Everything passes through her including meals and chores. I'm not sure how to get through this. She is very headstrong and stubborn and needs to control all situations. I have no say so in anything and if I do express my feelings I'm being "ridiculous". Not sure how long I can take this.
Does he have any other health needs beyond his heart condition and diabetes?
Can you hire someone to come in and look after him in order to give you a break?
I did not move her in with me. (good decision). Mom has always been a pessimist. If she had a test for cancer she immediately started telling people she had cancer. And that was BEFORE the dementia began to show itself.
There are a lot of problems, as her lack of money, she has a dog which she won't take outside, makes her use puppy pads, she is lonely but won't reach out to others in her retirement home, needs more care but can't see it. All her family and most of her friends are dead. I'm the only one she has. People who promised to "do anything to help" won't even come to visit anymore. So, myself and one long time friend try to spend time with her. And, of course, it's not enough. My husband tries to help me draw lines with her to have some control over my own life. My story is so much likes others' on this sight. It does help to have a place to go. With mom in a retirement home I can walk out if she is too abusive to me. Which I've done a few times in the last 2 years since I had to take over her care. I moved her 15 minutes away instead of 50 so I can leave and come back later. It has saved me from saying things I will regret. God Bless us all!
So, I have done one thing to make me feel like my life is moving forward. Don't laugh: I am reading the biographies of all the presidents, starting with George Washington. I am up to Madison now. This is a great "goal" for the situation because I can read whenever I have time, take to books to appointments, and I feel like I am "making progress." And it is REALLY interesting.
she had a stroke, was on oxygen, took a lot of pills 3 times a day and had seizures unexpectedly. She needed help to go to the bathroom and to be bathed. We were also raising 3 kids ages 10 months to 11 years. It was hard for both of us, me and mom, at first! After the kids went off to school, I would sit with mom and talk to her. I would ask her about her life and my husband's life and how she raised her own kids. We would snack together, play some cards and basically became more than just in-laws, we became mom and daughter and we became friends.
The point is, mom felt like she was a burden and caused extra work without doing her share and we talked for many hours until it finally came out. She was used to being the caregiver, the boss and she thought this would never happen to her. She wanted to be useful, respected, independent and loved! She was not useless! And that meant being strong. She still had a lot of knowledge and helpful suggestions and she just wanted to be acknowledged.
I cannot tell you how much I grew to love that woman and...she taught me a lot! We lost her in 1998.
Fast forward to today. We live on our daughter's property because my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread to the brain and other vital organs and I cannot take care of him alone. She is raising her own family, home schools her children and took on the burden of us. After three months, I could see her wearing down. Sometimes angry, sometimes sad. So....I sat down and talked to her, just recently in fact, and I told her she did not have to feel like she had to be everything. She did not have to check in on us everyday. Take us to his everyday appointments or cook for us!
Here is what she told me. Mom, I don't want dad to think that I have abandoned him or you! So I built up this burden in my mind and I have become overwhelmed!
In my mind, she was treating me like a dawdling old fool! And I resented it! But she didn't know that. She thought she was being the dutiful daughter.
We have a wonderful relationship today because we talked and found the root of the problem.
She has consented for me to set up transportation and she is willing to transport when an extra appointment gets thrown in. You never know what is going on in each others mind until you communicate.
Also, we are planning an at-home spa day!
Talk to your mom.
As far as neighbors go, perhaps if they're long time friends and neighbors that is doable. But these days many Americans barely know who lives next door.
That's also a lot to ask of even a neighbor you know well on a regular basis. I don't think too many would want to be doing this every week for several hours a day, unless you paid them.
I remember when taking care of my parents the lady next door was one of these "if you ever need anything let me know" types, well one day I needed help, mom was in one hospital, dad was going into another. I needed to get back to the hospital mom was in, and I asked "could you please take my dad over to the hospital in the morning"...I had to get back to where mom was 30 miles away.
Well she did it, but I could tell it was not something she wanted to do, and I hated asking, but I was in a bind.
Neighbors can and will only do so much, as they should. It's not their issue.
Sometimes people get stuck in their therapy journey because they have hit an emotional wall they are ready to deal with yet. Therapy is hard work for both the therapist and the client. It can be very helpful particularly if there is a good fit between the therapist and the person as well as how eager and open the person is to proceed.
That was awesome. I like your prayer at the end.
I have a $10 co-pay for my therapy--and it is soooooooooooooooo helpful. I have made big important decisions with his help. I will never regret it.
I have a relative who has been in therapy for years, she just turned 60 and still talks about things that happened 40yrs ago, still angry about them, so I don't see how it has done much good in her case. Therapy can be hit or miss, but either way it is expensive.
Think the OP who wasn't very clear what the issues are should set up some boundaries and look for advice online for starters.
I was never good at boundaries because mom is a narcissist and expects all her demands be treated as emergencies. Boundaries were never honored, just seen as rebellion or being mean to her...I've learned that boundaries are saving my life .
Are you setting boundaries with her? How does she react? Do you feel safe?
The more you can set boundaries she will hopefully get that you have needs too.
Best of luck and let us know how it's going😀
No one can give you any advice or ideas when do you a thread like this one.
Not the brilliant independent man I married. This website has really helped me and I am thankful to be able to check in every day.