own kids. We would snack together, play some cards and basically became more than just in-laws, we became mom and daughter and we became friends.
The point is, mom felt like she was a burden and caused extra work without doing her share and we talked for many hours until it finally came out. She was used to being the caregiver, the boss and she thought this would never happen to her. She wanted to be useful, respected, independent and loved! She was not useless! And that meant being strong. She still had a lot of knowledge and helpful suggestions and she just wanted to be acknowledged.
I cannot tell you how much I grew to love that woman and...she taught me a lot! We lost her in 1998.
Fast forward to today. We live on our daughter's property because my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread to the brain and other vital organs and I cannot take care of him alone. She is raising her own family, home schools her children and took on the burden of us. After three months, I could see her wearing down. Sometimes angry, sometimes sad. So....I sat down and talked to her, just recently in fact, and I told her she did not have to feel like she had to be everything. She did not have to check in on us everyday. Take us to his everyday appointments or cook for us!
Here is what she told me. Mom, I don't want dad to think that I have abandoned him or you! So I built up this burden in my mind and I have become overwhelmed!
In my mind, she was treating me like a dawdling old fool! And I resented it! But she didn't know that. She thought she was being the dutiful daughter.
We have a wonderful relationship today because we talked and found the root of the problem.
She has consented for me to set up transportation and she is willing to transport when an extra appointment gets thrown in. You never know what is going on in each others mind until you communicate.
Also, we are planning an at-home spa day!
Talk to your mom.
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